Thursday, August 14, 2014

Two Years In the Wilderness

Tomorrow will mark two years since I lost a friend. 

I should clarify that person is not dead. Oh no, she is very much alive and I see her at least a couple of times a week. 

But she is no longer my friend. 

Which is weird. 

Several points to address here, I suppose. 

1) Yes, I said "she" and I'm a "he" and, no, it was not what you think. We were just friends. That being said...

2) I would have called her among my best friends. And both men and women have been in that group over times so having a woman as someone I would call a "best friend" is not unusual. 

3) But it's not a very large group. Most people in my life are friends by default of not being an enemy or merely being an acquaintance.  But the group of people who I trust with my secrets, my joys and my sorrows and who in turn trusted me with their's is a very small circle. 

4) In my life, I have lost friends. Sadly, some have died. For most, it's a simple matter of losing touch. But I would say that to my last memory or my last breath, I can still call them friends. And I hope they could say the same for me. 

5) I have never lost a friend who was still living and still present. I managed to go 50 years without having a serious falling out with anybody. 

6) I have been in love and I have experienced the heart rending of pain of watching that love fracture, fade and die. But watching a friendship unravel like that? I had not had the unique "pleasure" of that experience. 

7) In many ways, it may well be worse. There's always the risk of falling in love that the passions will consume themselves and love will be no more. Friendship, one expects, to be a bit more enduring. On expects that in a love affair, there's the peril of being dumped. Who expects to be dumped from a friendship? 

8) Maybe my circle of close friends, of best friends is so small because I'm not really a good person to be a friend with. I am way too self-absorbed and too damn emotionally fragile for a grown man my age. Really, who needs to put up with that? 

9) This person who was my friend, she didn't. The actions she took to end our friendship, they hurt. Two years later, damn it all to hell, it still hurts. But it's no less than I deserve. 

10) You may wonder what the heinous crime I am guilty of that necessitated me being dumped as a friend or the specific actions taken in that regard. Despite putting all this out here, I'm not comfortable going that far. Suffice to say it's not as bad as this drama would suggest but it is still a tragedy. At least to me. 

So I mark a bitter anniversary, two years in the wilderness. It bothers me to be as old as I am and unable to cope with this any better. People are complicated. People are weird and messy and insane and damaged in so many different ways. I wish I understood that better two years ago, about myself and about others.  But sadly, I'm not sure I understand it any better now. 

And I still miss my friend. 

Dave-El 
I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You  



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