Friday, February 28, 2014

Broken News for Friday, February 28th, 2014

Hi there and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You where we put the "bl" back in "blog"! 

I'm Dave-El and today is Friday which means it's time for another rip-snortin' edition of bROkEN nEWs!*

*If you've ever ripped your snortin', you know how painful that can be.

Today's bROkEN nEWs is sponsored by.....

Whatever the Hell Angie Dickinson Was Selling Back in 1979!

Whatever it is, it's a damn sight cooler, hotter, sexier than anything you've got going on right now here in 2014! 

So get on down to your local Wal-Mart, 7-Eleven, Home Depot, Ace Hardware...go wherever the hell you want and ask for.....

Whatever the Hell Angie Dickinson Was Selling Back in 1979!

And tell 'em bROkEN nEWs sent ya! 

OK, let's put this sonuvabitch on the road

In 5...





#BrokenNews "GOP Roadblocks Senate With Iran War Push" Because their question is always, "What is 'raw' spelled backwards?" 

Think about it....


OK, moving on!

#BrokenNews "Toronto Mayor Rob Ford Injures Himself Celebrating Canada Hockey Win"  No doubt the words "inebriation" and/or "crack pipe" were mentioned in the medical report. 

#BrokenNews Toronto Mayor Rob Ford: Heavy Drinking Is 'Past Me'” He’s moved on to heavier drinking.

#BrokenNews "Governors: Obamacare Is Here To Stay" The Tea Party is relieved; they don't have to come up with something new to be against. 

#BrokenNews "Dale Earnhardt Jr. Wins Daytona 500" Six days later, rednecks everywhere are still partying. 

Hey, here's The Count with...

bROkEN nEWs tHAt cOuNtS! 

Take it away, Count! 

Hello, kids! I'm the Count and I've got something very special to count today! Blah! And this is for women out there who may think they're experiencing menopause at an early age! Now menopause is a natural thing that happens to a woman as she ages and...well, it makes her mean and ugly. I can't lie to you, kids! But take heart! There are FIVE...oh, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5....FIVE signs that you think are menopause and it isn't.
So let's count! Blah! 

1.    You’re always very hot.  Relax, it’s not menopause; you’re the Human Torch.
2.    You’re consumed by enormous rage. OK, that’s not menopause either; it just means you’ve turned into the Incredible Hulk.
3.    You wake up with the sheets soaking wet. No, this is not excessive sweating due to menopause; you’re Bruce Springsteen in “I’m On Fire”
4.    You’re cranky and grumpy a lot. Don’t worry about menopause; this only means that you’re talk show host David Letterman.
5.    You have trouble sleeping. Is this menopause? Maybe or it could mean you’re Toronto mayor Rob Ford and you’ve done too much heroin again!

Thank you, Count! That was...sort of...kind of...useful...ish?

#BrokenNews "Doc Sentenced For Sex Attacks During Surgery" Dude, really? Surgery is NOT the time for sex attacks, OK?

#BrokenNews "Why Won't---

OK, not insinuating there IS a time for sex attacks. NO! There is NO good time for a sex attack! And certainly not during a surgery. That's just gross. OK, let's move on.

#BrokenNews "Why Won't---

All right, the important issue here is not that it's gross to attack someone sexually while their body is presumably opened up for surgery. The point is that it's an ATTACK! Which is wrong. OK, I think we're clear? Good! 

#BrokenNews "Why Won't Clarence Thomas Speak Up?" Because he has Anthony Scalia's dick in his mouth?

#BrokenNews Holding Doors Open For Men Apparently Hurts Their Self-Esteem” Oh, it’s true, it’s true! You held the door for me and my confidence in my masculinity is fading, fading! Quick! Engage emergency oral sex protocols! NOW! Oh, fading, fading….

Hey! Let's do the picture THANG! 

Now back to them headlines, pardner! 

#BrokenNews "Anti-Gay Policies Driving Huge Numbers Of Millennials From Church" Also the lack of a fully stocked expresso bar and free Wi-Fi. 

Or maybe millennials have standards and don't won't to be associated with guys like this....

#BrokenNews "Founder Of World's Largest Megachurch Convicted Of Embezzlement" He seeks your forgiveness for being caught.

#BrokenNews "U.S. Reportedly Eavesdropping On Hundreds Of Key German Figures" Until we find one who speaks English 'cause our German's a little bit rusty.

#BrokenNews "Turns Out Charlie Sheen Is Engaged To A Married Woman" How dumb do you have to be to marry Charlie Sheen? Dumb enough to forget you're already married!

Wait! I know this guy! 
I never forget a face!

Oh this is crying out for more than just one snarky comment. This calls for a whole cluster of...

That's right, SNARK BOMBS! Now calcium fortified for stronger teeth and bones!

OK, here's the wind up...

Husband Draws Wife A Penis A Day For An Entire Year

And let 'er rip!  

