Friday, July 3, 2015

Broken News For Friday, July 3, 2015

Hey, hey, hey! It's back and it's totally whack! 




















That's right! It's a special return engagement of nobody's favorite source of news satire, bROkEn nEWs! Remember, satire is humor where its YOUR fault if you don't find this funny.

Today's edition of bROkEn nEWs!  is brought to you by:


Aunt Scalia's Olde Fashioned Applesauce made with all natural jiggery-pokery. Just don't settle for any old applesauce. Aunt Scalia's special applesauce has only the finest jiggery AND pokery for a truly supreme applesauce. So get ready to have a gay ol' time when you open up a jar of Aunt Scalia's Olde Fashioned Applesauce! 


We got headlines, people, coming up in 5...


4...


3...


2...


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Trump Blames Jeb Bush For Chief Justice Roberts' SCOTUS Appointment

Apparently, time travellers sneaking over the border from Mexico took Jeb Bush back in time and prevented his brother George from appointing Julia Roberts to the Supreme Court.


Speaking of time travel and just for fun, let's go back to June 16, 2015 and Donald Trump's announcement of his run for the US Presidency. This is where the Donald brought to our attention the secret plot by the Mexican government to send people to the US. "They're sending people that have lots of problems, and they're bringing those problems with us. They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists. And some, I assume, are good people."

The Donald actually did show some restraint in his remarks. I have here the original text for his remarks: 

"They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're bringing chimichangas and tostadas." 

Actually, the US Government reached out to make a deal with the Mexicans. We would take their drug dealing criminal rapists if they would take Donald Trump in exchange. So far the Mexicans have not made a comment on this proposal. 

Unless you count the endless uproarious laughter. 


Donald Trump pushes back Mexican
immigrants with his super powerful
"Trump Breath"

Rick Perry: African-Americans Are Better Served By The Republican Party
  • Most African-Americans just assume that means the GOP is better at serving warrants for arresting black people. 

Obama On GOP Presidential Candidates: They'll Have Enough For An Actual 'Hunger Games' 


  • They will be forced to fight danger and each other with their weapons of choice: passive aggressiveness and blindness to facts.  


Republicans Don't Find Racism To Be A Very Serious Problem

  • Why, a little racism never hurt nobody no how! Besides, nobody has ever been racist to me

Nature Is Good For Your Mental Health

  • That's a damn lie, I tell you here from my hermetically sealed underground vault.  


  • Scientists have been wondering about this for years. 
  • Another question they've pondered: What is it like to have sex?

  • Are you crazy? Have you seen the price of day care? 


  • The US Army prepares you for many things except, apparently, how to take selfies. 

The One Thing Twisted Sister Never Got From Success



Hmm! Something Twister Sister never got, huh? 

OK, I'm going to rule out fleas....



  • From my couch watching the fireworks in NY on my big screen TV.
  • Donald Trump appearing on Sabado Gigante. (I'm going to miss you, Sabado G!) 
  • Ah, during our sweet, sweet love making, you will see the fireworks as we have the sex, yes? 
  • Oh, the fireworks I see after you hit me in the head with the frying pan, no?
  • My fifth cousin twice removed, Ray Lee Wayne, puts on some fine displays in his backyard. Hey, here's some info about my cousin Ray Lee Wayne:
    • Number of fingers remaining: 8 (for now).
    • Favorite catch phrase: "Hey y'all, watch this!" 
    • Second favorite catch phrase: "Help! I'm on fire!"

July 4th
"That frying pan hurts! Oooh! Pretty!"


After 2 Failures, Critical Supplies Are Finally En Route To The Space Station

Yep, thanks to Russian rocket technology so....

Happy birthday, America! 


________________________________

And that's a wrap on this special bROkEn nEWs event. Thank you for dropping by and maybe I might do another bROkEn nEWs sometime in the future. It depends on how many complaints I get here at the bROkEn nEWs cOMpLaINtS dEpARtmEnT! If you have a complaint, they are ready to take it


"We're not gonna take it!"

Or maybe not.  

"No! We ain't gonna take it!"


Yeah, I know, I know, you're....

"We're not gonna take it!"


Fine! Fine! You don't have to take any damn complaints! 

Are we done?

...

OK, then. That's that. To my readers, I am so sorry that...

"ANYMORE!"


Son of a bitch! 

*Sigh!*

Run the disclaimer. 

bROkEn nEWs is a production of Dave-El Inc and I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You Productions
The content of bROkEn nEWs cannot be explained by the laws of science or the tenets of any major religion. If bROkEn nEWs begins to smoke or spark, cover head and seek shelter. Any reposting of this edition of bROkEn nEWs would only serve to prove your lack of social interaction with other beings. 

And.....we're done! Be good to one another, OK?




Dave-El
I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You

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