Saturday, June 8, 2013

Broken News for June 7, 2013

 
 
Hello, everyone!
 
Dave-El here at I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that doesn't know the meaning of the word "Honorificabilitudinitatibus".

Well, it's Friday and that means I torture the internet with funny* and insightful** commentary on news headlines through the week called Broken News!

*No, not really.
**See above
 
Broken News: when news is breaking, we make sure it stays broken.

But first a word from our sponsor, the makers of...FOOD!
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A warm thank you to our sponsor, FOOD!
 
 
NOTE: some of these headlines have been posted on Twitter but there are some new, never before seen travesties again God and all humanity jokes!
 
 
Let's get this party started!



#BrokenNews 10 Things You Need To Know About Female Sexuality” Chances it will be the same 10 things next week? Not good. 
 

#BrokenNews Supreme Court Makes Major Ruling On DNA Samples” Justices also ruled that the free samples at Costco are wicked awesome.    
 

#BrokenNews GOP Senator Blames Military Sexual Assaults On 'Hormones'” You know guys & their raping hormones..er, I mean raging
 

#BrokenNews McCain: Women shouldn't enlist until sex assault crisis solvedAdding, “It might be best just to stay home & while you’re there, make me a sandwich.”

#BrokenNews Obama To GOP: I DARE You To Block Judges” Things get out of hand when Obama double dog dares John Boehner to stick his tongue to Paul Ryan.  
 

#BrokenNews Google Glass Says No To Porn” Hell, what else were we going to use it for? 
 
 
#BrokenNews Man molests, urinates on woman in ER, police sayAnd they say romance is dead!
 

#BrokenNews Kim Kardashian reveals sex of baby on showRevealing the sex that made the baby will be posted online later.   
  

#BrokenNews Beyonce baffled by baby talkGoo yoo ga ga goo goo da da boo bah...yeah, Beyonce, I have no idea what that means, either.

#BrokenNews Keith Olbermann Returning To Cable TV” Keith to host a news segment during Nick Jr’s Yo Gabba Gabba!


 

#BrokenNewsAmanda Bynes Gets Offer From Playboy” 75% off the cover price with her paid subscription. Plus a Bunny tote bag. 


#BrokenNews Winner of $590 million Powerball steps forwardI promised to love you always, er (Psst! Gloria McKenzie) Gloria McKenzie
 

#BrokenNews CIA: IF WE KILL YOU, YOU DESERVED IT” So if you’re a terrorist with low self-esteem, good news!
 

#BrokenNews “Al Gore: NSA Phone Records Collecting 'Obscenely Outrageous'” Al didn’t invent the telephone for this kind of shit to go on  
 

#BrokenNews "Israeli Judge: 'Some Girls Enjoy Being Raped'" And some guys enjoy having their dick cut off. What's your point, Judge Jackass?  
   

#BrokenNews "GOP Politician: Yoga May Leave You Vulnerable To Satanic Possession" Oh good, we found Michelle Bachmann's replacement. 
 

#BrokenNews "Turkish PM To Return To Country Amid Protests" Protests such as "I’m the Prime Minister! I don’t wanna go back to Turkey!”
 

#BrokenNews "People Who Have This Type Of Sex May Be Healthier" Meaning "actual sex", not whatever it is you're doing right now.    
 

#BrokenNews "Severed Human Leg Washes Up On Beach" Oh, I was wondering where that got to.   
  

#BrokenNews Russia's Putin and his wife say their marriage is overMrs. Putin said the split is “amicable” from her prison in Siberia.     
 

 
 


21.  #BrokenNews “Justin Bieber signs up for trip to spaceLater, after launch, a horrified Beebs learns his ticket is one way. 

22.  #BrokenNews Obama defends surveillance programs: ‘Nobody is listening to your telephone calls'Adding, “Most of you don’t have lives that are all that interesting.”

23.  #BrokenNews Toyota unveils new version of best-seller CorollaUnless it flies and has rocket launchers, I can’t help but be disappointed.

24.  #BrokenNews Senate Republicans Not Sure Whether To Obstruct Obama's Judge Picks” McCain said, “Yeah, it’s kind of our thing but it’s just not fun anymore.”
 
 
And THAT is THAT! Thanks again to our sponsor, FOOD!Remember, if you're hungry and you have money, buy FOOD!
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Don't forget: Dave-El is also on Twitter at https://twitter.com/DayWayLo

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