Après La Coloscopie

The title of today's post is "Après La Coloscopie".  

Which is my report after I had my colonoscopy on what that procedure was like for me.

I put the title in French to make the topic more enticing.

The journey to my appointment with the endocronologist on Friday, January 9th, began the week before.

Normally I take my weekly injection of my Tirzepatide (for A1C and weight loss) on Friday night.  Part of my instructions was to not take that shot within 7 days of the colonoscopy.   

When I took my first Tirzepatide shot back in March, it felt so weird. Now after several months of taking the shot every Friday, it felt weird NOT doing it.

Starting on January 4th, I had been instructed to cut out certain foods from my diet, especially corn and peanuts.  So I had to forego my favorite healthy snack, my trail mix of nuts and raisins.

I also had to take a drug called Lisness which is a kind of laxative.

On January 8th, the day before the procedure, I had to cut out all solid foods in the 24 hours before the procedure.  Since the colonoscopy was scheduled for 10 AM on Friday, my window for solid food ended at 10 AM Thursday.  My farewell to solid food was a sausage and egg McMuffin from McDonald's.

Hey, I like what I like and it was what I wanted. 

Starting at 10 AM, it was all green jello, lemon ice cups, apple juice and Sprite.

At 6 PM on Thursday is when the real fun began.

I had to drink a concoction called GoLytely.

OK, that's Audrey Hepburn as Holly Golightly from Breakfast At Tiffany's.

It is NOT the same thing.

GoLytely is a bitter, salty liquid that I had drink in 8 oz. amounts every 15 minutes for 2 hours. The purpose of this rancid concoction is to clear out my colon of everything.

Repeatedly.  

I passed the time working crossword puzzles and catching up on comic book reading. It was actually not  a bad way to while away the evening hours except for the frequent horror that was exploding from my posterior like a goddam Old Faithful of crap!

I was physically and mentally exhausted but there was no sleep to come that night.  

At 4 AM, I had to get up and finish consuming the GoLytely until the solution was finished and what was coming out of me was pale yellow or clear. 

Andrea drove me to the appointment for my 9 AM check in. God bless my wife for getting up to drive me to and from this appointment. I love her and appreciate her efforts to help me but...

Dear Lord, her driving frightens me! 

The moment I've been preparing for arrives as I am led inside the facility where the procedure will take place. 

I have to undress completely except for my socks. Then I put on one of those god awful hospital gowns that open in the back, lay on the bed and awaited my fate.

I tried to relax but all I could think about was how much I wanted to go to the bathroom even though I just went before I undressed and got on the table. I was told this was normal.

I was introduced to my anathesiologist.  I asked if I needed to call her Dr. Thesiologist or can I just call her Anna?

She said her name was Stacey.  

She either didn't get the joke or I was the 500th person to make the same joke that week alone.  

My bed was wheeled into the room where the procedure would take place. I was rolled over on my side like a sack of potatoes.

Drugs oozed through the IV into my arm and I have no idea when I went to sleep and no idea of the endoscope being inserted into my backside.  

I do know when I woke up. 

Just before the endoscope was removed from out of my backside. Yikes! I woke up too early. But it was all good. I was chill and copacetic, no pain, no discomfort.  

I hope the aliens got what they needed from my anal probing.

I for one welcome our anal probing alien overlords.  

Ooh boy! Here's photographic evidence of my colon!

Yikes!

I promise to never post that again on my blog.  

Eventually I gathered my wits about me which is an unusual occurrence for me as my wits are frequently ungathered on the best of days.  

I carefully got dressed again and joined my wife in a recovery room to await a report from my doctor.

They did find a single small polyp and removed it. As I write this, I am awaiting results of the biopsy.*

Andrea who is normally hyper paranoid about this sort of thing was remarkably level headed about this. I fully expected her to go to worst case scenario and cry,"OH MY GOD! YOU HAVE A TUMOR AND YOU'RE GONNA DIE!!!" 

Then Andea drove us home where I crashed hard into a coma-like nap for a few hours. 

And this is where I am après la coloscopie.

*AMENDED: Tuesday afternoon my doctor called with the news that the polyp was benign and not cancerous. 

And I will need to do this again in 7 years.

So I've got that to live for.