Broken News for Friday, August 22, 2014

Hi there. Dave-El here and welcome to my blog, I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You and...well...

Damn! 

Taking a look at what's going in the world, what else can we say?

Weeks of violent protests in Ferguson MO have made a serious dent in our nation's supply of tear gas.

Gaza is a still a hot bed of devastation as Israel and Hamas lob at each other various rockets, bullets, hot potatoes and whatever else they can get their hands on.

Ukraine is still pissed that Russia keeps poking it with a stick and Russia's in a shitty mood because Ukraine won't stand still for a good old fashion Russian stick poking. 

And then there's Iraq and the militant ISIS group who...

Well, damn!  

I mean, ISIS is some hard core shit there, I'll tell you. These bastards are on the verge of being super villains. You know, like when the Joker cuts in on the TV stations of Gotham City to delivery threats or straight up kill somebody. Yeah, like that except the Joker's in a comic book and ISIS is right here with us in the real world and...

Damn! 

OK, so it's Friday and it's time for bROkEN nEWs, my weekly post of (alleged) news satire. But in a world this bat-shit crazy, can I continue this silly little thing? 

I think that maybe more than ever I should, if only to find a handhold of silliness in the waters of turmoil we the people of this planet seem to find ourselves in so distressingly often. 

Well, it works for me. 

So let's get started on the right foot with this week's bROkEN nEWs banner, a bevy of anime cosplayers. 

Is there nothing that a bevy of anime cosplayers can't make at least a little bit better? 

bROkEN nEWs is underway in 5...

4...

3...

2...


____________________________________________________



#BrokenNews “UN Chief Calls On U.S. To Ensure Rights To Peaceful Assembly Are Protected... “  You know what that calls for? More tear gas!

 

#BrokenNews “Thousands March To Protest LAPD Slaying Of Unarmed Black Man” The LAPD were getting worried: “Those upstart cops in Ferguson MO are stealing our act? Oh fuck no! We’ve been killing unarmed black men better than anyone for years!”

#BrokenNews "White House Doesn't Rule Out Obama Trip To Ferguson" Although Obama was really hoping to take the kids to Six Flags this summer. 

#BrokenNews "Cop Who Told Ferguson Protestors: 'I Will F**king Kill You,' Suspended" If he gets fired, he has a job waiting for him as Chief of Staff in a future Ted Cruz White House.  

#BrokenNews "Israel Resumes Gaza Airstrikes After Rocket Barrage" Well, Hamas was nice enough to shoot some rockets at Israel, it would be bad manners not to respond. 

#BrokenNews “Israel Destroys Homes Of Palestinians Suspected Of Killing Teens” I’m sure the Palestinians will be completely understanding and not become even more fucking pissed off. So a hearty thumbs up to Israel.

 

#BrokenNews “Wedding Of Jew, Muslim Draws Protesters Shouting 'Death To Arabs'” The protesters would’ve been more accepting if the happy couple hadn’t paid full retail price for their honeymoon.

Hey! It's time for bROkEN nEWs tHaT cOuNTs! And with us today is...

THE COUNT! Take it away, Count, m'man! 

Hello, kids! I am the Count and I love to count! Blah! I'll count anything!
If it needs counting, then I'm your Count! But today's counting is a little...odd, even for Davel-El. We're counting seven...ooh, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7...SEVEN things you didn't know about Coco Chanel.
OK. I don't get it. Who's Coco Chanel?
Something to do with fashion? Oh, I know about fashion. Look at me, I wear a cape.
Blah!  

7 Things You Didn't Know About Coco Chanel 

1. Seriously, who is Coco Chanel? I really don't know. 
2. Did she taste like cocoa? I have no idea. 
3. Maybe she made recipes using cocoa? Could be. 
4. Did she invent the Chanel? Who knows?
5. What is a Chanel anyway? I don't have a clue.
6. Does a Chanel have something to do with cocoa? 
7. Did Coco Chanel have the power of flight? Probably not but who can tell? 

