Friday, October 9, 2015

The Gang That Couldn't Lead Straight

Yesterday, Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) was going to be nominated as Speaker of the House of U. S. Representatives, to replace outgoing Speaker John Boehner (R-OH)He did have competition in the form of Jason Chaffetz  (R-UT) and Daniel Webster (R-FL). But to be honest, it was more like when your first grade class elected a class president. There's a kid who at 6 years old already acts like he's going to be governor or something one day. To make it look more like an actual race, the teacher gets a couple of other kids up there, one who won't stop picking his nose and another who looks everywhere but at you, like a nervous chicken.   

McCarthy made a big misstep last week when he directly linked the creation of the House inquiry into Benghazi to bringing down the poll numbers of presidential candidate Hillary Clinton (D-NY).  However, that wasn't a major problem since all the Republicans in the House were like, "Big deal! So you know we're gunning for Hillary! What're you gonna do about it?" Then they chuckled so hard, their monocles nearly fell off into their brandy snifters. 

So going into Thursday's nominations for Speaker, it looked like McCarthy pretty much had a lock on the position of Speaker when the full vote came up in the House on October 29th. And that's when Kevin McCarthy announced he was withdrawing his name and would not seek to be Speaker of the House. The rest of Republicans looked at Jason Chaffetz with his forefinger firmly lodged up his right nostril and Daniel Webster randomly looking at things and realized, "Holy shit! We better call off this vote!"  

Kevin McCarthy was all but considered a sure thing as Speaker. I'm sure a lot of GOP Congressmen had already crossed "Nominate McCarthy For Speaker" off of their to-do list, leaving them more time to roll around naked in piles of NRA cash while being sexually gratified by interns. But no, McCarthy spoils all that fun by quitting, saying it was because he didn't have the votes to win and did not want to divide the party.  The same party what was united in giving McCarthy the job and getting on to more important things like naked cash rolling intern sex. 

Now the usual reason a guy pulls out of something like this is because his dick has been found in places it shouldn't be. There are only 3 places a Republican politician's dick should be. 

  • Inside his pants. 
  • Inside his wife. Or 2nd wife. Or third wife. Or a mistress likely to advance to replacement wife. Or a whore. 
  • Pointing towards a urinal in the House men's room aiming a stream of pee at the little soap cakes shaped like Obama's head. (You know it's true. You just know it.)  

The idea that irresponsible dick management may have led to McCarthy's withdrawal was planted by an open letter from Rep. Walter Jones (R-NC...oh wonderful, my home state). In the letter, Jones says, "With all the voter distrust of Washington felt around the country, I am asking that any candidate for Speaker of the House, majority leader, and majority whip withdraw himself from the leadership election if there are any misdeeds he has committed since joining Congress that will embarrass himself, the Republican Conference and the House of Representatives if they become public."  

Translation: "Your dick better not be where it ain't supposed to be!" 

When asked about Jones' letter, McCarthy's response was, "No. No. Come on." There was no report that he dabbed the sweat off his forehead nervously with a handkerchief. 

The consequences of McCarthy's decision were swift and immediate. 

  • John Boehner cancelled a scheduled appearance on Thursday's Tonight Show. I know, we are all looking forward to Jimmy Fallon and John Boehner having fun with the Wheel of Impressions
  • Meanwhile, the House Republicans fell into cannibalism when Marsha Blackburn (R-TN) feasted on the still beating heart of Tom Cole (R-OK) while Trey Gowdy (R-SC), covered in blood and holding the severed head of Steve Scalise (R-LA), bellowed the war cry of "BENGHAZI!!!!!!" 

OK, no that last one didn't happen. May have come close, though. 

So far, nobody wants the damn job of Speaker of the House. It's the ultimate in political hot potato. For example, the GOP is pleading....I mean, PLEADING...with Paul Ryan (R-WI) to step up and be Speaker, please, please, pretty please? Ryan's response? 

"Kevin McCarthy is the best person to lead the House, and so I'm disappointed in this decision." 

Translation: "Kevin, get your ass back here and do this shit like we told you to!"

Ryan went on to add, "While I am grateful for the encouragement I've received, I will not be a candidate." 

Translation: "Oh fuck no!" 

So a lot of the House GOP is left pointing to each other saying, "No, you take it! No, I don't want it! You take it!" Others are left nervously clutching their stuffed elephants wondering why mommy hasn't picked them up to go home. 

Why is nominating a Speaker of the House become such a clusterfuck for the Republicans? Because being Speaker with the current Republican majority is to be the proverbial cat herder. They may all define themselves as "conservative" but that's not as unifying a theme as you think. The actions and goals of the extreme hard right of the party, the so-called Tea Party movement, are framed by a "No deals!" perspective. The idea of a Speaker of the House actually prepared to work with President Obama or Democrats on the other side of the aisle on any kind of deal is completely anathema to their whole reason for existing. This has made the House GOP very dysfunctional. No wonder John Boehner was singing happily to himself after he announced his resignation. Maybe Kevin McCarthy looked at the mess he was about to inherit and said, "Thanks but no thanks!". No one really wants to lead the House with the GOP in this condition. With the possible exception of that kid with his finger up his nose. 

One last thing on this topic and here's something I didn't know before: The Speaker of the House does not need to be an elected member of congress. If Republicans can't agree on one of their own, they could legally turn to someone on the outside. 

Yes, Donald Trump, Speaker of the House, could be a thing.

Y'all be good to one another, you hear? 


I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You

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