Heads up, Riders of the Web! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You.
It's FRIDAY and you know what THAT means?
It means it's the weekend and you realize the best days of the week were at work because outside of work, you have no friggin' clue what to do with your life.
Sigh.
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OK, anyone else bummed out?
Let's try this again!
It's FRIDAY and you know what THAT means?
It's time for BROKEN NEWS, your weekly serving of
*But not the actual news stories because I'm too shallow to invest that kind of time to do all that reading.
BROKEN NEWS starts in
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#BrokenNews “Iranians Head To The Polls To Choose Ahmadinejad Successor” Iran fucks with journalists, picks guy with even longer last name
#BrokenNews “Rupert Murdoch Files For Divorce” His current wife is young enough to be his granddaughter; yep, time for a younger model
#BrokenNews “NSA Revelations Only 'The Tip Of The Iceberg'” NSA also spying on polar bears.
#BrokenNews “Court Makes Big Ruling On DNA” DNA is now a controlled substance & you can go to jail if you possess any!
#BrokenNews “MSNBC Host Apologizes For Error” The error is he’s still on MSNBC. “Seriously, I thought I was getting a job at Starbucks.”
Meanwhile, Fox News hosts hurriedly scan thru Google to learn what an “error” is.
#BrokenNews “Protesters Arrested Outside Boehner's Office” If that didn’t work, Boehner has his office ringed with cauldrons of boiling oil.”
#BrokenNews “Obama Administration Quietly Approves Big Carbon Change” Joe Biden thinks this means he can get a new supply of carbon paper
#BrokenNews “Scientist Discovers New Structure Inside Human Body” I bet it’s a McDonald’s; those damn arches are everywhere!
#BrokenNews “American Airlines May Make Travel Even Worse” American Airlines new slogan: “Discover the Joys of Staying Right Where You Are”
Another American Airline slogan: “If You’re In Such a Big Hurry To Get Somewhere, Don’t Be So Damn Picky”
#BrokenNews “Melissa McCarthy Responds To Being Called 'Tractor-Sized'” Melissa runs over the jackass with a tractor? Oh, that would be sweet irony!
#BrokenNews “Holder: NSA Leaker Will Be Punished” It’s going to be really cruel: locked in a room with Ann Coulter. In heat.
- Oh, look! Here’s comes another Ann Coulter joke!
#BrokenNews “House Votes To Keep Gitmo Open” Business has been booming with Gitmo’s “Book 6 Nights, Stay 10 Years Free” Special
And now… #BrokenNews presents:
What the Hell Is Amanda Bynes Up To This Week?
#BrokenNews “Amanda Bynes Offered Rap Deal With Chinga Chang Records” She gets paid by Chinga Chang in chimichangas so Amanda thinks it’s a good deal!
#BrokenNews “Commander Of Nazi Unit Found Living In U.S.” Glenn Beck just had an orgasm. ("Nazis! In the USA! Oh! Oh! Oooooh!")Meanwhile, the recently discovered Nazi commander was heard to say, “OK, the swastika outside the house? Not my best idea.”
#BrokenNews “Bill O'Reilly Goes After Chris Matthews” Big mistake, Bill, letting Chris use the bathroom first. Pee-yew!
#BrokenNews “Bachmann Clashes With Bush” Bachmann was all in Earth tones while Jeb Bush was inexplicably wearing pastels.
#BrokenNews “Obama To Give Major Speech Amid Spying Backlash” The NSA busts open a big celebrity sex scandal. Goodbye backlash!
#BrokenNews “Women flying high as they mark 50 years in space” Ultimate goal: combine zero gravity with furniture rearranging.
#BrokenNews “Keith Richards: Drug 'experiment' had to end” You know, before it left him wrinkly, worn out & incoherent.
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And that's that for this week's Broken News. Other news organizations break the news; at Broken News, we smash it with a hammer.
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And follow Dave-El On Twitter at https://twitter.com/DayWayLo, brought to you by NSA & Sons, Your Family Owned Spy Agency! Remember: Good Old Fashion American Spying Never Goes Out of Style!
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