Friday, November 18, 2016

Broken News For Friday, November 18, 2016




**********bRoKEn nEwS!**********
**********bRoKEn nEwS!**********
**********bRoKEn nEwS!**********
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Hi there! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, a broom closet blog in a Trump Tower internet. I'm Dave-El and I'm bringing sexy back if sexy would just stop escaping.

For the last 7 posts, I have put the focus of this blog on matters exceedingly unimportant, at least in a big picture kind of way. I've posted about Doctor Strange, The Crown, Doctor Who, 30 Rock and Supergirl. I rambled on a bit about how I don't really buy that many comic books anymore and perhaps you were amused by my computer's efforts to kill me.

Sorry.

Shut up! I even wrote about Lin-Manuel Miranda's Hamilton documentary just to avoid coming back here. To reality. To a world where...

I still can't believe this shit.

Me neither, computer!

A world where Donald Trump is going to be the President of the United States.

Even if Hillary... had won...

She should've paid more attention to Michigan!

Right, computer. AND Pennsylvania! But even if she had won, I would've taken a respite from blogging about politics and the world around us. But the actual... results made such a move away from such things even more important.

So...

I've given this a week to... accept that Donald Trump is going to be President, that this is not a plot development in a cheesy apocalyptic horror movie made for the SyFy channel.


No, it is NOT fine! It is the opposite of fine! Look where fine is and then run in the opposite direction but you can't run far enough or fast enough to get as far away from fine as we are right now.

But what can we do? 

No less than the main man himself, still President and forever the coolest guy in Washington, Barack Obama has said we need to... accept this.

Well...

FUCK THAT!

For our first post in 7 days to address the world around us, I'm dusting off bRoKEn nEWs again! Yes, bRoKEn nEWs, my semi-regular attempt at new satire. Satire is a form of humor that if you don't laugh at it, it's your fault not mine.

bRoKEn nEWs is brought to by...



Yes, Lettuce Away! When you need to get lettuce from here to there, there's really only one quality choice for catapulting heads of lettuce across great distances! As it says in their catchy jingle...

Put the lettuce in the catapult and..
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And now, let's pull this son of a bitch bRoKEn nEWs out of the damn garage and let's hit the fucking road with some headlines in 5...


4...

3...

2...

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Donald Trump’s Pick For Interior Secretary Could Do A Lot Of Damage

First item on the Interior Secretary's agenda? "Blow shit up real good! Woo-hoo!"  

Someone will need to explain to Donald that "Interior Secretary" does not mean the cute receptionist who brings him coffee. 

Conspiracy Theorist Alex Jones Says Donald Trump Called To Thank Him

And Alex replied, "Don't thank me; thank our alien overlords."

People Are Donating To Planned Parenthood In Mike Pence’s Name

To make it even worse, the donations are on checks with rainbow backgrounds.

Obama On Clinton’s Loss: ‘Good Ideas Don’t Matter If People Don’t Hear Them’

WHAT DID YOU SAY?! IT'S HARD FOR ME TO HEAR OVER THE GUNFIRE WHILE I SHOOT THESE MEXICANS IN THE ASS BACK OVER TO MEXICO!


And now....

JOKES FOR REPUBLICANS!


Obama Tells Democrats: Mope For A Week Or Two, Then Get Back To Work

Back to work? When did Democrats ever start working?

<rim shot>


And this has been...

JOKES FOR REPUBLICANS!


Trump Reportedly Considering Anti-Muslim Conspiracy Theorist For Deputy National Security Adviser

Trump really likes this guy's crayon drawings of the Prophet Mohammed, wants to put 'em on display in the White House vestibule. Wouldn't hurt nothing, right?

Jeff Sessions Was Deemed Too Racist To Be A Federal Judge. He Might Become Trump’s Attorney General.
There's a measuring stick outside the White House that says "You must be THIS racist or more to ride this ride." 

Donald Trump’s Top White House Adviser Is Also An Accused Domestic Abuser

Trump thinks "domestic abuser" means beating the cleaning staff.

Which Trump is OK with.

And now....

AWKWARD MOMENTS 
WITH 
MITCH MCCONNELL!
MITCH MCCONNELL!
MITCH MCCONNELL!
MITCH MCCONNELL!
MITCH MCCONNELL!




And this has been...

