Thursday, July 30, 2015


So there’s this guy named Walter James Palmer, a Minnesota dentist, who paid $55,000 to a couple of guides in Zimbabwe for the privilege of killing a lion. The lion in question was named Cecil.

Yes, he had a name as this was a very special lion. Since 2008, researchers from Oxford University had studied Cecil the lion who was a famous and beloved resident of the Hwange National Park. Palmer’s “hunt” for this animal was arranged by the two guides who lured Cecil away from the safety of his park home and brought him unto private land to be killed by Palmer.   

Click here for more info on this story.

There are so many things about this that I find completely disturbing.

  • The killing of this creature was not a matter of survival to obtain food or an act of defense against attack.
  • One couldn’t even call this hunting for sport. Cecil wasn’t running fast or lurking in the brush. 
  • There isn’t any benefit to thinning Cecil from the herd. I don’t think there’s a problem with too many lions hanging around.
  • Cecil was not an animal roaming in the wild. He was part of a protected habitat in a national park.
  • In short, this was not a hunt; this was an execution.

Palmer has gone on record as saying he was assured the guides had secured the appropriate permits (they had not) which may throw some legal shade his way and keep him out of prison. But this is not the first time Palmer has run into trouble over the killing of a wild creature.

Which leads me to several questions for Palmer.

  • Just how small is your dick? I mean, I’m assuming there’s some degree of compensating for shortcomings in your manhood that would lead you seek out and slaughter animals so you can display their heads on your wall.
  • Do you know there are pills for your small dick? I hear Cialis works wonders.
  • Did you realize you were not on an actual hunt, right? I mean, you’ve seen movies, I’m sure, of the adventurous hunter stalking dangerous prey that can move in a blink of an eye or disappear in the wild just as fast. Intelligence against instincts, man against beast, civilization against the wild. Mind you, I’m not a hunting man but I can see where one might feel quite a rush from that kind of match up. But that’s not what you were doing, was it? Having a lion essentially led out with an invitation to “here, shoot this”, hardly seems like hunting to me.
  • Do you know you’re regarded right now as the biggest asshole on the planet? And this is a planet where Donald Trump, Mike Huckabee, Sarah Palin, Ann Coulter and Bill O’Reilly also live. That’s quite an accomplishment!  
  • You stupid bastard, do you realize out badly you’ve fucked up? You ticked off Jimmy Kimmel! Of all the late night talk show hosts, I can’t imagine Kimmel doing anything that’s not for a laugh and he spent part of this show Tuesday night telling everyone how really pissed off at you he is.
  • Seriously, your small dick? There are alternatives to murdering lions. Viagra. Swedish penis pumps.

I’m making light of Walter James Palmer, dickhead extraordinaire, but for me, it’s either make fun of this fucker or give in to rage. But damn it, this world is filled with too many people who are contending for the dickhead extraordinaire trophy and I would just stay angry all the time. 

Instead I choose to mock this man, this cowardly Q-tip of a man with his small, poorly functioning dick, because mockery is the fate of any person, man or woman, who would try hide behind false bravado to mask their shortcomings as a human being. Braying politicians and brain dead celebrities who use stupid actions and stupid words as weapons of strength to belie their own weaknesses and inadequacies. 

Everyone, be good to one another. 

And you know what, try to include Walter James Palmer if you can. After all, the stupid son of a bitch has a really small, malfunctioning dick. How else to explain such callous disregard for life? How else to explain such stupidity? I'd hate to think it's his heart or his soul that is too small or doesn't work right.  

I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You

Action Comics#1000

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