Friday, November 4, 2016

Broken News For Friday, November 4th, 2016

Hi there! 

So...

HOW 'BOUT THEM THERE CHICAGO CUBS!!!




World Series Champions for the first time since 1908! That's a long time back! Never mind "Wow! That's before the internet!" I don't think they had pencils back then. Letters had to be written using tiny pieces of twig and pools of your own blood. Letters were, you would understand, rather short. 

Dear Delores,
Cubs win!
Sincerely,
Harol-

Sorry, Delores, Harold passed out from blood loss. 

But you go, Cubs! Man, this was a tense series. Going into the World Series, everybody just figured it was the Cubs' year and they would win the thing. But the Cleveland Indians made things really tense by pulling ahead to a 3 to 1 lead and all of sudden, we're all in a panic!


This is not how it's supposed to go! I've got money on this series! I've bet the house and the kid's college fund! 

DON'T FUCK THIS UP FOR ME, CHICAGO!!!!

Pant! Wheez!

Ahem!

Sorry.

But after a very intense game 7, the Chicago Cubs finally claimed their destiny and I think everything is going be OK. 


Any parallels to the current US presidential election are purely coincidental. 



Speaking of which. I know there's a lot of stress out there over the outcome of the Presidential election. There is a sense of palpable fear that after all this time, we might actually elect Donald Trump as President of the United States. 

But really, there's no need to worry. You know who isn't worried? Hillary Clinton! That's right! Just look at her...




All relaxed and laughing. Good for her! What will be will be! Take what life gives you and just do the best you can! You can fret in the face of frustration and worry or...




...you can laugh. 


Er, Hillary's still laughing?


OK, cut her some damn slack! All the shit she's put up with, she deserves some down time, some relaxed time, some fun time! 


Hey, what's the current President doing to relax?  



President Obama Practices 
His Pig Hollerin' Skills
Wow! Obama has some mad pig calling skills, yo! If it helps you chill, Mr. President Bro, do just do your thing. It's important to relax, enjoy yourself, learn to...



...laugh a little. 

OK, this is getting weird. 

I hope she's not broken.

Hey, the title of the post says we're doing bROKeN nEWs today. I should be getting to that. 


bROKeN nEWs is a semi-irregular feature on I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You engaging in news satire. Remember, satire is a form of humor where if you don't think it's funny, its your fault. 

Let's get to the headlines, shall we? Yes, let's shall!

bROKeN nEWs headlines are off in 5...

4...

3...

2...

____________________________________


Down To The Wire And Way Too Close For Comfort

Are we talking about the Presidential campaign or a badly fitting worn out bra? 


Manafort Was Right. Trump Should Have Stopped Campaigning.

I’m thinking Donald should've stopped campaigning around June. Of last year.


Female Breast Inspectors? (Donald sure hopes so!) 


"Me Cookie Monster! Me want...hold on, it's right on the tip of my tongue. Wait! I don't have a tongue? Me want tongue! Also want...Me want....Me need to think about it."  

Maybe we should check in on Hillary...



Ooh boy! I think the pressure's getting to her.



This GOP Congressman Dumped Trump Over His P***y Comments. Now, He Says He’s Qualified.

Look, if you’re prepared to accept Donald Trump for his hateful rhetoric, ill advised policies, complete ignorance of how government works, a total disregard for our allies, a nasty temperament and more, well, in that context, being a p***y grabber is really more of an asset than a liability.


‘The Last Chance To Save America’: Trump’s Campaign Has Energized Militia Groups

Militia groups are energized? So fear and hatred succeed where Viagra didn’t. 


Sean Hannity Shares Fake Story About Hillary Clinton

In Hannity’s defense, the idea that Clinton is really the demi-gorgon from Stranger Things just seems like something that would be true.


"Look at that, an angry black man
accosting my Kellyanne Conway like that! Sad!"
"Mr. Trump, sir, that's Whoopi Goldberg!"
"Right, like I said, an angry black man! It's disgusting!"
"Mr. Trump, sir, Whoopi Goldberg is a woman."
"Really? Since when?"
"Since...always, Mr. Trump."
"You're fired! Get this bum out of here!"
"But Mr. Trump, sir, I'm your son, Eric!"
Annnnnnd... scene! 

Back to the headlines! 



Black Mississippi Church Burned And Vandalized With ‘Vote Trump’

OK, I think there might be a few bugs in that GOP African American outreach program. 


Ron Johnson: Clinton Should Be Impeached

Hold up there, Ron, old buddy; she hasn’t been elected yet. You can’t have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat!


Halloween’s Over, But Scary Record-Breaking Heat Continues

Ah, nothing says “autumn” like pumpkin spice ice cream.



"Welcome to... The Neftlix Show!
The show on Netflix that's about Netflix!"


White Supremacists Plan Election Day Voter Intimidation Effort

As a helpful note to you white supremacists out there, “intimidation” is a big word that means “scare”.


Republicans were confused by Obama's remarks, has if hyper-partisan reversals are a bad thing.

ISIS Releases Chilling Message Purportedly From Mysterious Leader 

He wants to capture Moose and Squirrel.  

...

Uh oh. That went over your head? Sorry about that. Here to help is...

The 
bROKeN nEWs 
Department of Punchline Explanations
(1960's edition)  


There was a cartoon show called Rocky and Bullwinkle. Rocky was a flying squirrel and Bullwinkle was a moose. It was the 1960's; drugs may have been involved. Anyway, Rocky and Bullwinkle were frequently the target of the evil machinations of Boris and Natasha, 2 pasty white vaguely humanoid beings with Russian accents who worked for their mysterious Fearless Leader. Somehow or another, Rocky and Bullwinkle would come into the possession of some damn thing that would help someone rule the world or some shit like that and Boris and Natasha would be tasked to go get it which meant they had to stop, as they frequently referred to them, "moose and squirrel".  

Yeah, I'm pretty sure drugs were involved.  

Netflix Is Working On Letting You Watch TV Shows, Movies Without Internet 

When I was a kid, it was called a "TV antennae".  


You know, Melania Trump does make a very important point: people in our culture are too mean! It's true!

Remember that guy who mocked a reporter for having a disability?

Or that dude who body shamed a Miss Universe contestant?

And don't forget that guy who said mean things about the parents of a soldier who was killed in Iraq?

Really, a lot of mean people out there! There was this man who once made fun of a war hero for being captured; that was quite mean.

And believe it or not, there was this dude who kept interrupting this woman when she was talking yet had the gall to call her a nasty woman.

Melania, you go girl! You call out those bullies out there and let 'em know that sort of thing is just plain wrong!
...

...

Editor's note: All those guys referenced up there was actually the same guy.

Reader's note: Yeah, we kind of figured.

Editor's note: It was Donald Trump.

Reader's note: We know! We know!
...

...

Editor's note: Kind of ironic his wife is calling out bullying!

Reader's note: WE GET IT!  
...

...

Editor's note: You don't have to yell. 

_______________________________

And that's a wrap on today's installment of  bROKeN nEWs, a production of I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You Entertainment in conjunction with Dave-El Incorporated Enterprises Unlimited LLC.

By the way, if you have conjunction, you should probably go see your doctor. 

If any part of bROKeN nEWs caused any offense, please bring these concerns to the bROKeN nEWs Complaint Desk. So who's on the desk today? 


Er, maybe you should come back later. 

Sorry. 

Thanks for popping by. Remember to be good to one another. 

Mr. President, can our readers go now?


Thank you, Mr. President.  

"COOKIE!!!!!"

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Tick tock, goes the clock! The Doctor's running out of time. Tonight is the first of the last two episodes of Doctor Who Series 10. ...