Broken News for Friday, February 7th, 2014

Hi there and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You and no, we have NO idea what you're gonna do with all that leftover guacamole dip. Use it for spackle, maybe?

I'm Dave-El and today is Friday which means its time for another tootsie tingling installment of....

bROkEN nEWs!

Last week, bROkEN nEWs had to post sans graphics due to some inexplicable problems I was having with Google Chrome. Well, the problem just as inexplicably fixed itself a few days later (which just goes to show that computers really don't need us and God help us when they figure that out.) 

So BEFORE we get to the headlines, let's take a look at the bROkEN nEWs IN pICtUrEs I had ready to go last week. I know this is asking a lot but please remember that last week was the President's State of the Union address. Yeah, that's ancient history but indulge me, OK?

I'm sorry but I had to share with the world the idea of Biden-Boehner Man Love. 

You're welcome.

OK, let's get going with the headlines for THIS week in 5...

4...

3...

2...

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#BrokenNews "Unemployed Americans Shafted Again" Unemployed Americans might get fair, democratic representation if they could afford to pay bribes make campaign contributions.

#BrokenNews "State Department Official Said 'F*ck The EU' In Leaked Call" State Department later clarified the office said "f*ck the emu" which actually only leads to a whole series of disturbing questions.

By the way, bROkEN nEWs is not a proponent of censorship so let me clarify that in the above piece, "f*ck" is actually the word "feck". You're welcome.

#BrokenNews “First Woman Fed Chair Sworn In” So look for new economic strategies centered more around bed ruffles and decorative soaps as opposed to beer and X-box games.*

*Oh, don't roll your eyes, ladies. You know it's true.

#BrokenNews “Christie Bridge Scandal Thickens” "Thickens"? Is that some kind of fat joke? If so, I am offended! It is in very bad taste!**

**Also bugged that I didn't think of it first.

#BrokenNews  "U.S. Curtails Drone Strikes In Pakistan" It's just not as much fun anymore. 

#BrokenNews  "Senate Passes Farm Bill Slashing Food Stamps" It's OK to GROW food, not so much to EAT it. 

#BrokenNews  "Top Conservatives Beg Boehner: Be Reasonable!" All they want to do is eat your brains; they're not going to eat your eyes!***

***Tip of the hat to Re: Your Brains by Jonathan Coulton.  Click here for the video.  

#BrokenNews  “Conservative Group Wants To 'Dump' Republican Leaders” So that’s where conservative groups get their Republican leaders from. 

(Crickets) 

I mean, instead of “dumping” as in getting rid of, the joke here relies on the word “dump” being used in the connotation of producing…you know, like taking a dump? 

(crickets) 

You see, the analogy here is that leaders produced by certain conservative groups are shit. 

(crickets) 

Is this thing on? 

(crickets) 

Well, see if I ever tell jokes to crickets again!


Hey, kids! It's making fun of pictures time! 

#BrokenNews “Rep. Leaving Congress Amid Ethics Questions” Which is pretty much standard procedure for leaving Congress.

#BrokenNews “Senate Committee Approves Baucus For China Post”  There have got to be easier ways for Baucus to get Chinese food.

Of course, in China, “Chinese food” is simply “food”.

#BrokenNews "Senate To Vote On New Unemployment Bill That Targets Millionaires" Do you know how rough it is out there? Keeping the wine cellar stocked up, tennis club memberships, the summer home, the other summer home. It just goes on and on and on. Soon the landscaping team might be cut back from 5 to 4 which is a real shame cause Jose was so close to getting his green card. 

Anyway, unemployed millionaires need help too! 

#BrokenNews  "Mitch McConnell: Immigration Reform Not Happening In 2014" Mitch added, "Hell, if we play our cards right, we won't get any shit done around here! At all! Again! Sweet!"

Hey, speaking of Mitch, let's have another installment of....

AWKWARD MOMENTS 

WITH MITCH MCCONNELL

Thank you for joining us for this week's installment of....

AWKWARD MOMENTS 

WITH MITCH MCCONNELL

#BrokenNews  “Eric Holder: Gay Marriage Stabilizes Families” Those of us in straight marriages would like to know how they’re doing that because our families are not that stable. 

Let's do some more bROkEN nEWs IN pICtUrEs!

#BrokenNews  “Bruno Mars' Super Bowl Halftime Show Is The Most-Watched TV Event In U.S. History” Afterwards, everyone switched over  to the Puppy Bowl ‘cause cute doggies, you guys!****

One of these dogs intercepted a Peyton Manning pass. 

 ****Also the game sucked.

#BrokenNews  “Even Senators Want To Deport Bieber” This is actually something both parties can get behind. Bless you, Justin Bieber, for bringing together our fractured political system.+

+Now get the hell out!

Hey, we're almost near the end and I haven't seen The Count yet. Wait! There is he is!

Hello, Kids! The Count here with another list of things for me to count! Blah! Today we're going to count five...1, 2, 3, 4, 5...FIVE good reasons you should never stop having necks. Stop having necks? Really, is that a thing? I mean, I hope not. People, never stop having necks because necks help hold your head up and provides a handy place to bite....

What? It's not necks? It's SEX? Ooh, boy, they're not going to like this down at the Street. Oh, go ahead and run your list, you perverts! Blah!

5 Good Reasons 

You Should Never Stop 

Having Sex

1. There's nothing good on TV.
2. It's either sex or pull out crabgrass in the garden! Yeah, I know but give sex a shot anyway.
3. The hot babysitter's game for a three way!
4. It brings back the good old days when you were younger and you weren't any better at having sex than you are now.
5. Grosses out the kids! ("Yeah, I fucked your grandmother in the Barcalounger!") 

"Barcalounger" may be a euphemism for a vagina and not literally the actual chair itself. Either way, I really don't want to know.

#BrokenNews "Astronomers Found A Pretty Weird Planet" Whoops! Telescope was facing the wrong way. Sorry 'bout that.


#BrokenNews "Jay Leno Leaves (Again)" Jay Leno takes the name plate from his dressing room door, says "I better hold on to this. I might need it again."



#BrokenNews "Joan Collins, 80, Reveals The Racy Secret To Her Happy Marriage" No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! Dammit! I'm picturing 80 year old Joan Collins having sex! Intestine...must...strangle...brain!

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So that's it for this week's bROkEN nEWs. Sorry to leave you with that Joan Collins image. (Brrr!) 

Hey, let's see those puppies again!

Thank you for dropping by and if you got even the smallest bit of entertainment from today's edition of bROkEN nEWs, well that's damn well more than I expected. 

And just a reminder that I do take the concerns and complaints of bROkEN nEWs readers (both of you) very seriously and I do encourage you to express yourself to the bROkEN nEWs complaint department. 

We're up all night to get lucky
but we don't have all day 
to deal with this complaint shit.

Well, they seem...nice.

Until next time, be good to one another.