Broken News for Friday, August 1st, 2014

Hi there! And welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the internet's ONLY 4G BLOG!*

*Great galloping gopher gravy? I really have no idea. I should try to think these things through first, huh?


I'm Dave-El and I'm back in the blog saddle once again after a few days off.  As for what I was up to during the last few days, I can only say that the charges were dropped and let's leave it that, OK? 


Anyway, so today is Friday which means its time for a NEW edition of bROkEN nEWs! That's right, because YOU demand it, 
bROkEN nEWs is here each and every Friday.* 

*Funny, I have this "didn't" left over. I wonder where in the previous sentence that was supposed to go? Oh well.  

We're kicking off today's bROkEN nEWs with some class! Here is the much respected elder statesman of CBS News, Bob Schieffer!!

You know what? I really can't argue with the man. Thanks Bob for teeing us up! 

Headlines AWAY in 5...

4...

3...

2...

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#BrokenNews “The Biggest Problem With Paul Ryan's Poverty Plan” Those pesky poor people.

 

#BrokenNews “New GOP Leader Won't Take Impeachment Off The Table” But it looks so good next to the fruit bowl!


#BrokenNews “Painful Reality Awaits Those Wanting Obama Impeached” Reality, painful or otherwise, is really not an issue with these morons. 

#BrokenNews "Congress Nears Complete Failure On Addressing Border Crisis" Those poor children coming across the border? Fuck them, we gots us a President to impeach! Yee-haw! 


#BrokenNews "House GOP Border Plan Opposed By... Republicans" Someone in the GOP realized, "Oh shit, we're about to actually DO something?! Whew! That was a close one!" 

 

#BrokenNews “Sarah Palin Announces TV Channel” Featuring a news program called “Obama Sucks”, a game show called "Obama Really Sucks", a talk show called "Have You Heard? Obama Sucks!" and a sit com  called "Two and a Half Obama Sucks". 

#BrokenNews “In a Crunch: London's Gherkin Goes on Sale”  Yeah, the current owners are in a pickle. 

Get it? "Pickle"? Y'see, the building looks like a pickle, y'see, and...and...

Sometimes I wonder if I have any shame?

Other times I just accept that I don't.

Hey, it's the picture thing!  

#BrokenNews “Out of This World: Mars Rover Sets Off-Earth Driving Record” Most miles travelled with the left turn signal on. (Still not quite beating out the on-Earth record held by Bernie Morgenstern of Hoboken NJ.) 


#BrokenNews “Russia Owes Company Shareholders $50 Billion” Vladimir Putin promises Russia will pay that money between “never” and “I don’t give a shit!”

 

#BrokenNews “No Joke: Turkish Politician Says Women Shouldn't Laugh” Anyone care to guess who had his ‘mini-Turk’ laughed at by a woman?

  

#BrokenNews "Man Fired From School For Writing About 'Homophones'" Because this promotes a "gay agenda". No, I'm not making that up; it's from the actual story! (Click the headline which links to the story.) 

But this whole "gay agenda" thing, it could be true. You start teaching about homophones and the next thing you know, Bishop Tutu is going to buy two tutus and Tootie is going to buy two tutus too. And the next thing you know, everybody's gay! 

#BrokenNews “Iran's Supreme Leader Calls For Arming Gaza Palestinians To Fight Israel” Meanwhile, Iran’s Fearless Leader calls on Palestinians to fight Moose and Squirrel. 

 

#BrokenNews “Senate Confirms New VA Secretary” So congratulations, you poor son of a bitch.

 

Now it's time for an appearance by our semi-regular feature, bROkEN nEWs tHaT cOuNtS! 

And joining us this week is actor Samuel L. Jackson! 

O-kay. 

Back to headlines then? Sure! 

#BrokenNews "Ruth Bader Ginsburg Says Supreme Court Won't 'Duck' Gay Marriage" But Clarence Thomas is quite afraid of being "goosed" by gay marriage. 

#BrokenNews “Alabama Officials Say New EPA Regulations Violate God's Will” Apparently God's will is for Alabama to be run by morons.

#BrokenNews “Oklahoma Woman Calls Cops To Complain About Purity Of Her Meth” What? She’s supposed to just accept having less than quality meth?!

 

#BrokenNews “GOP Candidate Thinks States Don't Have To Comply With Federal Law” It’s not Federal LAW, it’s Federal SUGGESTIONS!

 
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! I am SO excited! It's...

AWKWARD MOMENTS 

WITH 

MITCH MCCONNEL!

And this has been...

AWKWARD MOMENTS 

WITH 

MITCH MCCONNEL!

Now back to the headlines!  

#BrokenNews “Another Way Banks Are Screwing Over America” Couldn’t banks at least buy me dinner first? A couple of drinks, maybe?

 

#BrokenNews “GOP's Latest Plan To Take Down Obama Backfires” Don’t worry! Congressman Wiley E Coyote is ordering a new plan from ACME!

#BrokenNews "Zoe Saldana Poses Nude In New Photo Shoot" 

And now...

NEWS FROM THE FUTURE! 

NEWS FROM THE FUTURE! 
NEWS FROM THE FUTURE! 

NEWS FROM THE FUTURE! 

NEWS FROM THE FUTURE! 

Dateline: August 1st, 2044. 

"President Chelsea Clinton's nomination of Zoe Saldana to the Supreme Court may be in danger as long lost photos arise." 

So let's take a look at what the fuss is all a---

OH MAMA! 

Yeah, I'd let her in my Supreme Court and she can bang that gavel all she---

Er, I'm writing all this down....why? 

Moving on! MOVING ON!!  

#BrokenNews "Ted Cruz Continues His Push To Repeal 'Every Bloody Word' Of Obamacare" Oh fuck, Ted Cruz thinks he's British now? To all our mates in Britain, we're sorry and we'll try to fix that if we can. 

#BrokenNews "Tofu McNuggets Exist" Be afraid. Be very, very afraid! 

#BrokenNews "NRA Lobbyist Belittles Any Jew Who Backs Gun Control Because The Holocaust" So history would've been so much different with a bunch of gun toting Jews led by a heavily armed Jonathan Rambostein so that....

Hey, somebody get Sylvester Stallone on the line! I've got a great a idea for a new Rambo movie!  

#BrokenNews "Senate Sets Up Clash With The House" We can call it "Beyond Blunderdome!" 


#BrokenNews "You've Been Cutting Watermelon All Wrong" You're holding that chain saw all wrong, you stupid bastard!  

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And that's a wrap on this week's bROkEN nEWs! 

Thanks again for Bob Schieffer of CBS News kicking off today's post. Bob, do you mind taking us out? 

"bROkEN nEWs is a production of Dave-El Inc. and I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You Entertainment and is completely irresponsible for posting this content and you all should be ashamed of yourselves for reading it. I'm Bob Schieffer and I'm not wearing any pants."

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Next up on the blog. I'm giving Saturday a miss so the next Doctor Who Weekend will post on Sunday (Sunday! SUNDAY!! SUNDAY!!!) with part three of the fan fiction, Time of the Dominion. 

Then hopefully blog posts will return to a daily schedule again and we come back around here next Friday for another installment of bROkEN nEWs. 

Until then, be good to one another. 

Mwah! Good night, Dave-El.