Hi there and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog with a rust free undercoating for your pleasure.
I'm Dave-El and if this is Friday, it must be bROkEN nEWs! Yes, bROkEN nEWs, your weekly suppository of news satire. And if you think I meant to say "repository", then you've never read bROkEN nEWs before.
So let's get into those headlines in 5...
4...
3...
2...
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#BrokenNews "Fed Issues Stark Warning To Big Banks" The Fed said there would be SERIOUS consequences if the big banks do anything evil. OK, overtly evil. OK, obviously, overtly evil. You know what? Forget we said anything.
#BrokenNews "Russian Hackers Stole 1.2 Billion Passwords" 75% of those passwords was the word "password".
#BrokenNews "Obama Administration Seeks Ways To Thwart Corporate Tax Dodgers" Just ask the corporations nicely, "Are you dodging any taxes?" And if they say "no", well, that's good enough for me.
#BrokenNews "40% Of Feds' 'Suspected Terrorists' Have No Terrorist Affiliation" They're "consultants".
#BrokenNews "New GOP Leader Let Lobbyist Help Interview Potential New Staffers" Meanwhile, chickens are very concerned over farmer's choice of a fox to head up security at the hen house.
Yo, yo, yo! It's the picture thing, y'all!
#BrokenNews "Critical Problem With The GOP Lawsuit Against Obama Emerges" Apparently it's not illegal for the President to be black after all.
#BrokenNews "Mike Huckabee: Obama Has Done Things 'Worthy' Of Impeachment" Like that time Obama got in the 10 items or less lane with 11 items! The bastard!
#BrokenNews "Right Wingers Are Making Their Middle Names 'Benghazi' On Facebook" And some of them actually spell it correctly too.
#BrokenNews "Apple Will Announce New iPhone In September" Well, it's about damn time! The last model is all of 2, maybe 3 months old!
#BrokenNews "The Weird, Dirty, Sexual Things Ohio State's Band Did That Got The Director Fired" As a concerned citizen, I think we need to hear more about this story. With details. And photos!
Hey, do you feel that? A tingling excitement? It can only mean ONE thing! It's another edition of...
AWKWARD MOMENTS
WITH
MITCH MCCONNELL
And this has been another installment of...
AWKWARD MOMENTS
WITH
MITCH MCCONNELL
Back to da headlines, beyotches!
#BrokenNews "GOP Lawmaker Sends Every Member Of Congress A Bible For 'Decision-Making' Instruction" For example, the begats will be very helpful in determining women's reproductive rights.
#BrokenNews "4 NYPD Officers Caught Beating Handcuffed Man" The NYPD is very upset with their officers for getting caught beating someone. They have special classes on how to do that sort of thing WITHOUT getting caught.
#BrokenNews "Target Finally Comes Out In Support Of Gay Marriage" Big deal! Wal-Mart came out in support of Cousin Marriage ages ago!
Ooh! More pictures!
#BrokenNews "Dem Withdraws From Senate Race Amid Plagiarism Scandal" Maybe hiring Shia LeBoeuf as campaign manager was a bad idea.
#BrokenNews "Christie's Approval Rating Still In The Toilet" Which is still better than the approval rating for Congress which is in the septic tank underneath the toilet.
Hey, speaking of which, let's do...
RANDOM RANDOM RANDOM RANDOM
BAD BAD BAD BAD
JOKE JOKE JOKE JOKE
Q: Where do toilets come from?
A: Toilet trees!
Thank you for joining us for...
RANDOM RANDOM RANDOM RANDOM
BAD BAD BAD BAD
JOKE JOKE JOKE JOKE
#BrokenNews "Teacher Turns Up Drunk And Pantsless On First Day" Man, that usually doesn't happen until maybe the 4th or 5th day.
#BrokenNews "Talk Radio Host Claims Ebola Could Solve America's 'Problems'" Amen to that! Maybe clear out some of those excess idiot talk radio hosts for starters, huh?
#BrokenNews "L.A. Pornographers Are Flooding The Internet With Underground Porn" "Underground porn?" No wonder the lighting's so bad!
#BrokenNews "How To Tell If A Woman Is Down To Have Sex With You" I don't do subtle. To know if a woman wants to have sex with me, she will pretty much have to say, "I want to have sex with you." And even then, I might not pick up on that. A woman needs to bring along a couple of those people from the airport with the glow sticks that tell the airplane pilot the runway is clear.
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And that, my friends, is how you make a bROkEN nEWs!
Thank you for taking time to peruse this week's bROkEN nEWs! And let me assure you if found any part of today's content to be offensive or if you have any complaints, please bring these to the attention of our complaint department.
Staffing the complaint desk this week is Samuel L Jackson who is ready to listen to your concerns. Mr. Jackson?
Er...
Why are we keeping him on staff anyway?
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In two days, another installment of Doctor Who Weekend as we present Episode Four of Time of the Dominion.
Until next time, be good to one another, OK?
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