Broken News For Friday, May 9th, 2014

Hi there! I'm Dave-El and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, now enhanced with lemon-scented Benghazi!  


Today is Friday and that means a new installment of bROkEN nEWs, your source for news satire that is... 
wickedly amusing 
delightfully insightful 
presented every Friday. 


Lately I have a new competitor in this whole "News As Humor" motif. John Oliver, formerly of The Daily Show With Jon Stewart on Comedy Central, is now hosting his own show on HBO, Last Week Tonight. John Oliver is at a distinct disadvantage against bROkEN nEWs as he is just getting his endeavor off the ground while I've been grinding away at headline mockery for over a year. 


However, John has a chance to overcome that significant disadvantage by having a writing staff, a budget, a major cable network and being fucking John Oliver.  Whoops! That sounded bitter. No, God bless John Oliver and all the success that I'm sure will come his way, the little British prick! 

Er, sorry. 

Meanwhile I'm quite happy with plying away in virtual obscurity on a blog as I, with NO budget and NO writing staff, figure out all by myself how to turn "Nazi Death Train" into a punchline. 

Maybe I should get this show on the road, eh?

bROkEN nEWs is UP! 

In 5...

4...

3...

2...

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#BrokenNews “Overwhelming Number Of Americans Have Lost Faith In Supreme Court” But our belief in a stuffed crust pepperoni supreme pizza is as strong as ever!

#BrokenNews “Shameful Racism In U.S. Companies Exposed” As opposed to that racism we’re not ashamed of.

#BrokenNews “PUTIN PULLS OUT? White House: 'No Evidence' Of Withdrawal... Pentagon: 'We Would Know'” When someone's fucking you up the ass for several months, you’d think you would notice when it stopped.  

#BrokenNews “Why Every Couple Should Consider A Period Of Celibacy” And how many years is this "period of celibacy" supposed to be? You know, hypothetically speaking. 

#BrokenNews “MSNBC Celebrates Cinco De Mayo In Worst Possible Way” But it’s OK because hell, it was MSNBC: nobody saw it.

#BrokenNews “MSNBC Host Apologizes For Offensive Cinco De Mayo Segment” Nobody saw that either. 

#BrokenNews “It's Already Too Late To Stop Climate Change” GOP unfurls a “Mission Accomplished” banner.

#BrokenNews “Taylor Swift And Selena Gomez Dance At Met Gala, End Feud Rumors” And begin “lesbian relationship” rumors (which are far more interesting.)

 

#BrokenNews “Lewinsky Breaks Silence: 'Time to Burn the Beret'” With a lit cigar, obviously.

For those who don't get that reference, I turn things over to...

The Department of 

Punchline Explanations

1990's Division

OK, back in the 1990's, Bill Clinton, President of the United States of America, leader of the freakin' free world with charisma just oozing out of his pores and his choice of any number of women who weren't his wife, decided to diddle with an intern. Specifically, Monica Lewinsky. 

Now Monica (who had a fondness for wearing a beret, the kind you find in a 2nd hand store) wasn't ugly (not "ugly ugly") but she was certainly not what one would expect a President to risk his legacy on. In fact, a lot of the women Bill was accused of having extra-marital dalliances with were not always that particularly attractive. It's like he had a deal with Hillary: "Honey, I promise to not screw other women unless they are uglier than you." Which is kind of mean feat to pull off but still...

It appears Monica's job as an intern was to give the President (ahem!) "oral reports" (snicker!). One time, Bill reportedly repaid the favor by sticking a cigar in Monica's wakka-wakka which is WAY more than I expected talking about this so that explains the whole "burning a beret with a cigar" thing and shit, let's just go do the picture thing we do.

Hey, hey, hey! Rob Ford, m'man!

#BrokenNews “No, Canada: Toronto Mayor Turned Away at U.S. Border” Shit, we’re still stuck with Justin Bieber, so no go on Rob Ford. (Maybe we can do a trade?)

#BrokenNews “Rob Ford: Rehab 'Reminds Me Of Football Camp'” Where Rob misunderstood the lesson of what exactly is a ‘wide receiver’.

#BrokenNews "North Korea State Media: Obama Is A 'Wicked Black Monkey'" Fox News looks on in barely repressed jealousy.

#BrokenNews “Hillary Clinton Reveals Her 'G-Rated' Guilty Pleasure” Bill wants to share his “R” rated not so guilty pleasure but geez, Bill, we know already. We know!

#BrokenNews “Moscow Mocks U.S. 'Bad Knowledge of Geography' “ Should we say something about Russia’s calenders being about 100 years out of date? 

And now...

AWKWARD MOMENTS 

with MITCH MCCONNELL 

And this has been...

AWKWARD MOMENTS 

with MITCH MCCONNELL 

Ooh, more pictures! 

Part of the next joke relies on Rush Limbaugh being fat and to be honest, I'm not sure he still is. Well, other than his head. Wasn't there something about him being on meth or some shit and losing weight? Oh, who cares? Just roll with it, son. 

#BrokenNews “Antarctic Ice Shelf On Brink Of Unstoppable Melt” Rush Limbaugh was all excited about this until he found out it has nothing to do with a patty melt.

#BrokenNews “GOP Lawmaker Compares Obamacare To Nazi Death Trains” He showed restraint by not using the term “Super Duper Nazi Death Trains”. 

#BrokenNews“Judge Thinks The First Amendment Only Protects Christians” If this judge drills this down to white male land owning Christians, then it’ll be perfect.

#BrokenNews “Rep Urges Officials To Rid Town Of Cliven Bundy Backers” Apparently they're not paying for their Whoppers because they don't acknowledge the authority of Burger King. 

#BrokenNews "EPA Employee Downloaded 7,000 Files Of Porn At Work" Which seems a bit excessive to me. Personally, 6,000 files of porn at work is sufficient for me. 

Hey, kids! Do you know what time it is?

It's time for....

bROkEN nEWs tHaT cOuNtS!

And here is....The COUNT!

"Hello, children! I am...The COUNT! 
BLAH! 
Today we have a small but important list! It's about having no sex in marriage. 
Oh, that's an odd topic. I mean, Mrs. Count and I, we're not as young as we used to be but we still find time to get a bit....
and I'm saying too much, aren't I? 
Well, here are FOUR...1, 2, 3, 4..FOUR ways to find joy in a sexless marriage.
BLAH!" 

4 Ways To Find Joy In A Sexless Marriage

1. More time for porn! 
2. More time to reorganize your comic book collection.
3. More time to work on your weekly bROkEN nEWs blog.
4. More time for more porn! 

#BrokenNews "JET Shuts Down Print Magazine" Damn! And just when Donald Sterling and Cliven Bundy renewed their subscriptions!


#BrokenNews "GOP Benghazi Probe's New Questions Have Already Been Answered" Yes but NOT answered in the form of a question so there!


#BrokenNews "Neil Patrick Harris Poses Nude For Rolling Stone" Despite Rolling Stone asking him not to.

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And that's a wrap on this week's bROkEN nEWs. I hope....uh oh, these guys again. 

Yeah, I went there. Even though there was not much of a "there" there. 


I will remind you that John Oliver has a budget AND a staff AND probably for all I know an intern who will give him "oral reports". 


Meanwhile, I will also remind you that if any part of today's bROkEN nEWs caused you any offense or discomfort, please bring these to the attention of our complaint department.

I'm sorry, what were you saying?

Until next time, be good to one another.

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Tomorrow: This (Non) Sporting Life
In two days: Doctor Who Weekend