Hi there neighborinos of the World Wide Web!
Welcome to....
I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You!
The blog that now has over 37% less polyunsaturated fats than other blogs.
I'm Dave-El and if this is Friday, then it must be time for bROkEN nEWs, the internet's leading source of...whatever the hell it is I do here.
Tonight's installment of bROkEN nEWs is brought to you by...
The North Korean Tourism Board.
You may have heard that North Korea is a dark pit of Extermination, Murder, Rape, Enslavement and Torture and you may think, "Wow! North Korea sounds like my kind of place! I wish I could go there!"
Well, psychotics and sociopaths the world over, The North Korean Tourism Board
welcomes you to North Korea, the Disneyland of excessive amounts of Extermination, Murder, Rape, Enslavement and Torture. No less than North Korea's Fearless Leader himself, Kim Jong-un, bids you welcome to join in all the exterminating, murdering, raping, enslaving and torturing fun!
North Korea has a vast population of seriously underfed and demoralized men and women on whom to practice your sadistic and sinister arts and skills. Kim Jong-un says, "Hey, don't let me have ALL the fun!" The stark grey landscapes of North Korea provides a most effective environment to meet your exterminating, murdering, raping, enslaving and torturing needs.
This message brought to you by...
The North Korean Tourism Board.
OK, let's get this show on the road.
bROkEN nEWs starts in 5...
4...
3...
2...
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#BrokenNews "Longtime Christie Friend Involved In Traffic Scandal" Gov. Christie denies he has any longtime friends.
#BrokenNews "Kerry Accuses Syrian Leader Of Stonewalling Peace Talks" Assad is not stonewalling; he just needs to finish binge watching the new season of House of Cards.
#BrokenNews "Majority Of New Yorkers Totally Cool With Legalized Weed" Anything to help them cope with the New York Knicks.
#BrokenNews "Chances Are We Live In A Simulated Universe" So how come whenever I yell "Computer! Freeze program!", nothing happens?
(crickets)
You know, like on Star Trek?
(crickets)
If someone wants to stop or pause a holographic program, they would say, "Computer, freeze..."
(crickets)
"...program." (Sigh!)
(crickets)
Who keeps letting these crickets into the damn blog? C'mon!
#BrokenNews "University Bans Shots, Beer Bongs And Drinking Games" There goes three out of four reasons to go to college!
The fourth thing is to get laid and guess how much that's not gonna happen if everyone's sober! Shit, screw college and just get, I don't know, jobs or something.
#BrokenNews "Charlie Sheen Engaged To A Porn Star" If you've ever wondered how much a lower a porn star can go, now you know.
#BrokenNews "Zimmerman Won't Say He Regrets Killing Trayvon Martin" Zimmerman adding, "Excuse me, Trayvon who?"
#BrokenNews "What Your Earwax Says About You" Probably "Quit sticking your finger in here! We know where it's been!"
Hey, time for the picture thing!
Hey! More headlines!
#BrokenNews "There Is A National Clown Shortage" Really? Surely Washington can spare some!
#BrokenNews "Hot Pockets Recalled For Icky Reason" Isn't just being Hot Pockets icky enough?
#BrokenNews "Passenger Beaten Aboard Cruise Ship" Look, the shuffleboard rules are there for a reason, OK?
And now it's time for...
bROkEN nEWs tHAt cOuNtS
...featuring The Count!
 |
| Hello, kids! I am The Count and I love to COUNT! Blah! A great place to count things is at IKEA! Oooh, boy! They have EVERYTHING there! Including things you wouldn't expect even IKEA to have! How many things, you might ask? A-ha! Let me count them: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7---Ah, SEVEN things you wouldn't expect to find at IKEA! Let's do the list, shall we? Blah! |
1. Thermonuclear warheads
2. Mr. Peabody's Wayback Machine
3. Cleveland, Ohio
4. Peyton Manning
5. Your choice of Supreme Court Justices
6. Your long lost youthful idealism
7. Soylent Green
And now it's time for another edition of...
AWKWARD MOMENTS
WITH
MITCH MCCONNELL
And this has been.....
AWKWARD MOMENTS
WITH
MITCH MCCONNELL
Now, BACK to the headlines!
#BrokenNews "101-Year-Old Is Running For Congress" Well, not running very fast I imagine.
Speaking of not being able to run very fast....
#BrokenNews "Christie's Mansion Fund Collected Millions From Political Favor Seekers" Refurbishing the wine Twinkie cellar doesn't come cheap.
#BrokenNews "Study Reveals Dangerous Consequence Of Sitting Too Much" Yeah, you better watch out for me. I'm sitting here....DANGEROUSLY!
One last look at the picture thing we do!
________________________
And that's a wrap on this week's
bROkEN nEWs,brought to you by...
The North Korean Tourism Board.
...which invites you to come for the Extermination, Murder, Rape, Enslavement and Torture, stay for...well, I guess stay for more Extermination, Murder, Rape, Enslavement and Torture because that's pretty much what North Korea has going for it! So come on to North Korea, you sick bastards!
As always, if any part of today's post caused you any offense, we urge you to please make these concerns known to our...
bROkEN nEWs cOMpLAiNt dEpARTmEnT
 |
| "Not NOW! I'm on a BREAK!" |
Until next time, be good to one another!
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