That's right! It's a special return engagement of nobody's favorite source of news satire, bROkEn nEWs! Remember, satire is humor where its YOUR fault if you don't find this funny.
Today's edition of bROkEn nEWs! is brought to you by:
Aunt Scalia's Olde Fashioned Applesauce made with all natural jiggery-pokery. Just don't settle for any old applesauce. Aunt Scalia's special applesauce has only the finest jiggery AND pokery for a truly supreme applesauce. So get ready to have a gay ol' time when you open up a jar of Aunt Scalia's Olde Fashioned Applesauce!
We got headlines, people, coming up in 5...
Trump Blames Jeb Bush For Chief Justice Roberts' SCOTUS Appointment
Apparently, time travellers sneaking over the border from Mexico took Jeb Bush back in time and prevented his brother George from appointing Julia Roberts to the Supreme Court.
Unless you count the endless uproarious laughter.
|Donald Trump pushes back Mexican|
immigrants with his super powerful
Rick Perry: African-Americans Are Better Served By The Republican Party
- Most African-Americans just assume that means the GOP is better at serving warrants for arresting black people.
- They will be forced to fight danger and each other with their weapons of choice: passive aggressiveness and blindness to facts.
Republicans Don't Find Racism To Be A Very Serious Problem
- Why, a little racism never hurt nobody no how! Besides, nobody has ever been racist to me!
- That's a damn lie, I tell you here from my hermetically sealed underground vault.
- Scientists have been wondering about this for years.
- Another question they've pondered: What is it like to have sex?
- Are you crazy? Have you seen the price of day care?
- The US Army prepares you for many things except, apparently, how to take selfies.
The One Thing Twisted Sister Never Got From Success
OK, I'm going to rule out fleas....
- From my couch watching the fireworks in NY on my
- Donald Trump appearing on Sabado Gigante. (I'm going to miss you, Sabado G!)
- Ah, during our sweet, sweet love making, you will see the fireworks as we have the sex, yes?
- Oh, the fireworks I see after you hit me in the head with the frying pan, no?
- My fifth cousin twice removed, Ray Lee Wayne, puts on some fine displays in his backyard. Hey, here's some info about my cousin Ray Lee Wayne:
- Number of fingers remaining: 8 (for now).
- Favorite catch phrase: "Hey y'all, watch this!"
- Second favorite catch phrase: "Help! I'm on fire!"
Happy birthday, America!
And that's a wrap on this special bROkEn nEWs event. Thank you for dropping by and maybe I might do another bROkEn nEWs sometime in the future. It depends on how many complaints I get here at the bROkEn nEWs cOMpLaINtS dEpARtmEnT! If you have a complaint, they are ready to take it.
|"We're not gonna take it!"|