I don't mean to suggest that I'm not good at social interactions but I'm not good at social interactions. You human beings confuse me.
Er, I mean, you, my fellow human beings, confuse me. Yeah, let's go with that.
Anyway...where was I? Oh yeah. I'm frequently befuddled by small talk. Yes, small talk, the act of speaking without actually saying anything of importance. You know, like running for political office but with less shouting.
I believe it was Ford Prefect in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams who pondered the human proclivity for small talk. Saying such useless things like "Some warm weather we're having" or "Another day, another dollar, huh?" or "Yep, Wednesday. Hump day. All downhill from here." Ford Prefect wondered if humans did this because if they didn't say something, their mouths would freeze.
I pondered this subject a bit in a previous post (which you can find here) and one of the lessons I imparted at that time is not to make small talk actually interesting. When someone asks how are you, they really aren't looking for an answer. You can be standing there with a hatchet lodged firmly in your skull with blooding dripping down you face. If someone asks how you are, your answer is "fine" even as you grow woozy and faint from the blood loss.
And definitely small talk time is not meant for any kind of spirited discussion.
"Some weather we're having, huh?"
"Yeah! Real hot one day, brutally cold the next."
"Yep, some weather."
"You know they say this is caused by climate change."
"Of course, that's just a liberal agenda!"
"The real truth is space aliens are manipulating the weather to weaken us so their space armada can come down to Earth and harvest us like cattle!"
"Obama doesn't want you to know that!"
"Er...yeah. Some...weather we're...having."
Recently on Twitter, a top trending hashtag was this one:
So I decided to share some of my ideas for cutting yourself free from having to engage in small talk. And here we go...
#tricksforavoidingsmalltalk Pretend to talk to someone on your cell phone. (Actually having something in your hand is optional.) #tricksforavoidingsmalltalk Frequently turn abruptly to see what's behind you. #tricksforavoidingsmalltalk Proclaim very loudly "I LONG FOR THE SWEET RELEASE THAT ONLY DEATH CAN BRING!" #tricksforavoidingsmalltalk Randomly bellow like Chewbacca. #tricksforavoidingsmalltalk Ask someone if they've accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. #tricksforavoidingsmalltalk Spray yourself with deer urine. Or if you're really desperate to avoid small talk, use Axe Body Spray instead. #tricksforavoidingsmalltalk Wear your "Make America Great Again" cap. #tricksforavoidingsmalltalk When entering a room or elevator announce, "If anyone engages in small talk with me, I will kill them!" (subtle) #tricksforavoidingsmalltalk Keep your head down and mutter "No, no, no, no" over and over. #tricksforavoidingsmalltalk Get naked.