Broken News for Friday, May 23, 2014
A-hoy there, mateys! The tides of the internet have brought you ashore to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You. I'm Dave-El and my life, my love and my lady is the sea.
So it's Friday (YAY! FRIDAY!) and that means it's time for a new edition of bROkEN nEWs! (YAY! BROKEN...wait! What?).
Before we get started, let me remind you that the views expressed in bROkEN nEWs! do not reflect any thoughtful or serious consideration on my part and should not be duplicated without signed permission from a trained psychiatric professional.
So let's get this show on the road in 5...
#BrokenNews "Tennessee Gov. Signs Bill To Allow Electric Chair" And if THAT doesn't work, don't forget stoning is still an option.
#BrokenNews "Vegas and Cincinnati Withdraw From RNC Hosting " Turns out Las Vegas has standards. Really, who knew?
Meanwhile, Cincinnati realized it has a...thing, yeah, a thing, like totally forgot about it so Cincinnati won't be home to host the Republicans. Sorry.
#BrokenNews "Karl Rove Digs In Deeper " Some old chewing gum, spare change...c'mon, he's sure his soul is down there somewhere, right?
#BrokenNews "Top Aide: Obama 'Madder Than Hell' Over Veterans Affairs Allegations" Obama: "The President should do something about this! Oh shit, that's still me, isn't it?"
#BrokenNews "Romney Comes To Obama's Defense" "Hello, maintenance? Yeah, Satan here! What the fuck's going on with all this ice down here?"
#BrokenNews "Pat Sajak slams climate change advocates " C'mon, Pat, the polar ice caps AND Vanna's plastic surgery are melting! MELTING!
#BrokenNews "NY Times Publisher Praises Ousted Editor's Press Advocacy" He also added, "And hey, wasn't she a great sport for working for less money than a man, huh? Wait! What? Uh oh."
WITH MITCH MCCONNELL
And this has been....
WITH MITCH MCCONNELL
Now back to the headlines!
#BrokenNews "There May Be Fungus In Our Coffee!" There may be coffee in our fungus! What about that? Doesn't a man deserve to have some coffee free fungus once in a while?
#BrokenNews "Pantsless At Waffle House" If you're not wearing pants at Waffle House, where are you supposed to keep your guns? (Don't answer that!)
#BrokenNews "Bacon Better Than Sex?" Yes.
#BrokenNews "Dick Cheney: Obama Is 'Weak'" Dick's just pissed caused he's not getting any bacon.
Now it's time for a...
bROkEN nEWs eXpOsE!
#BrokenNews "The NSA Is Recording Almost Every Cell Phone Call In The Bahamas" There are a remarkably large number of calls involving daiquiris.
#BrokenNews "Thai coup could hurt tourism" Shit! If you can't go to Thailand, where can we go to fuck whores?! Oh right: everywhere.
#BrokenNews "NSA Admits To 'Blurring The Lines' Between Terrorism And Drugs" Resolves to contact Blurred Lines expert Robin Thicke for a consultation.*
*Like, that punchline's so last summer, y'know!
And that's that for this week's bROkEN nEWs! Check back here in two days for Doctor Who Weekend and back here next week for more bROkEN nEWs!
Meanwhile, y'all be good to one another, 'kay? And be good to yourself too, while you're at it. You are a worthwhile individual and...you know, if you need a boost to your self esteem, try this: