Broken News For Friday, May 30th, 2014

Hello, everyone! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog with a heart.

Which is kind of gross as I have no idea what that heart is doing here, just lying around like that.

Dave-El here and it's FRIDAY which means its time for bROkEN nEWs, also known as I'm So Glad Your Suffering Amuses Me. 

If you don't know just what bROkEN nEWs is, that's OK; I don't quite understand it myself. 

But whatever it is, it's time to get it started in here in 5...

4...

3...

2...

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#BrokenNews  "Ex-Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer To Buy Clippers For $2B" Man, I was out bid by $1,999,999,995.37. Damn, I was so close!


#BrokenNews "GOP Candidate's Pro-Gun Robocall Went Out Day After Mass Shooting" Well, timing is everything.  


#BrokenNews "GOP Lawmaker: Gay Rep. Should Have Stayed In The Closet" Along with women in the kitchen, black people at the back of the bus and American Indians on the reservation. You know, just to keep everything organized.





#BrokenNews "7 States Running Out Of Water" But all have a surplus of bullshit so they've got that going for them.




#BrokenNews "White House Blows CIA Official's Cover" And this leads me to a new feature here on bROkEN nEWs...

Point/Counter Shut the Fuck Up! Point

Today's debate is between bROkEN nEWs and Fox News. 




Fox News:  This is an egregious action that threatens our national security, the like of which has never ever happened before in American history.

bROkEN nEWs:  Wait, what about that time when Scooter Libby was working for the Bush Administration....

Fox News: Nope, has never happened before.

bROkEN nEWs: Yeah, it has. Libby was accused of leaking Susan Plame's status as a CIA operative to...

Fox News: Never. Happened. Before.

bROkEN nEWs: Plame's CIA status was revealed to the New York Times and...

Fox News: La Dee Dah Dee Dah Dee Dee, not listening!

bROkEN nEWs: But...

Fox News: Nyah! Nyah! Nyah! Nyah! NOT LISTENING!

And this has been bROkEN nEWs new feature...

Point/Counter Shut the Fuck Up! Point

And now back to the headlines!


#BrokenNews "Europe's New Google Rule Has Many Americans Angry And Confused" Well, to tell the truth, "angry and confused" is pretty much America's default setting.


#BrokenNews "French Far Right Stuns In European Election" I'm trying to imagine a far right French movement. Self righteous indignation paired with snobby elitism. What's not to love?


#BrokenNews "Fox News Contributor Blames Isla Vista CA Shooting On 'Homosexual Impulses'"  'Homosexual impulses'? Look, the sick bastard shot people, he didn't insult them with snarky comments on their poor fashion choices. 

#BrokenNews "Cop Allegedly Caught Masturbating In Starbucks" Dude, there are better ways to get extra cream for your double latte.



#BrokenNews "Pope's Powerful Prayer At The Separation Wall" Something about having to pee really bad.


#BrokenNews "Obama Makes It Easier Than Ever For Congress To Act On Immigration "  With NO money down and ZERO percent interest!



#BrokenNews "Cliven Bundy Leaves The Republican Party" Which is the very definition of a "win-win" scenario. 


#BrokenNews "Supreme Court: Florida Law Violates 'Nation's Commitment To Dignity'" I want to hear more about this 'commitment to dignity' thing after I finish these chili cheese fries while watching Real Housewives of New Jersey in my underwear.

Hey, speaking of dignity, it's time for another installment of...

AWKWARD MOMENTS

WITH 

MITCH MCCONNELL 

And this has been...

AWKWARD MOMENTS

WITH 

MITCH MCCONNELL 

And now back to the headlines!

#BrokenNews “Kerry: U.S. Will Start $5 Billion Anti-Terrorist Fund” Hey, John Kerry! I promise to not become a terrorist. Can I have some of that money now?

 

#BrokenNews“Deep Divide Splits Congressional Faction” The gulf between “little bit country” and “little bit rock ‘n’ roll” is wider than ever.

Uh oh! This looks like a job for the...

 

Department of Punchline Explanations:

1970’s Division  

Donny and Marie Osmond were brother and sister Mormons who sang love songs to each other and it was not at all creepy. Anyway, they had their own TV show and the opening theme had Marie proclaiming to be a “little bit country” (maybe) and Donny declaring himself to be a “little bit rock ‘n’ roll” (uh…no).

And the headlines roll on!

 

#BrokenNews “The Real Reason Snowden's In Russia” Travelocity sucks!

 

#BrokenNews “Why You Never See Ronald McDonald Eating McDonald's Food” Ronald replies, “Are you crazy?! Do you know what goes in that shit?!”

#BrokenNews “Joe The Plumber: 'Your Dead Kids Don't Trump My Constitutional Rights'”

Oh, man!  A comment this completely brain dead needs more than just one snarky comment. No, this requires a whole bunch of...

  

And away we go! 

• As a plumber, Joe knows a thing or two about being full of shit.
• Joe’s brain has sprung a leak.
• Joe’s mouth is like a broken toilet: it won’t stop running.
• Joe comes with hot and cold running stupidity.
• Joe proves there is something worse than raw sewage. 
• Joe's IQ comes in 2nd to a shower drain hair clog.
• The drip has lost his grip. 
• Joe's buttcrack shows even when his pants ain't sliding down.  
• Dead kids don't trump Joe's talent for being an asshole. 

 And this has been...

 

Preferred by 4 our of 5 dentists for their patients who chew snarks.

#BrokenNews "Woman Angered by Chicago's Potholes Plans to Fill Them Herself" She's got a dozen tuna casseroles that are just going to go waste so....


#BrokenNews "Obama 'Extremely Troubled' By VA Report " Apparently he found some spelling errors and some misuses of commas. 

Meanwhile, Fox News still looking at connecting the VA scandal to Benghazi. C'mon, Fox! You can do it!  

#BrokenNews “Pentagon Chief Orders Review Of Military's Health Care” He expects to get that report back, oh, any year now.

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And that brings to a close this week's edition of bROkEN nEWs! I suspect you have suffered enough.

And remember, the opinions and concerns of my readers are very important to me. So if there was any part of today's bROkEN nEWs that caused any offense, please bring it to the attention of our complaint department.

There. Don't you feel better?

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In two days: Doctor Who Weekend! 

Until then, be good to one another.