My View From the Other Side

It was 2:00 in the afternoon, a Wednesday, the 15^th of August.  This was years ago. I was in a conference room, seated on one side of a mahogany finish table.  On the other side of the table was a woman, my boss at that time. Between us was a speaker phone, the voice of another woman, my boss’s boss. Also on the table was a sheath of papers. The cover sheet identified this as a document from human resources. Specifically, this document was our corporate guidelines on sexual harassment. 

 

The purpose of this meeting was to address my violation of our company’s sexual harassment policy.

 

The voices of my boss and her boss were slow and measured. The woman who made the complaint was not identified but I knew who it was. The specific actions identified as sexual harassment were not discussed but I knew what had brought me here, to that place, to that moment.


My heart sank with a dread sense of loss and of shame.

 

I was asked if I had anything to say on this matter. It was made plain to me that there is no excuse for or defense of sexual harassment. No, I had nothing to say. 

 

I suppose I should clarify that I was not being formally accused of sexual harassment, just being “counseled” on our guidelines. Lacking a formal accusation, I nonetheless felt the weight of judgement.

 

My actions had made someone, a woman I worked with and had thought of as a friend, I had made that person feel uncomfortable, threatened even. Whatever grey area existed in whatever I had done and my actual culpability in the whole affair, the end result was inescapable: I had hurt someone. Someone who I never wanted to hurt ever and I had done so to the point she needed to seek out protection from me. I could not forgive myself for that.

 

I still can’t.

 

Let me cover some ground on what did not happen in this relationship. 

• There was no sex, no kissing or other inappropriate physical contact.
• There were no requests, threats nor coercions for sex, kissing or other inappropriate physical contact.
• There was no abuse of any authority I might have had towards this person. 
• There were no public or private comments about this woman's appearance or character.

 

I suppose I should offer some details about what I actually did do but if you don't mind, the whole thing is an embarrassment.  I will say that a relationship I had with a woman at work hit a bit of a bad patch. I'll be blunt: I did not always comport myself in an adult or professional manner. 

 

And that is when I found myself in that conference room, being counseled on sexual harassment.

 

Women have to put up with a lot of crap in this world. They sure as hell do not need to feel unsafe or insecure at work. But that’s what I made this woman, this person I had considered a friend, this is what I made her feel.

 

And I will never forgive myself for that.

 

And that’s my view from the other side of sexual harassment.