Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Tricks For Avoiding Small Talk

Hi there! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You. I'm Dave-El and I can't feel my face when I'm with you. 

I don't mean to suggest that I'm not good at social interactions but I'm not good at social interactions.  You human beings confuse me. 

Er, I mean, you, my fellow human beings, confuse me. Yeah, let's go with that.  

Anyway...where was I? Oh yeah. I'm frequently befuddled by small talk. Yes, small talk, the act of speaking without actually saying anything of importance. You know, like running for political office but with less shouting. 

I believe it was Ford Prefect in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams who pondered the human proclivity for small talk. Saying such useless things like "Some warm weather we're having" or "Another day, another dollar, huh?" or  "Yep, Wednesday. Hump day. All downhill from here."  Ford Prefect wondered if humans did this because if they didn't say something, their mouths would freeze. 

I pondered this subject a bit in a previous post (which you can find here) and one of the lessons I imparted at that time is not to make small talk actually interesting. When someone asks how are you, they really aren't looking for an answer. You can be standing there with a hatchet lodged firmly in your skull with blooding dripping down you face. If someone asks how you are, your answer is "fine" even as you grow woozy and faint from the blood loss. 

And definitely small talk time is not meant for any kind of spirited discussion. 

"Some weather we're having, huh?"
"Yeah! Real hot one day, brutally cold the next."
"Yep, some weather." 
"You know they say this is caused by climate change."
"Uh, yeah."
"Of course, that's just a liberal agenda!"
"The real truth is space aliens are manipulating the weather to weaken us so their space armada can come down to Earth and harvest us like cattle!"
"Obama doesn't want you to know that!"
"Er...yeah. Some...weather we're...having."

Recently on Twitter, a top trending hashtag was this one:

So I decided to share some of my ideas for cutting yourself free from having to engage in small talk. And here we go...
  1. Pretend to talk to someone on your cell phone. (Actually having something in your hand is optional.)
  2. Frequently turn abruptly to see what's behind you.
  4. Randomly bellow like Chewbacca.
  5. Ask someone if they've accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior.
  6. Spray yourself with deer urine. Or if you're really desperate to avoid small talk, use Axe Body Spray instead.
  7. Wear your "Make America Great Again" cap.
  8. When entering a room or elevator announce, "If anyone engages in small talk with me, I will kill them!" (subtle)
  9. Keep your head down and mutter "No, no, no, no" over and over.
  10. Get naked.

These are not only effective in shutting down any potential small talk but are also very handy in getting you that vacation you've always wanted with nice people in white coats who give you medication and help you with your basket weaving.

So that's all I've got for today. Just a short note that I can be found on Twitter here at  

I have another blog post coming tomorrow. Until then, remember to be good to one another.  

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