Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Completely Sensible Murder

So I heard on the radio recently a news item about how the police were investigating the senseless murder of a local man.

"Senseless murder"? 

It's a phrase that ratchets up the tension of a macabre tragedy. But still...

"Senseless murder"?

As opposed to what, sensible murder? 

Well, let's see how that would work.


Police are investigating the murder of a local man, a crime described as a brutal and vicious but nonetheless sensible murder. 

The victim was identified as Clyde Wayne Whitaker Jr, age 39 and police may be hard pressed to narrow down any suspects as the entire community is not surprised by his murder or even saddened to hear of it. 

Jed Greenfield, manager of the area Stop 'n' Go convenience store, described Whitaker as "a complete and total asshole". Greenfield noted that Whitaker frequently stole from his store and would often stagger drunk around the gas pumps, trying to hit on women. "So somebody shot the bastard, huh? Yeah, that seems sensible."  

Whitaker was shot 4 times by a .38 Special hand gun. Bullets struck him in the groin, the stomach and the chest before a fourth and final shot exploded his skull right between his eyes. 

Bessie Nealy, a retired school teacher who lives in the area, commented on Whitaker's murder. "Shot four times? Yeah, that sounds about right." She noted that Whitaker had a habit of urinating in public in front of women and children. "Shooting him dead seems like the sensible thing to do." 

Landscaper Hector Lopez said that Whitaker could be found often defecating on people's lawns. "It was a filthy mess to clean up," Lopez observed, adding "Well, it makes sense someone would shoot him."  

Rev. Matt Thomas approached the crime scene to say a prayer for the victim. However when he was told the victim was Clyde Wayne Whitaker Jr, the pastor stopped, saying, "What? Whitaker? Oh never mind, he's roasting in hell." Rev. Thomas noted Whitaker had a bad habit of pleasuring himself in the church playground. "Really, the only sensible thing would be to shoot him to death." 

The police were already familiar with 
Whitaker before his murder. Officer Janice O'Reilly said Whitaker had a long list of arrests for stealing, indecent exposure and being a public nuisance among other things. Officer O'Reilly commented, "I'm just surprised that no one had murdered the son of a bitch before now. It was such a sensible thing to do."  

When asked if there were any leads, Officer O'Reilly said there was nothing concrete. She did find a smart phone on Whitaker's person with the following texts: 

TERESA: Clyde, you f**king asshole, you've been screwing those whores again!

CLYDE: It's no business of yours.

TERESA: The hell it ain't. I've got V.D. from you, you motherf**king jackass!

CLYDE: Don't pin that on me, you whore!"

TERESA: You calling me a whore?! That does it! I'm going to kill you!

CLYDE: I'd like to see you try! 

TERESA: I'll do more that try! I've got a .38 special and I'm going to plant bullets in your filthy cock, your stomach and your chest and then for good measure, one more between your f**king eyes!

Officer O'Reilly shook her head. "There's not a lot work with there," she noted. "If only we had some clue to the identity of the killer. But sometimes, the trail is cold and there are no solid leads. We'll do what we can but we may never solve the brutal, vicious and completely sensible murder of Clyde Wayne Whitaker Jr."  

Watching Television: Super P.I.s, Zombie Realtors & More

Hey, I'm still working to keep my New Year's resolution to watch MORE television. How is that going? _________________________...