Friday, February 14, 2014

Broken News for Friday, February 14th, 2014



Hi there! 

Dave-El here and welcome to my blog, I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the Bermuda Bobsledder of the internet! 

Today is Friday and that means it's time for this week's edition of bROkEN nEWs







Do you like intelligent humor, witty insights and laugh out loud comedy? 

You do? 

Shit, this is not going to go well at all. 

bROkEN nEWs is up in 5...

4...

3...

2...

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#BrokenNews "Rand Paul Warns Texas Could Turn Blue" If Texas keeps holding its breath like that, sure!

#BrokenNews "GOP Trots Out New Anti-Obamacare Spin" It runs great on the highway but the GOP keeps popping the clutch in city traffic. 


#BrokenNews "Medical Marijuana Gains Momentum In The Deep South" Finally, a legal way to listen to "Free Bird".  


#BrokenNews "GOP Still Blocking Obama Nominees" If it ain't broke, don't stop trying to break it. 


#BrokenNews "Florida Just Made It Harder For College Students To Vote" The ballots are in Yiddish. 

(crickets) 

You know, Florida has a lot of old people...a lot of whom are Jewish....

(crickets) 

Who let the damn crickets into the blog again?

(crickets) 

Oh, to hell with it! Let's do the picture thing! 




And now it's time for....


bROkEN nEWs tHAt cOUnTs!

Hello, kids!
I'm the Count and I love to count! Blah!
I hope you kids are keeping warm this winter. One way to do that is with some hot chocolate. Hmmm! So what would make hot chocolate even better? Well, I have ten---ooh, TEN---1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!---

TEN ways to kick your hot chocolate 
up to the next level!
So have it, kids! Blah! 

10 Ways To Take Your Hot Chocolate To The Next Level

  1. When you kiss hot chocolate, do it passionately with lots of tongue action
  2. Have sex with hot chocolate
  3. Keep some of your things at hot chocolate's place.
  4. Let hot chocolate have a key to your place.
  5. Go on a weekend getaway with hot chocolate.
  6. Move in with hot chocolate.
  7. Invites some marshmallows over for a 3-way.
  8. Introduce hot chocolate to your parents.
  9. Ask hot chocolate to marry you.
  10. Have kids with hot chocolate.


Well, I wish I could say that was unexpected but hey, who am I kidding? This is par for the course on this crazy blog. Look, if anyone from PBS comes asking about this, I was never here! BLAH! 


And we have more headlines! 


#BrokenNews No More Mr. Tough Guy? 


Putin Shows Off Softer Side in Sochi” If a 


Russian fails to medal in an Olympic event, 


Putin will only send you to Siberia for a year 


instead of for life.



#BrokenNews Karzai Won't Sign U.S. 

Security Deal” It MAY seem like a good deal 

but the shipping and handling charges are 

atrocious!


#BrokenNews Oldest Known Star In The 

Universe Discovered” It keeps yelling at the 

other stars to stay off its lawn.


#BrokenNews "'The Lego Movie' Isn't Playing Around At The Box Office" Making a movie out of Legos has opened whole new avenues to film making. Next up, a new crime drama from Martin Scorsese...done entirely in Play Doh. 


#BrokenNews "Michelle Obama Offers Advice For Justin Bieber's Mom" The First Lady counsels love, understanding, a few solid whacks upside the little fucker's head and compassion. 


Now a special bROkEN nEWs eXpOSE from the 2014 Winter Olympics



Next up, a special look at the Olympics in Sochi courtesy of that picture thing we do. 


And now....

#BrokenNews presents 


The Straight Up Most Skeeviest 

Winter Olympic Headline of the Week!


15-Year-Old Skater Can Bend Her Body 

In Ways We Didn't Know Were Possible


Thank you, Huffington Post


More headlines? More headlines! 

#BrokenNews from West Virginia
"'Why Can't One Of You Stand Up And Say Our Water Is Drinkable?'
Because our legs have devolved into tadpoles. 


#BrokenNews "Obama Plans Big Foreign Trip" He's gonna do, like, stuff 'n' junk, you know?


#BrokenNews "Hundreds Of Flights Canceled At Southern Airports" Well, airplanes ain't in the Bible anyways.


#BrokenNews "Nevada Gives Up On Banning Gay Marriage" Great! Now Nevada will descend into a cesspool of immorality and sin. (Sigh!) Better go to Las Vegas before the state goes completely to hell. 


#BrokenNews "Vancouver Installs Crack Pipe Vending Machines" Over in Toronto, Rob Ford weeps for joy and fervently prays for these vending machines to come to his city.


#BrokenNews "Texas Paying Mack Brown $2.75 Million Not To Coach" For the record, I am prepared to NOT coach Texas for only $1.2 million. 


_________________________________

And that is a wrap on another week's installment of bROkEN nEWs! As always, we here at I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You value and respect the opinions of my readers. So if there was any part of today's post that offended you in any way, please, I implore you to share those concerns with the  bROkEN nEWs  Complaint Department. 





Oh, that reminds me: Happy Valentine's Day, y'all! 



Uh, yeah, that's General Zod from the Man of Steel movie wishing you...er, daring you to have...or TRY TO HAVE a Happy Valentine's Day. You know, if you dare.

Chris Sims can explain it better than I can.





"Yay! It's FINALLY over!"
Until next time, be good to one another! 

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