Monday, October 12, 2015

This (Non) Sporting Life: Make Baseball Exciting

Hi there and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, your Louisville Slugger on this wacky baseball diamond we call the internet. I'm Dave-El and I'm not a very good baseball player because I lose my balls in thought. Welcome to a semi-regular post I do called "This (Non) Sporting Life", a blog post about sports written by a guy who doesn't know much about sports.

So baseball is apparently still a thing. Yes, baseball. It starts with spring training in winter and ends with the boys of summer playing in the fall. There's a kind of poetic symmetry to that, the kind of thing that used to get George Plimpton all tingly. 

Baseball defies time. A pitcher throws a ball in 1890, a batter swings and hits it in 1935, an outfielder catches it in 1957 and throws it to the 1st baseman waiting in 1973  but the runner is safely hugging 2nd in 1997 as the crowds cheer in 2015. It's a thread through time itself, binding us all together in this experience we call...America.

Now that was serious poetic baseball shit there, I tell you. 

A baseball game can technically never end. There are no specific measures of time, only of actions. At the end of the 9th inning, if both teams are tied, the game goes on until somebody wins the damn thing. It seems that baseball has always been here and will always remain. And that's not always a given, is it? On Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, set in the 24th century, Capt. Sisko was a fan of the ancient and forgotten game of baseball. Sadly, baseball came to an end during the 21st century after the London Kings won the last World Series. 

Of course, that's science fiction and not a reflection of real life. Well, funny I should mention that because science fiction, real life and baseball could be on a collision course this year. About 20 some odd years ago, Back to the Future II posited as future where the Chicago Cubs won the World Series in 2015. I'm not a big sports guy but even I'm aware of the hapless history of the Chicago Cubs. The idea that the Cubs would ever win the World Series was laughable. Literally, audiences laughed when that news comes out in Back to the Future II.

So now, here we are, in what those people back then called the future but we now call the present. It's 2015. And the Chicago Cubs are going to the World Series!

OK, they won a division playoff game and then they have, what, one or two more games to get to...

Eleven games? Oh come on! 

Anyway, if the Cubs go on to win this thing, that will be cool and weird at the same time.

Of all the major league sports that usually fail to get my attention, baseball is usually right at the bottom. My interest in baseball extends as far as our local minor league team, the Greensboro Grasshoppers. But we're lucky to have a really good ball park and excellent post game fireworks. And occasionally, just to add a little extra something-something, the Grasshoppers win a game or two which is rather nice of them. But still, baseball remains for me an exceedingly dull game without the benefit of alcohol. 

About a week back, over on Twitter, this hashtag was trending:

Notice the topic isn't #MakeBaseballMoreExciting. The topic implies an already non-existing level of excitement. As Homer Simpson once said, "I forgot how boring this game is when you're sober!"  

Anyway, I jumped in as I am want to do and came up with my 10 suggestions on how to make baseball exciting. 

  1. Exploding balls!
  2. Randomly electrified bases!
  3. Wind machines!
  4. Competitive ass scratching!
  5. Goodbye chewing tobacco. Hello...Meth!
  6. Strobe lights!
  7. Steel baseballs + magnets = FUN!
  8. Steel baseballs + lightning = MORE FUN!
  9. Now up at bat: Batman!
  10. Ferrets!
I think I'm ready to doze off now so that means my work here is done. So enough writing about baseball. I'll be back with another post tomorrow. Until then, remember to be good to one another.

Oh, and by the way, I can be found on Twitter here.  Come for the base; stay for the ball. 

And one last thing: here's some pics of Batman playing baseball.

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