AWKWARD MOMENTS 
WITH 
MITCH MCCONNELL!
MITCH MCCONNELL!
MITCH MCCONNELL!
MITCH MCCONNELL!
MITCH MCCONNELL!


Now back to the head-

WAIT! Hold on! What's this? 



Wait! Melania! I need to know more! What is this Dark Angel? How is Donald Trump being President connected to this? Does it have to do something with the wall? Hello? Melania?

Hello?


You know...

Maybe it might be best if we just...

Move on. 

Oh, look! Headlines! 

A White Nationalist Is The New White House Chief Strategist
Donald Trump taking the term "White House" a bit too literally.


Gingrich: Steve Bannon Can’t Be Anti-Semitic Because He Worked In Finance And Hollywood
And he can't be racist because he's eaten fried chicken and likes Bill Cosby.





So, Why Did Donald Trump Want To Be President?

I don't think its that hard to answer this question. Why, I can think of ten (Yes, TEN!!) answers.

Holy Letterman, Batman! You know what that means?

TOP TEN REASONS
WHY DONALD TRUMP WANTED TO BE PRESIDENT


#10 - Donald really wants to see the alien head collection in Area 51
#9 - Guaranteed Fast Pass for ALL the rides
at Disney World
#8 - Use CIA satellites to spy on hot chicks.
#7 - Put “TRUMP” in giant gold letters on the side of the Washington Monument
#6 - Rename ”Air Force One” to “Hair Force Trump”
#5 - He wants to change out the Statue of Liberty with a Statue of Hooters.
#4 - Tactical nuclear strike on Mark Cuban 
#3 - Presidential discount at the Hair Club For Men
#2 - To bring real change for Americans who are struggling in this—ooh, something shiny! 

And the #1 reason why Donald Trump wanted to be President.....
All the pussy you can grab! 







Obama also trying very hard to not say out loud, "Goddam Hillary and her fucking private email server!"





Wait! Was that a non-Trump related headline? We gotta focus, people! FOCUS!!!

Trump Is Committed To NATO, Obama Says

Obama convinced Trump NATO stands for No Assfaces Tens Only.

Trump And Putin Speak By Phone And Agree For Cooperation, Kremlin Says

Is "cooperation" a Russian word for cock sucking?




Donald Trump’s First Planned Meeting With Foreign Leader Is A Complete Mess 

I'm sure it couldn't have been all that bad. Hey, a transcript of the meeting posted online. Looks like Trump was meeting with the Prime Minister of Japan. I'm sure Trump handled it just....

President-elect Trump: "Would you like-ee drink-ee?" (making exaggerated drinking motions) 

...fine. 

Oh, we are so fucked.  


But that story how in a luxury suite of a Hong Kong hotel and casino, Hillary Clinton personally murdered Elvis Presley after he faked his death in 1977, that's gotta be true, right? It seems like something "Killary" would do, am I right? Am I right?  

Hannity: Trump Should Deny Press Credentials To Major News Outlets

So this won't affect Fox News.

Hey, look! It's President-Elect Donald Trump seated with Congressional Speaker of the House Paul Ryan.


They seem to be in a good mood. I wonder what Ryan is thinking? 



OK, it looks like Rep. Ryan is willing to give the new President a chance and try to work with him, despite their past animosity. Well, good for him! 

And I also have to wonder what is on Trump's mind?



And I think we're done here!

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And that is that for this special post election edition of bRoKEn nEWs. If you have any complaints about the material presented in today's post, please take those up with the bRoKEn nEWs Complaint Dept.




Damn! Everywhere you look, Trumps!  

Feel the warmth, feel the love.

bRoKEn nEWs was brought to you by Colin Kaepernick Ass Cream! When you sit on your ass so much, sometimes its hard to do other things... like voting for President. That's when you need the cooling relief of Colin Kaepernick Ass Cream!




bRoKEn nEWs was also brought to you by the American Turnip Council. Have you eaten a turnip today? You haven't? Well, you really shouldn't; they're awful.

bRoKEn nEWs is a production of I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You Entertainment with a grant from the Dave-El Foundation in partnership with the Corporation For Public Broadcasting (They don't keep up with these things.) in fellowship with the Church of Latter Day Saints (Shhh! Don't tell 'em! It's a surprise!) with support from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation (We wish!) hand in hand with readers like you.

No, not you. The other one. Yeah, you!

OK, that's a wrap! Remember to be good to one another.

Mr. Sea Otter, please escort our guests out.



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