·         So she’ll know what one really looks like!
·         That’ll teach her to complain she doesn’t get dick in the way presents from him!
·         This is what happens when you let  Anthony Weiner play Pictionary!
·         OK, enough is enough, Bill. Hillary’s sick of this shit!
·         It could be worse: he could've made penis puppets. 
·         He draws with one hand while the other hand holds the magnifying glass!
·         He’s drawn one in green for St Patrick’s Day…or is that for VD Awareness Day?
·         Any present he buys her will be awesome because at least it won’t be another drawing of his damn dick!
·         She returns the favor by drawing for her husband a bigger penis a day for an entire year!
·         They’re cock-a-doodles!  

This has been SNARK BOMBS! Make them part of your nutritional breakfast!

Now back to the headlines! 

#BrokenNews Ex-Boxing Champ Vitali Klitschko to Run For Ukraine Presidency” His first act as President: pass resolution to get more vowels for his last name. 

Meanwhile, in the US, the Tea Party is inspired: “We can get candidates who actually punch people instead of saying stuff?! Sweet!”

#BrokenNews Hagel: U.S. Military Must Shrink To Face 'More Volatile' World” Then the Defense Secretary unveiled his Super Duper Shrink Ray!

#BrokenNews Man Accidentally Kills Himself While Demonstrating How Safe His Guns Are” You know what the problem here was? He didn’t have enough guns!

Have you ever wondered what Katy Perry would've looked like as a villain in the 1960's Batman TV show?

You have?

Shit, you're weird. Well, here you go! 

Oh, yeah! More headlines, brother! 

#BrokenNews Cheney: Obama Would Rather Spend On Food Stamps Than Military” Instead of feeding hungry people, let’s put them in the military, put them on IED clearing duty; if you don’t get blown up, congratulations: you get food stamps!

Which is kind of how that's already working.

#BrokenNews Eric Holder: States Should Be 'Suspicious' Of Gay Marriage Bans” What? Could it be that these bans are not about “protecting the sanctity of marriage” but rather are heavy handed moves to consolidate power with political conservatives? 

Nah, it’s gotta be something else, I’m sure.

#BrokenNews "1 Gender Remarkably Absent From Conservative Conference Speakers" 1 gender missing? Who could it be? No, let me guess! Let me guess! Uh...I got this! I got this!, I'm stumped.

Hey, Count Dude! Lay some countin' on me, m'man with more...

bROkEN nEWs tHAt cOuNtS! 

OK, why do I keep coming here?
I mean, I have a good gig going over at PBS and it's not like I make a lot of money over here. And that Dave-El is just...weird. Blah! OK, take a deep breath and...we're on?

Hi, kids! I know there's a lot of things to worry about: Are you going to make friends? Can you finish your homework? Why are you doing strange bits for a random blogger for no discernible reason? 
Anyway (ooh, this might actually be good!) here are FIVE...ooh, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5....FIVE ways to have a worry free day! 
Enjoy kids! 
5 Ways to Have a Worry-Free Day
1.    Don’t give a shit.
2.    Don’t take any shit.
3.    Don’t do shit
4.    Let other people do shit

5.    Shit will take care of itself

#BrokenNews Obama Is So Done With Karzai” Obama’s wearing sweats hunkered up in the Oval Office with a quart of Ben ‘n’ Jerry’s and listening to Taylor Swift songs.

#BrokenNews Even Fox News Is Against Arizona's Homophobic Bill” I mean you start outlawing gays in Arizona and then it spreads to other states, then where will Fox News pundits get their hair done? WHERE? 

Later Gov. Brewer vetoed the controversial legislation when she realized she was in desperate need of more moisturizer!

I have NO idea what that means! 

#BrokenNews "Dalai Lama: 'Technology Cannot Produce Compassion'" Adding, "But it's astoundingly quick at accessing porn so it's all good." 


And that wraps up another weeks worth of bROkEN nEWs insanity! 

Remember this week's bROkEN nEWs has been brought to you by....

Whatever the Hell Angie Dickinson Was Selling Back in 1979!

Damn straight you need it! 
Hell you want it! 
No, I don't know what it is! 

All I know is it's...

Whatever the Hell Angie Dickinson Was Selling Back in 1979!

Anyway I hope you've enjoyed this week's installment of bROkEN nEWs. But let me remind you, I do take the concerns of readers seriously. I beseech you, if ANY part of today's bROkEN nEWs offended you in ANY way, please bring these to the attention of the bROkEN nEWs cOMpLAiNt dEpARtMeNt.

Hey, look who's on the B*N*C*D desk today: First Lady Michelle Obama! Oh, she's a nice and compassionate person who...

"Listen up: no one dragged your ass to this stupid blog thing so if you can't deal, that's on you, not me! Okay?"

Okay then. 

Until next time, be good to one another.  

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