Saturday, July 25, 2015

Christmas In July

    Hi there! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You! I'm Dave-El and I know when you've been sleeping because these night vision goggles are amazing!

    We're on the back side of July now, the point of summer where our thoughts turn towards...Christmas? 

    As if Christmas doesn't start early enough now (the day before Halloween), we have to get a sneak peek in the middle of a muggy hot summer. 

    You hear the commercials on radio or on the TV with some store or another touting a sales event as "Christmas In July". The message I get from such commercials? Don't shop at those stores.


    I have a hard enough time getting into the Christmas spirit at actual Christmas if the temperature is above 50 degrees*.


    *That's "Fahrenheit", not "Celsius" because I'm an American and we believe that the Metric system is a product of godless socialism. Aso we don't understand it.


    The idea of even bringing up the word "Christmas" in the seasonal sauna known as July, even in jest or as some kind of postmodern marketing irony, is something I do not have patience for. Hearing a marketing pitch with sleigh bells in summer makes me want to hurl rocks at those bells and anyone stupid enough to be ringing them.


    Tonight (Saturday) our local minor league baseball team, the Grasshoppers, are having a "Christmas In July" event at the ball park. Which is why the El family ventured forth from the Fortress of Ineptitude on Friday instead to take in a game.**


    **Yes, there will be a forthcoming blog post about our visit to the ballpark, filled with excitement, adventure and romance, particularly if I make shit up. 


    Tonight (which is, as noted above, Saturday for those keeping score at home) we're going to finally see Ant-Man. Yes, we're going to see a movie about a man dressed in red with amazing powers that lets him get into places you wouldn't otherwise expect him to go.


    That's Ant-Man, not Santa. Although note that the word "ant" is right there in the middle of "Santa". Oh my God! Santa Claus has ant powers!


    You better not pout!
    You better not cry!
    You better not shout!
    I'm telling you why:
    Santa Ant-Man's coming....
    ...into your house through the tiny crevices around edges of your front door! 


    Just rolls right off the tongue, doesn't it? 


    Where was I? Oh yeah! Bitching about Christmas In July.


    Speaking of which, hell, even Santa's looking to lay low from all the Christmas stuff during the summer, chillin' out in a hammock down in Key West, FL, sipping on a banana daiquiri.


    I mean, Christmas is his whole deal but even he needs some time to kick back a little bit longer before heading back to work with those damn elves with their constant "Ha! Ha! Ha!" and their "Hee! Hee! Hee!"


    Letting the elves have an espresso machine may have been a mistake.


    So what is Santa up to in the middle of summer?  

    The hashtag   was trending on Twitter back the first of July so here are my contributions to said topic. 


    Drum roll please!


    *Blllrrrrpptt!* 


    1. Yoga. No, yogurt! Well, it's one or the other.
    2. Adding a third category to go with "Naughty" and "Nice". Third option: "Totally F**king Stupid" (Thanks, !)
    3. Still cleaning his suit 6 months after Christmas. Chimney soot is a real bitch to get out of white fur.
    4. On Twitter to what he wants for Christmas.*
    5. Taxes (This late? Uh oh!)
    6. Rotating the reindeer
    7. Backing up his hard drive
    8. Tequila shots
    9. Sudoku
    10. Unfollowing  on Twitter.

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