Saturday, July 23, 2016

Cleveland Rocked

Hi there! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, your internet source for conservative values going for really, really low prices. I'm Dave-El and I feel naked without my American flag lapel pin made in China. 

This past week was the Republican National Convention held in Cleveland OH whose city motto is "Oh, Hell! Now What?" Now the city is being hosed down with Pine-Sol and hot water while dump trucks cart away tons of red, white and blue bunting and Chris Christie's hopes and dreams.

The RNC was like a family reunion: you don't necessarily want to be there but you gotta suck up and get through it the best you can. It doesn't help that the family patriarch of the Republican Party is now Donald Trump who no one likes but everyone wants to be sure they're in his will.

So how did the ascension of Donald Trump proceed? