Friday, August 29, 2014

Broken News (On a Break) For Friday, August 29th, 2014

Hi there! I’m Dave-El and welcome to I’m So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that did not win any VMAs or Emmys this year, what the hell is up with that? 

In honor of a movie you’ve already seen being in theaters this weekend (Ghostbusters), this Friday’s edition of Broken News is featuring headlines you’ve already seen. 

Or I’m just being a lazy bastard today, one or the other. 




Let’s get to them there classic Broken News headlines in 5…

4…

3…

2…

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March 7, 2014
"Russia TV Anchor Condemns Invasion Of Ukraine" 
She is now on "special assignment" to Siberia.

"State Votes Not To Kick Poor People Off Medicaid" 
There's no fun in kicking poor people; throw them off Medicaid using catapults! Weeee!

"'Real Housewives' Stars Plead Guilty To Fraud Charges" Turns out, they're not so much "housewives", closer to "housewhores". 

March 14, 2014
"Ann Coulter Disparages 'Browning Of America'" 
There's no reason to be bitter just because you have trouble getting a good tan, Mister Coulter.

"Iraq Bill Would Legalize Child Marriage, Severely Limit Women's Rights" 
Or what the Tea Party here in America would call "progress". 

"FBI Hunting Hawaii For Country's Top Domestic Terror Suspect" 
The FBI is determined to find this terrorist bastard, even if they have to search every inch of Hawaii as well as Barbados, the Cayman Islands and the French Riviera!

April 4, 2014
"Russia Threatened Nations Before Vote" 
Threats were made using "Do As We Say Or We Will Crush You" floral bouquets from FTD*.  

*They're gorgeous! I send those on Valentine's Day!

"Can We Handle Life On Mars? " 
Hell, I'm not sure we can handle life on Earth! 

"'Top Gun 2' Plot Details Revealed" 
Wait! Did the first "Top Gun" have a plot? All I remember are a lot of planes and homoerotic subtext.

April 11, 2014
"Nuggets recalled over 'matter'" 
Turned out to be chicken which, of course, surprised everyone. 

“Netanyahu Throws Wrench Into Middle East Peace Talks”
 It was an actual wrench. Netanyahu is not big on metaphors.

"Ohio Gay couples recognized" 
Also known as the least interesting gay couples in the world! 

April 18, 2014
"U.S. Issues Stern Warning To Putin" 
He can't have any pudding if he doesn't eat his meat.

"The KKK Is WAY More Prevalent Than You Think" 
KKK angrily denies they are "prevalent", then asks what "prevalent" means.

"Pastor Blocked From Feeding The Homeless" 
Well, he wouldn't say who he was feeding the homeless to. 


May 2, 2014
"New Poll Has Troubling News For Dems" 
Facts are still considered optional by the GOP.

"Senate GOP Blocks Minimum Wage Bill" 
With a higher minimum wage, the poor can afford cheap shit at Wal-Mart instead of the cheaper shit at Dollar General.

"White House Steps Up Fight Against Campus Rape" 
Just out of habit, GOP began working on an anti-Obama  statement linking campus rape to Benghazi.


May 9, 2014
“It's Already Too Late To Stop Climate Change” 
GOP unfurls a “Mission Accomplished” banner.

"JET Shuts Down Print Magazine" 
Damn! And just when Donald Sterling and Cliven Bundy renewed their subscriptions!

"North Korea State Media: Obama Is A 'Wicked Black Monkey'" 
Fox News looks on in barely repressed jealousy.



May 16, 2014
"Ukraine Crisis Hitting Russia Where It Hurts" 
In the balls?

"There Was An Israeli Spy In Al Gore's Bathroom" 
The spy was discovered when Al realized the lotion dispenser was not circumcised. 

"Karl Rove Says Hillary Clinton May Have Brain Damage" 
Karl Rove is just jealous because his dick is smaller than hers.


May 23, 2014
"Top Aide: Obama 'Madder Than Hell' Over Veterans Affairs Allegations" 
Obama: "The President should do something about this! Oh shit, that's still me, isn't it?"  

"Pat Sajak slams climate change advocates " 
C'mon, Pat, the polar ice caps AND Vanna's plastic surgery are melting! MELTING!

"Thai coup could hurt tourism" 
Shit! If you can't go to Thailand, where can we go to fuck whores?! Oh right: everywhere.  


May 30, 2014
"Europe's New Google Rule Has Many Americans Angry And Confused" 
Well, to tell the truth, "angry and confused" is pretty much America's default setting.

"Obama 'Extremely Troubled' By VA Report " 
Apparently he found some spelling errors and some misuses of commas. 

"GOP Lawmaker: Gay Rep. Should Have Stayed In The Closet" 
Along with women in the kitchen, black people at the back of the bus and American Indians on the reservation. You know, just to keep everything organized.

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And that’s a wrap on this week’s Broken News On a Break. A new edition will be back next Friday. 

Tomorrow kicks off another 2 day edition of Doctor Who Weekend

Saturday: After the debut of Peter Capaldi as the 12th Doctor, which Doctor has gotten off to the best start? And which one started off worst? The answers…well, my opinions…may surprise you.

Sunday: A review of this week’s new episode, Into the Dalek 

In the meantime, be good to one another.

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