Hello, everyone!
Dave-El here at I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that doesn't know the meaning of the word "Honorificabilitudinitatibus".
Well, it's Friday and that means I torture the internet with funny* and insightful** commentary on news headlines through the week called Broken News!
*No, not really.
**See above
Broken News: when news is breaking, we make sure it stays broken.
But first a word from our sponsor, the makers of...FOOD!
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A warm thank you to our sponsor, FOOD!
NOTE: some of these headlines have been posted on Twitter but there are some new, never before seen travesties again God and all humanity jokes!
Let's get this party started!
#BrokenNews “10 Things You Need
To Know About Female Sexuality” Chances it will be the same 10 things next week? Not good.
#BrokenNews “Supreme Court Makes Major Ruling On DNA Samples” Justices also ruled that the free
samples at Costco are wicked awesome.
#BrokenNews “GOP Senator Blames Military Sexual
Assaults On 'Hormones'”
You know guys & their raping hormones..er, I mean raging
#BrokenNews “McCain: Women shouldn't enlist
until sex assault crisis solved” Adding, “It
might be best just to stay home & while you’re there, make me a sandwich.”
#BrokenNews “Obama To GOP: I DARE You To Block Judges” Things get out of hand when Obama double
dog dares John Boehner to stick his tongue to Paul Ryan.
#BrokenNews “Kim
Kardashian reveals sex of baby on show”
Revealing the sex that made the baby will
be posted online later.
#BrokenNews “Beyonce baffled by baby talk” Goo yoo ga ga goo goo da da boo bah...yeah,
Beyonce, I have no idea what that means, either.
#BrokenNews “Keith Olbermann Returning To Cable TV” Keith to host a news segment during Nick Jr’s Yo
Gabba Gabba!
#BrokenNews “Amanda Bynes Gets
Offer From Playboy” 75%
off the cover price with her paid subscription. Plus a Bunny tote bag.
#BrokenNews “Winner of $590 million Powerball steps forward” I promised to love you always, er (Psst! Gloria McKenzie) Gloria McKenzie
#BrokenNews “CIA: IF WE KILL YOU, YOU DESERVED IT” So if you’re a terrorist with low self-esteem,
good news!
#BrokenNews “Al Gore: NSA Phone Records Collecting
'Obscenely Outrageous'”
Al didn’t invent the telephone for this kind of shit to go on
#BrokenNews
"Israeli Judge: 'Some Girls Enjoy
Being Raped'" And some guys enjoy
having their dick cut off. What's your point, Judge Jackass?
#BrokenNews "GOP Politician: Yoga May Leave You
Vulnerable To Satanic Possession" Oh
good, we found Michelle Bachmann's replacement.
#BrokenNews "Turkish PM To Return To Country
Amid Protests" Protests such as
"I’m the Prime Minister! I don’t wanna go back to Turkey!”
#BrokenNews "People Who Have This Type
Of Sex May Be Healthier" Meaning
"actual sex", not whatever it is you're doing right now.
#BrokenNews “Russia's Putin and his wife say their marriage is
over” Mrs.
Putin said the split is “amicable” from her prison in Siberia.
21. #BrokenNews “Justin Bieber signs up for trip to space” Later, after launch, a horrified Beebs learns his ticket is one way.
22. #BrokenNews “Obama defends surveillance programs:
‘Nobody is listening to your telephone calls'” Adding, “Most
of you don’t have lives that are all that interesting.”
23. #BrokenNews “Toyota unveils new version of best-seller
Corolla” Unless it flies
and has rocket launchers, I can’t help but be disappointed.
24. #BrokenNews “Senate Republicans Not Sure Whether To Obstruct Obama's
Judge Picks” McCain said, “Yeah, it’s kind of our thing but
it’s just not fun anymore.”
And THAT is THAT! Thanks again to our sponsor, FOOD!Remember, if you're hungry and you have money, buy FOOD!
_______________________________Don't forget: Dave-El is also on Twitter at https://twitter.com/DayWayLo
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