Hi there! I'm Dave-El and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, now enhanced with lemon-scented Benghazi!
Today is Friday and that means a new installment of bROkEN nEWs, your source for news satire that is...
presented every Friday.
Lately I have a new competitor in this whole "News As Humor" motif. John Oliver, formerly of The Daily Show With Jon Stewart on Comedy Central, is now hosting his own show on HBO, Last Week Tonight. John Oliver is at a distinct disadvantage against bROkEN nEWs as he is just getting his endeavor off the ground while I've been grinding away at headline mockery for over a year.
However, John has a chance to overcome that significant disadvantage by having a writing staff, a budget, a major cable network and being fucking John Oliver. Whoops! That sounded bitter. No, God bless John Oliver and all the success that I'm sure will come his way, the little British prick!
Meanwhile I'm quite happy with plying away in virtual obscurity on a blog as I, with NO budget and NO writing staff, figure out all by myself how to turn "Nazi Death Train" into a punchline.
Maybe I should get this show on the road, eh?
bROkEN nEWs is UP!
#BrokenNews “Overwhelming Number Of Americans Have Lost Faith In Supreme Court” But our belief in a stuffed crust pepperoni supreme pizza is as strong as ever!
#BrokenNews “PUTIN PULLS OUT? White House: 'No Evidence' Of Withdrawal... Pentagon: 'We Would Know'” When someone's fucking you up the ass for several months, you’d think you would notice when it stopped.
#BrokenNews “Taylor Swift And Selena Gomez Dance At Met Gala, End Feud Rumors” And begin “lesbian relationship” rumors (which are far more interesting.)
Hey, hey, hey! Rob Ford, m'man!
#BrokenNews “No, Canada: Toronto Mayor Turned Away at U.S. Border” Shit, we’re still stuck with Justin Bieber, so no go on Rob Ford. (Maybe we can do a trade?)
#BrokenNews “Rob Ford: Rehab 'Reminds Me Of Football Camp'” Where Rob misunderstood the lesson of what exactly is a ‘wide receiver’.
#BrokenNews “Moscow Mocks U.S. 'Bad Knowledge of Geography' “ Should we say something about Russia’s calenders being about 100 years out of date?
It's time for....
bROkEN nEWs tHaT cOuNtS!
And here is....The COUNT!
|"Hello, children! I am...The COUNT! |
Today we have a small but important list! It's about having no sex in marriage.
Oh, that's an odd topic. I mean, Mrs. Count and I, we're not as young as we used to be but we still find time to get a bit....
and I'm saying too much, aren't I?
Well, here are FOUR...1, 2, 3, 4..FOUR ways to find joy in a sexless marriage.
- More time for porn!
- More time to reorganize your comic book collection.
- More time to work on your weekly bROkEN nEWs blog.
- More time for more porn!
#BrokenNews "JET Shuts Down Print Magazine" Damn! And just when Donald Sterling and Cliven Bundy renewed their subscriptions!
#BrokenNews "GOP Benghazi Probe's New Questions Have Already Been Answered" Yes but NOT answered in the form of a question so there!
#BrokenNews "Neil Patrick Harris Poses Nude For Rolling Stone" Despite Rolling Stone asking him not to.
And that's a wrap on this week's bROkEN nEWs. I hope....uh oh, these guys again.
Yeah, I went there. Even though there was not much of a "there" there.
I will remind you that John Oliver has a budget AND a staff AND probably for all I know an intern who will give him "oral reports".
Meanwhile, I will also remind you that if any part of today's bROkEN nEWs caused you any offense or discomfort, please bring these to the attention of our complaint department.
I'm sorry, what were you saying?
Until next time, be good to one another.
Tomorrow: This (Non) Sporting Life
In two days: Doctor Who Weekend