Friday, August 15, 2014

Broken News for Friday, August 15th, 2014


I'm Dave-El (my chosen Kryptonian name because I am such a total nerd).

This is my blog which I call I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You (because I thought I was being oh so clever).

Today is Friday (which I have no control over, despite efforts to build my own particle accelerator out of Sprite soda cans and My Little Pony night lights).

And this is another edition of bROkEN nEWs (for which I should be greatly ashamed but this is as good as it gets, folks, so I've learned to accept it).  

Before we get moving with the day's... I don't know, festivities? Torments? Take your pick. (Torments is fine) ...let me start over.

I want to start with a word about the shadow that still looms large over this week's events, the death of Robin Williams by suicide on Monday. Robin was a brilliant actor, a comic genius and described by all who knew him as gentle and sweet an individual you could ever hope to encounter. 

Sometimes it's hard to think about being funny. And anyone who reads bROkEN nEWs from week to week knows what an ongoing struggle that is. And this week is particularly troublesome. I didn't know Robin Williams and sadly never will. But I know of the struggle, the struggle against darkness. And the greatest weapon against darkness is light. And the brightest light comes from love and laughter.  

So in the face of tragedy and loss, I'm going to dare to try to be funny. 

Don't get your hopes up: I only said I would "try".  

bROkEN nEWs is up in 5...





#BrokenNews  "Ferguson Is Pretty Much Being Treated Like A War Zone" Except in a war zone, aren't both sides supposed to be armed?* 

*Looks like cooler heads may start to prevail in Ferguson, MO. Which is a bit of a shame since the policy captain there still wanted to play "army" with his cool army toys.**

**As for what the Ferguson MO Swat Team can do now, I might have work for them. That's coming at the end of the blog.  

#BrokenNews  "Trent Lott Hired To Help Multibillion-Dollar Company Evade Taxes" So Trent Lott's going back to being a Senator again? 

#BrokenNews  "The Real Reason Facebook Is Forcing You To Download Messenger" If you don't, Facebook will break up with you and find someone who will "download" its "messenger" if you get my drift. 

#BrokenNews  "New Iraqi PM Pledges To 'Rebuild And Re-Train' Iraq Army" They'll be a brand new lean, mean running away machine. 

#BrokenNews  "Americans Largely Unaware Of Risks Found In Their Faucets" Aye, there be Kardashians up there! 

Hey, speaking of which...

#BrokenNews  "Kim Kardashian Reveals Her Biggest Regret" Not actually having any definable skills or talents.  

#BrokenNews  "Anti-Gay Crusader's Wife Left Him For... A Woman
Let me express my feelings about a song. (Ahem!) 

(sung to Alanis Morrisette's "Ironic") 

It's like hating queers when your wife's really gay 
With a lesbian she wants to get laid
Compared to dykes you don't even rate
And it's just because you wouldn't lick her!

Thank you! Thank you!*

*Info on the Broken News Complaint Department is at the bottom of the post. 

#BrokenNews  "Hard-Fought Victory For Virgin America Flight Attendants" Meanwhile, completely getting screwed? Flight attendants for Total Whore Airlines. 

#BrokenNews  "GOP Candidate Ends Campaign After Admitting Affair" You gotta pace yourself, people! Wait until you're in office then admit to the affair and resign from office in disgrace. You'll get a much better book deal. 

#BrokenNews  "Congressman Who Voted Against Minimum Wage Hike Complains He Hasn't Gotten A Raise" To be fair, he would be getting a better pay grade if he was screwing poor people in the private sector instead of fucking them as a Congressman.  

#BrokenNews  "Stanford Professor 1st Woman To Win Top Math Prize" So if you're married to this woman, make sure your excuses always add up.  

#BrokenNews  "Cremation Is More Popular Than Ever, And Here's Why" People are just more willing to make an ash of themselves these days.

#BrokenNews  "Soon We'll All Be Having Sex With Robots, Maybe
Maybe? Oh, I think it would a real sure thing, right? 
ME: "Hey, Sex-Bot 3000! I'm ready for sex!"
SEX-BOT: "Calculating: Sex-Bot 3000 has headache."

ME: "What? How can you have a headache? You're a Sex-Bot!"
SEX-BOT: "Analysis: Sex-Bot has started period."

ME: "Your period? But..."
SEX-BOT: "Interjection: Sex-Bot will not have sex in butt." 

ME: "Hey, I didn't say anything about your butt!""
SEX-BOT: "Query: what is wrong with Sex-Bot's butt?"

ME: "I...that is...I mean, nothing..."
SEX-BOT: "Accusation: You think other Sex-Bots are prettier than this Sex-Bot unit."

ME: "Wait! I never..."
SEX-BOT: "Statement: Sex-Bot going to bed."

ME: "But Sex-Bot, honey..."
SEX-BOT: "Warning: do not touch Sex-Bot. Sex-Bot is not in the mood."
So yeah, let's put that down as a "maybe".  

And now it's time for...

bROkEN nEWs tHaT cOuNtS

Hey, it's our good buddy, The Count! Take it away, Count-Man! 

Hello, kids! I'm the Count and I love to Count! Blah!
You may wonder how I, the Count, can always look in such incredible shape!
Well, I like to exercise! Yes, I especially like yoga.
Or is that yogurt? Ah, who cares? They're both good!
Anyway, if you're taking a yoga class, there are six...oooh, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6!..
SIX things your yoga teachers wish you would stop doing.

6 Things Yoga Teachers Wish You Would Stop Doing
1. Farting 
2. Wearing your teenage daughter's yoga pants, sir. 
3. Making orgasm noises during stretches  
4. Did we mention farting?
5. Randomly yelling, "Oh yeah! Yoga's GOOOOOOD!"
6. Seriously, the farting.

#BrokenNews  "Whole Foods' Plan To Sell Rabbit Meat Incites Fury" Customer Elmer Fudd is said to "pawticuwawy fuwious" citing he is "pewfectly capable of hunting my own wabbit meat. Heh. Heh. Heh. Heh."  

#BrokenNews  "North Korea Fires Rockets As Pope Makes Historic South Korean Trip" Don't let it go to your head, Pope. North Korea just gets so easily excited.  

#BrokenNews  "'The Leftovers' Gets A Season 2, And Maybe We'll Get Some Answers" Or at least something in the direction of resembling a plot. 


And that's a wrap for this week's bROkEN nEWs. As always, I'm grateful for you stopping by and I hope you found something here to prompt a thought or a chuckle, maybe both. (Careful of both; may lead to farting.)  

But if you had any objection or concern about today's post, please bring this to the attention of the highly trained staff at the bROkEN nEWs Complaint Desk. And staffing the desk today is the Ferguson MO Swat Team.

Seriously, if you had any problems or concerns, just put your hands up and...

Hey, where did everybody go? 


Coming up next on the blog...


Saturday....the epic conclusion of my fan fiction Time of the Dominion!
Sunday....the countdown begins to the real deal itself, the true debut of Peter Capaldi as the 12th Doctor! Time to take a deep breath for...Deep Breath

Until then, more than ever, be good to one another. 

Is Dave-El Stressed?

A day after Dave-El's birthday, another year older and closer to death, am I feeling stressed? YES! Yes, I am a bit stressed!!!