It's Too Damn Cold

 

It's too damn cold!

Chance are wherever you are in the United States, it's too damn cold!

It's cold here at the Fortress of Ineptitude

Here in the Greensboro environs, this is not a level of cold we're used to.

And it's just getting started.

Apparently the low temperature for Tuesday is going to be 5....

No, I am not forgetting a digit, it's just gonna be 5 degrees.

That's Farenheit because I'm an American, dammit and don't need no metric system.

As I write this on Saturday afternoon, we're staring down the barrel of a major winter weather system that's going to bring us.... stuff.

What kind of stuff?

Well, apparently I will know by the time this blog posts on Sunday.

Right now this stuff may include...

• Snow
• Ice
• Freezing rain
• Sleet 
• Glaze
• Frost
• Blizzard
• Hail
• Elsa from Frozen
• The damnation of God! 
• Cold shit

Even before it arrives, I've already been dealing with this winter storm for a whole damn week now.

My wife Andrea has been living in fear of this thing with daily frantic reports of wintry anxiety with updates on the types of winter precipitation, when exactly it will get here and just how cold it's gonna get.

Back in 1993, Andrea was still living with her parents when a major snow and ice storm blustered into Greensboro and knocked out power to her home for 3 days.

I know this story well because she tells it all the time whenever there is inclement weather. 

It doesn't even have to be WINTER inclement weather. 

Even in summer time when we're in the middle of a bad thunder storm that threatens to knock out our power....

"There was that time in the winter of 1993 when the ice storm knocked out our power for 3 days!"

Legend has it that the power could've been back on sooner but her dad bitched at the power company one time too many.

Life lesson: You do not cross Duke Energy. 

So Andrea has been sharing this tale of woe from 32 years ago all week and worrying herself into a tizzy of a doozy of a panic.

What if we get snowed in and can't get out? What will we do for food?

There's enough food in the house for several days. We're even fine for milk and bread.

But what if the power goes out?

Well, we'll just have to bundle up as best we can and go somewhere else where they do have power if we have to. 

But how will we go somewhere else? The roads will be icy. 

I guess I will have to drive VERY slowly and VERY carefully. 

But what about the food in the refrigerator if we lose power?

Since the temperature is dropping to 5 degrees, I will put stuff on the front porch where it will freeze!

But what about.......

(Sigh!) 

A side note to my son Dean in case we die either by freezing to death or a crazed murder/suicide, well, I guess the Fortress of Ineptitude is now yours.

And if you're hungry, help yourself to whatever frozen food you find on the front porch.

Frozen because it's too damn cold. 

And I am so glad my suffering amuses you.