Dorothy Parker

Tomorrow will be anniversary of the birthday of Dorothy Parker who was born on August 22, 1893. 

You may wonder why I didn't just say "Tomorrow is the birthday of Dorothy Parker who was born on August 22, 1893." I have a thing against referring to someone's birthday in the present tense when the person in question only exists in the past tense, i.e, the person is dead.  


I consider birthdays as milestones towards the inevitable march towards death. "Today is your birthday. You're not dead yet. Insert 'congratulations' or 'condolences' as you consider appropriate." 

Anyway...

Tomorrow will be anniversary of the birthday of Dorothy Parker who was born on August 22, 1893. 

Parker was an American poet, critic, and satirist, known for her biting wit. 

Dorothy Parker would be the sort of person to take issue with birthday greetings extended to dead people. 

I thought in recognition of the anniversary of the birthday of Dorothy Parker, I would share some of my favorite quotes from Ms. Parker as well as some choice selections of her poetry.  


“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.”

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.”

“In youth, it was a way I had,

To do my best to please.

And change, with every passing lad

To suit his theories.

But now I know the things I know

And do the things I do,

And if you do not like me so,

To hell, my love, with you.”

“Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.”

“I hate writing, I love having written.”

“Don't look at me in that tone of voice.”

“I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.”

“I like to have a martini,

Two at the very most.

After three I'm under the table,

after four I'm under my host.”

“Tell him I was too fucking busy-- or vice versa.”

"Four be the things I am wiser to know:

Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.

Four be the things I'd been better without:

Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.

Three be the things I shall never attain:

Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.

Three be the things I shall have till I die:

Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.”

“What fresh hell is this?”
I pretty much quote this every damn day. 

“That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.”

“If I didn't care for fun and such,

I'd probably amount to much.

But I shall stay the way I am,

Because I do not give a damn.”

After being asked to use "horticulture" in a sentence, Dorothy Parker offered up this bon mot:
“You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.”

“This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it."

“Brevity is the soul of lingerie.”

In her assessment of Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand, Dorothy Parker had this to say: "This is not a book to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force."

From her review of Beauty and the Beast by Kathleen Norris: "I wish you could have heard that pretty crash Beauty and the Beast made when, with one sweeping, liquid gesture, I tossed it out of my twelfth-story window."

“That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.”

“She was pleased to have him come and never sorry to see him go.”

“Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.”

“If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.”
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Holy cow! I was just looking at the blog counter and today's post is the 2,700th post on I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You!!!