#BrokenNews “Ohio State Won't Reinstate Popular Band Director Mired In Scandal” Which is a damn shame as the band was working on a version of “Blurred Lines” to welcome him back.

#BrokenNews “Hillary Clinton Is Headed To Iowa” Her supply of corn is running low.


#BrokenNews "Possible Ebola Case Reported In California" Man, California can be SO trendy sometimes.

#BrokenNews “Rick Perry Goes On The Warpath Against Indictment” The Texas governor thinks the charges against him are a waste of time and resources that could be put to better use. Such as that lawsuit thing against President Obama. 

,  

 

#BrokenNews "Mitt Romney Says Obama Is Doing A 'Good Deal Worse Than Even I Expected'" Then he added, "It's a good thing I'll be replacing him when all the votes are tallied up." On the wall behind Romney is a calendar for November 2012 with the first Tuesday of the month circled in red and labeled "Victory Day!" Romney chuckles and says, "Yep, the final votes are coming in any minute now and we can put this whole 'Obama is President' misunderstanding behind us."  

#BrokenNews "Chris Christie Gets Pissed Over Bruce Springsteen Question" The governor snapped petulantly, "You take that back! The Boss is still my buddy! He is! You're just being mean!" 


#BrokenNews "McConnell Warms Up To The Idea Of Another Government Shutdown" Fucking with the government gets Mitch all hot and aroused and other icky things you don't want to think about. 

Hey, you know what this calls for? Another edition of...

Awkward Moments With Mitch McConnell!!

And this has been...

Awkward Moments With Mitch McConnell!!


#BrokenNews "Staples Is Closing A Ton Of Stores" Yeah, they don't got that. 

#BrokenNews “The Car People Drive When They're Old” For your convenience, the left hand turn signal is locked in the “on” position.

 

#BrokenNews “Bone Study Holds Curious Revelations About Richard III” Turns out he was really a kangaroo! Wow! 

#BrokenNews "Yet Another Lawsuit Against Justin Bieber" For false advertising. Turns out you do need more than a beauty and a beat.  

#BrokenNews "The Unexpected Meals You Can Make With Cauliflower" And the completely EXPECTED reaction of no one eating it. 

 

#BrokenNews “Heidi Klum Stuns In Dress Made Entirely Of Tiny Strings” Poor girl was overdressed. 

Look, it's the Count! Hey, whazzup, Count, baby? 

OK, kids, we're going to count so more!
 Blah!
Now we're going to count ten...wowza, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10...
TEN things the world can learn from Canada.
Like maybe who Coco Chanel was? That'll be nice.
Blah!  

10 Things The Rest Of The World Can Learn From Canada

1. Oh, there's nothing special about us up here in Canada, eh. 
2. We're just a quiet, friendly bunch of folks up here. 
3. Why that would be bragging to suggest you could learn from us.
4. Oh, you guys go on and do your thing. Live and let live, we say.
5. In fact, we're just going to let the rest of this 10 things list just slide on by.
6. .
7. .
8. I could sure use a doughnut.
9. .
10. OK, that's over. It was nice chatting with you. 

______________________________________________________

And that's a wrap on this week's bROkEN nEWs. Thanks for dropping by.  

If you're still having trouble coping with the world, you can lose yourself in the 552 episode marathon of The Simpsons on FXX.  (Click here for tips on to survive it, from the writers of The Simpsons.)  

Meanwhile let's close out bROkEN nEWs with this heartfelt message: 

This message brought to you by the Ferguson MO Police Department 

_________________________________________________

Coming up next on Saturday AND Sunday are TWO installments of Doctor Who Weekend as we celebrate the return of NEW episodes with the debut of the NEW Doctor, Peter Capaldi!

And then...

I expect the advent of new Doctor Who will leave me too 
exhausted for blogging so nothing for Monday but the day after that (which is usually Tuesday but these days, who can say for certain) is the 500th post here on I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You and we (well, I but you can tag along) will celebrate with a 500th Blog Post Thingamajiganatororama! 

Remember to be good to one another.