Hello, ladies and gents! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that is now 87% free of scurvy.
I'm Dave-El and thank's for stopping by this Friday. As is my want, this is when I post bROkEN nEWs, my weekly foray into an allegedly humorous look at somewhat recent news headlines and other random stuff that pops into my head, rolls around and pops back out again.
bROkEN nEWs gets started in 5...
#BrokenNews "Ukraine Crisis Hitting Russia Where It Hurts" In the balls?
#BrokenNews "There Was An Israeli Spy In Al Gore's Bathroom" The spy was discovered when Al realized the lotion dispenser was not circumcised.
#BrokenNews "Report Details Wild, Vulgar Night On The Town For Rob Ford" Just cut 'n' paste the same report for the other six nights of the week.
#BrokenNews "Feminist Scholar Calls Beyoncé A 'Terrorist'" Meanwhile, an Al Quaida leader announces some curious changes to the dress code.
Maybe Jay Z's thinking people are looking at the wrong sister as we see here:
#BrokenNews "Video Of Solange Allegedly Attacking Jay Z After Met Gala Surfaces" Poor Jay Z was completely caught off guard. All he could say while he was being attacked was "Unh! Unh! Unh! Unh!"
Although, to be fair, that what he always says.
#BrokenNews "First Gay Marriage License Issued In Dixie State" Oddly enough, the wedding is going to have a "Duck Dynasty" theme.
You know, it seems to have been a particularly active week for gay themed news so let's do a special edition of Broken News In Pictures!
#BrokenNews "Rand Paul Threatens To Hold Up Fed Nominees" That's right, play to your strengths, bro! Play to your strengths.
#BrokenNews"GOP's Benghazi Chair Revealed A Concerning Opinion" He worried there may not be enough Benghazi in his Benghazi.
#BrokenNews "Texas As Good At Executions 'As Iran'" Only AS good as Iran? Damn, Texas! You gotta step up your game!
#BrokenNews "Karl Rove Says Hillary Clinton May Have Brain Damage" Karl Rove is just jealous because his dick is smaller than hers.
#BrokenNews "Harry Reid: 'I Can't Vote For' Key Obama Nominee" Well, he can't let the Republicans have ALL the fun, now can he?
#BrokenNews "Rubio Desperately Attempts To Link Climate Change To... Abortion" What, was Benghazi busy or something?
#BrokenNews "Celebs Are Trying Really Hard To Get Into Your Pantries" What? NO! Celebrities have NO business in my panties! I mean, why would celebrities want to be in my panties?! That makes no...
Pantries? It reads "pantries". OK. That makes sense. Never mind.
Er, I don't wear panties.
Hey, speaking of "celebs getting into panties", let's have one more look at bROkEN nEWs iN pICtUreS which has TWO Bill Clinton gags!
And let's end with this headline...
#BrokenNews "The Pentagon Is Ready for Zombie Apocalypse" So when Fox News viewers rise up in revolt, the Army will be ready for 'em.
And that is that for this week's bROkEN nEWs.
As always, if you have an concerns or problems expressed in today's bROkEN nEWs, please bring those to the attention of our complaint department.
Yeah, we didn't think so.
Everyone, be good to one another!
In two days: Doctor Who Weekend