Monday, February 17, 2014

A Guide To the US Presidents

Hi there! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, part of the executive branch of the internet. 

I'm Dave-El and today in the United States, we celebrate President's Day where we honor the men and....well, men who have served as leaders of our great nation by getting some really good bargains on sheets and pillow cases.  

You may not know about our Presidents. Perhaps you are not a citizen of the United States. Or perhaps you are a teenage occupant of the American public education system. In either case, below is a listing of everyone who has allegedly been President of the United States of America.  

  1. George Washington (1789-1797) Thanks to George Washington, Americans have freedom to access all sorts of vending machines around the country. 
  2. John Adams (1797-1801) Forever known in American history as "that guy who was President between Washington and Jefferson"
  3. Thomas Jefferson (1801-1809) Let's just say he loved the mocha-chino and leave it at that, OK?
  4. James Madison (1809-1817) In addition to being President, he also wrote the Broadway musical "Hello Dolly".
  5. James Monroe (1817-1825) Was famous for "The Monroe Doctrine" as well as for "The Monroe Protocols", "The Monroe Maneuver" and "The Monroe Recipe for Dutch Apple Pie".
  6. John Quincy Adams (1825-1829) John Adams again but pretending to be his own son. 
  7. Andrew Jackson (1829-1837) He made his own pork rinds right there in the Oval Office.
  8. Martin Van Buren (1837-1841) His nick name was "Van Busta Moven". 
  9. William H. Harrison (1841) Oops, how did he get in here? Doesn't anybody check ID's?
  10. John Tyler (1841-1845) Governed with a ventriloquist dummy named Tippercanoe. 
  11. James K. Polk (1841-1849) I have no idea.
  12. Zachary Taylor (1849-1850) Same here. 
  13. Millard Fillmore (1850-1853) Who?
  14. Franklin Pierce (1853-1857)  Also known as Hawkeye of MASH. 
  15. James Buchanan (1857-1861) That guy before Lincoln
  16. Abraham Lincoln (1861-1865) Tall dude with a taller hat. Notorious rail splitter. Held the nation together during the Civil War using wisdom, strength and lots of duct tape. Freed the slaves, sometimes individually using his surprisingly stealthy ninja skills. Loved the theater.
  17. Andrew Johnson (1865-1869) There will never, ever be a movie by Steven Spielberg called "Johnson". (At least not without a bunch of guys giggling at it. "Yeah, I'd like two tickets to see Steven Spielberg's Johnson." Giggle!) 
  18. Ulysses S. Grant (1869-1877) Grant ran the country the same way he ran the Union Army: fall over drunk a lot and stay the hell out of the way. Hey, works for me. 
  19. Rutherford B. Hayes (1877-1881) I don't want to impugn the man's intelligence but he was also known as "Rutherford Be Hazy".  
  20. James A. Garfield (1881)  Hated Mondays, loved lasagna.  
  21. Chester A. Arthur (1881-1885) Spent a lot of time drunk, chasing Liza Minnelli and giggling at himself. 
  22. Grover Cleveland (1885-1889) Sorry, Grover; nothing personal, we're just going in a different direction. 
  23. Benjamin Harrison (1889-1893) Oh my God! Get Grover back here! 
  24. Grover Cleveland (1893-1897) Hey, Grover, buddy! No hard feelings, eh?
  25. William McKinley (1897-1901) I'm sure he did some stuff. No, I don't feel like looking it up.
  26. Theodore Roosevelt (1901-1909) The nation's first "kick ass President", he personally won the Spanish American War single handed with a mystic staff he called "The Bully Pulpit" which later served as an inspiration for Stan Lee & Jack Kirby in creating "The Mighty Thor". 
  27. William H. Taft (1909-1913) Change the letters around and "Taft" spells "Fatt". (The extra "T" means "extra fat".) 
  28. Woodrow Wilson (1913-1921) The first US President to be a soccer ball with a face drawn on it.
  29. Warren G. Harding (1921-1923) A Republican who was sensitive to the plights of minorities, women, and labor. Yeah, somebody made this dude up, right?
  30. Calvin Coolidge (1923-1929) A man of few words, Calvin Coolidge was more comfortable talking to is stuffed tiger, Hobbes. 
  31. Herbert Hoover (1929-1933) Invented the vacuum cleaner.
  32. Franklin D. Roosevelt (1933-1945) Promoted the "New Deal" as a way to lift the nation out of the Great Depression. He was less successful with it's sequel, "The Newer Deal with Lemon Fresh Borax". FDR also led the nation through World War II from his flying weaponized wheel chair.  
  33. Harry S. Truman (1945-1953) Famous for saying "the buck stops here" which explains the deer poop in the oval office. 
  34. Dwight D. Eisenhower (1953-1961) Thanks to his interstate highway program, I can eat breakfast in a Cracker Barrel in North Carolina, have lunch at a Cracker Barrel in Tennessee and have dinner in a Cracker Barrel in Missouri. 
  35. John F. Kennedy (1961-1963) Had sex with Marilyn Monroe.
  36. Lyndon B. Johnson (1963-1969) Did not have sex with Marilyn Monroe.
  37. Richard M. Nixon (1969-1974) Look, they called him "Tricky Dick" and it was not a compliment
  38. Gerald R. Ford (1974-1977) Not Richard Nixon.
  39. Jimmy Carter (1977-1981) Even more not Richard Nixon.
  40. Ronald Reagan (1981-1989) Richard Nixon but with charisma, 
  41. George H. W. Bush (1989-1993) Gerald Ford but without the charisma. 
  42. Bill Clinton (1993-2001) Jimmy Carter but definitely with lust in his heart and other body parts.
  43. George W. Bush (2001-2009) Well, it was his turn.  
  44. Barack Hussein Obama (2009-Present) First US President of color, a ground breaking visionary (MSNBC) or Satan (Fox News), take your pick.  

Well, I hope this was of some educational benefit to you on this President's Day here in the good ol' US of A! 

Thanks for dropping by and remember to be good to one another. 

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