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And now, I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You presents....
WINTER STORM REPORT 2014
We're Freezing Our Asses Off!
Breaking News: There's ice everywhere & its too damn cold!
Breaking News: There's still ice everywhere & its still too damn cold!
Our around the clock coverage continues: Ice continues to be everywhere & it persists in remaining too damn cold!
In case you're just joining us: There's ice every freaking where & its too freaking cold! More bulletins to come as details fail to develop!
Let's check with our action news team! Reporter #1, what's the situation out there? "There's ice everywhere and it's too cold. Back to you!"
Let's check with Reporter #2. "The situation is a bit different. Here it is too cold and there's ice everywhere." Thank you for that report.
Breaking news just in: ice still reported everywhere & it continues to be too damn cold! This is your round the clock winter storm coverage!
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Fun winter storm activity: watching TV reporters out in the sleet and snow telling me how dangerous is to be out in the sleet and snow!
Trust me, I would like nothing more than to heed their warnings, kick back on the sofa with a cup of hot chocolate and be entertained by all the TV reporters standing outside telling me how cold it is outside.
My wife got the call the last night: her job is closed today (Thursday) due to the winter weather conditions. Which is a bit unprecedented because her job is one of these where the official snow policy is "Get your butts in here! We don't close for nothing!" So there's a hint how bad it is out there if she gets to stay home.
What about my job? Hold on, let me peruse my company's official snow policy. Let's see...hmmmmm! "Get your butts in here! We don't close for nothing!" I see. Still, surely an exception is to be made, right? If my wife's employer can call it a day, surely mine will as well. Calling my company and....we're still open? Bugger!*
They do say our safety is of primary concern and we should make the best decision with that in mind. Oh, that's nice. Except for one thing:
I SUCK AT MAKING THAT DECISION!
Whenever I've decided that I'm going to ere on the side of caution, I find out that all my associates made it in and I look like a schmuck for being daunted by the weather. And whenever I've decided that I really should go in, I find myself alone in an empty cavernous building because everyone else had to good sense to stay home! Arrrghh!
With this kind of winter weather outside, I wish I could just stay home with no guilt. I just want to stay here and snuggle up to the fire.
It's times like this I wish I had a fireplace.
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And now...a brief super hero skit.
"This winter storm is a disaster! We need a super hero!"
"Have no fear! Iceman is here!"
(awkward pause)
"Uh, we're looking for someone more, ah, heat ray-ish?"
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OK, one more check of our ongoing 'round the clock coverage of the winter storm.
Still cold! Still icy! Stay the hell inside!
All righty then. So if you're caught up in this mess, stay warm, stay safe and, as always, be good to one another.
*I'm staying home today! I have the BEST boss in the world!
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