Friday, October 2, 2015

Broken News For Friday, October 2nd, 2015

People of Earth! Pay heed to the return of...

bROkEN nEWs! 
bROkEN nEWs! 
bROkEN nEWs! 
bROkEN nEWs! 
bROkEN nEWs! 

Hi there and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, your new internet home if you miss the joys of Blake Lively's website. I'm Dave-El but I don't know who you are which suggests I'm doing most of the work in this relationship. 

We might need counseling. 

Today I'm posting a special edition of a feature I used to run every Friday for almost 2 years, bROkEN nEWs!. In case you're wondering if bROkEN nEWs! is a extra whitening toothpaste or a new hemorrhoid ointment, relax, it's both. It's also a source of news satire. Remember, satire is a form of humor that if you don't think it's funny, well, that's your fault, not mine. But that's all right, I still love you all. 

Well, I'll love as many of you as I can. I'm not as young as I used to be. 

Before we move on with this special return engagement of bROkEN nEWs!, let's have a word from our sponsor. 

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Look for Pennzoil For Vaginas on the feminine hygiene aisle or automotive section at your nearby Wal-Mart.

OK, let's get this show on the road!

 bROkEN nEWs! is up in 5...





Rand Paul Says He Doesn't Support A Government Shutdown, But Basically Supports A Government Shutdown - Rand Paul has the courage of his whatever he's feeling right now. 

Congress Moves To Keep Government Open, For Now - Meanwhile Ted Cruz sulks in a corner, refusing to even eat his pudding. 

Republicans Ready For December Shutdown As Boehner Exits - Get ready for a new holiday classic from the GOP: How the Tea Party Fucked Christmas!

And now...


And this has been...


Hillary Clinton Calls For Eliminating Obamacare's 'Cadillac Tax' And replacing it with a much smaller Hyundai Sonata Tax

Kansas Governor Wants To Teach Residents How To Prepare For Zombies 
Otherwise known as Trump Supporters  

Donald Trump's Tax Plan Could Balloon The Debt By 75 Percent - Or to about half the size of Trump's ego 

Not A Single Trump Claim Rated 'True' By PolitiFact - Trump’s policy positions are actually a script from “2 Broke Girls”.  

Donald Trump takes a power nap to dream up new ways to insult people.

Carly Fiorina Laments That Politics Is 'A Fact-Free Zone'  That's why she's making up her own facts.  

Number of Americans Trying to Join ISIS Has Doubled  ISIS has a fantastic dental plan and free snacks in the break room. 

This here is America! You can't tell ME how I can wash MY bras! 

Er, hypothetically speaking. If I had bras. Which I don't! 


OK, moving on, moving on....

Long-Lost 'Secret Rooms' May Have Been Found In King Tut's Tomb - One of them had the legendary Ping Pong Table of Tutankhaten

Lena Dunham Says The End Is Near For 'Girls' She means the end of the series, not more anal sex. (Most likely, she means both.) 

House Republicans Air Grievances In Wake Of Boehner's Resignation - The airing of grievances will be followed by feats of strength as the GOP celebrates Festivus.   

Meanwhile, Brian Williams promises to boost MSNBC’s numbers by like a gazillion. 

Hey, if Jeb Bush JEB! isn’t ashamed of his name…

Jeb Bush gets stumped at comedy improv night.
"OK, my character is a Presidential candidater who 
doesn't say stupid shit?"

Rick Santorum Admits Gay Couples Can Be Just Normal Parents

SO I’m thinking there’s a gay couple out there with incriminating photos of Rick Santorum in a liplock with Harvey Fierstein 

This will lead Mr. Burns to ask, "Your first name is Waylon?" 

Mr. Burns doesn't mind Smithers being gay as long as he's not homosexual.

Meanwhile, Moe the bartender will come out...side and scare small children. 

To be fair, Pope Francis thought he was meeting Kristin Davis from Sex & the City, not Kim Davis, the Kentucky Clerk of Court. (“She’s really let herself go,” the Pope was heard to mutter to one of his cardinals.)   

Or maybe THIS is how the meeting went down. 

And now...the Pope and Kim Davis do karaoke! 

Don't go breaking my heart
I couldn't if I tried
Honey if I get restless
Baby you're not that kind
Don't go breaking my heart
You take the weight off me
Honey when you knock on my door
I gave you my key

Instead of a van, somebody should’ve borrowed a cannaBUS.  

Get it? CannaBUS? Like cannabis, another word for marijuana. Just change out the “bis” with “bus”? Oh come on! This is comedy gold here! 

If you want to see what a van looks like stuffed with 100 pounds of weed...

"That's not weed, occifer! That's my Christmas tree, yeah!" 

And now....Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton offers his review of that last joke.

So I'll put that down as a "maybe". 


OK that's all I have for this special edition of...                  bROkEN nEWs! 
bROkEN nEWs! 
bROkEN nEWs! 
bROkEN nEWs! 
bROkEN nEWs! 

Thank you for dropping by. Maybe I might post another one of these in a few months or so, depending on if the death threats have ebbed by then. 

I do value the readers of bROkEN nEWs! very highly and I want to make sure any questions, concerns or complaints are addressed. So please feel free to bring these to the attention of the bROkEN nEWs! Complaint Dept.

"I don't think so!
 Complaint departments are for losers!"

OK, maybe not. 

This edition of bROkEN nEWs! has been brought to you by....

Purina Poison Dart Frog Chow!

What do you feed a poison dart frog? Any damn thing it wants! It's a poison dart frog and can kill you in the blink of an eye. And what it wants is Purina Poison Dart Frog Chow

I should remind you that bROkEN nEWs! is a production of Dave-El Inc. and I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You Productions and cannot be held accountable for this content. We were never here! We have witnesses who'll back us up on that! Yeah! Try to stick this shit on us? Not gonna happen! 

Caution: bROkEN nEWs! should not be read without special radiation proof goggles. 

Oh fuck! We should've mentioned that earlier. 

And that's the end of this edition of bROkEN nEWs!. And.... should probably go now.  

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