Everything All the Time All At Once

 A few years ago, Saturday Night Live put on a sketch centered on a cable news politics panel show where the assembled pundits are pontificating on Donald Trump's latest scandal. There is a certitude from most of these panelist that the latest scandal would be the one that would do Trump in once and for all.  Except one guy played by Keenan Thompson who had this refrain: "Ain't nothing gonna happen."

Over the course of the sketch are numerous flashback with these same panels asserting that this time Donald Trump is some serious trouble he can't get out and each time there's Keenan with  "Ain't nothing gonna happen."

My wife Andrea is frequently guilty of being like those panelist in that sketch, breathlessly anticipating whatever shit Trump is in now would be one that finally gets him in real trouble he can't get out of.

And I have to channel Keenan Thompson and remind her yet again  "Ain't nothing gonna happen."

Mind you, I do NOT want to be right. 

But so far, I have consistently been proven right.

But not for the fucking lack of any damn opportunity.  

With some help from Bess Levin at Vanity Fair, here is a comprehensive list of every single damn thing that is happening at one damn time that puts Donald Trump in actual serious legal jeopardy.   

1. The Classified-Documents Investigation

Treasonous shit? 

It appears Trump engaged in obstruction of justice, mishandled government records, and violated the Espionage Act.  

2. The Justice Department’s Criminal Investigation of January 6 and the Plot to Overturn the Election

Insurrection and election fraud shit.  

3. The Georgia Criminal Investigation
Election fraud shit.  

4. The Manhattan District Attorney’s Criminal Case Against the Trump Organization, Etc.
Tax evasion shit.  

5. The New York Attorney General’s Civil Investigation Into the Trump Organization
Property valuation shit. 

This is where the Trump Organization is accused of inflating the value of its assets when seeking loans and trying to impress people, only to deflate them when it came time to pay taxes. 

This is the case where Donald Trump showed up and invoked his Fifth Amendment right to not answer questions being posed to him by the New York attorney general’s office. 

There is of course numerous examples of Trump mocking people for pleading the 5th, citing if a person is not guilty, why plead the 5th. Yeah, Donnie! Why do that?

6. The Westchester Criminal Investigation of the Trump Organization
Property valuation shit. 

7. The DC Attorney General’s Criminal Investigation of January 6

Insurrection shit. 

8. The E. Jean Carroll Defamation Suit
Saying shit about people.

Author E. Jean Carroll sued Trump for defamation in 2019 after he accused her of lying when she alleged he raped her in a New York City department store dressing room in the ’90s.

Trump's defense against the rape allegation is that Carroll wasn't his "type". 

And his defense against calling her a liar is that he was President when he said it and as President, he can do whatever he wants, nyah, nyah, nayh!  

9. The Mary Trump Lawsuit
Defrauding people shit

Trump’s niece, Mary Trump, is currently suing him (and his sister Maryanne, and the estate of their late brother Robert) for allegedly defrauding her out of millions of dollars. Trump sued her back. Mary's response: “I think he is a fucking loser."

10. The House of Representatives’ January 6 Lawsuit
Insurrection and election fraud shit. 

11. The Eric Swalwell Suit
Insurrection and election fraud shit.  

12. The Capitol Police January 6 lawsuits
Insurrection shit. 

13. The Metropolitan Police January 6 lawsuit
Insurrection shit. 

14. The Michael Cohen lawsuit
Saying shit about people.

15. The Class Action Lawsuit Against the Trump Biz and the Trumps
Defrauding people shit.  

16. The NAACP Legal Defense Fund Voting Rights Lawsuit
Election fraud shit.  

17. The Trump Tower Assault Lawsuit
Saying shit about people.

Five individuals are suing Trump and others over the allegation that the Trump Organization’s then chief of security, Keith Schiller, hit one of them on the head when they were protesting outside of the company’s Manhattan headquarters in 2015. 

Last October, Trump was deposed under oath about the incident, and it was during this deposition that we learned he’s terrified of being killed by a piece of fruit.

WHEW!   

That's 17 things that we know about right now. And #1 on the list we didn't know about until a couple of weeks ago. 

There's no telling what new steaming pile of shit we'll have to deal with next from this moron.

And old shit seems to be come back including Robert Mueller's god damn investigation. It seems there's some duplicitous shit going on with a memo from the Department of Justice and then Attorney General Bill Barr deciding there was nothing in Mueller's report to charge Trump with a crime. 

I'm not sure of the details on this but it appears that Barr may have futzed with some details of Mueller's case to make that assessment? 

Who knows. We'll probably be adding that to the list before it's all over. 

One more thing to make us think: 

And one more time I will need to remind everyone, "Ain't nothing gonna happen."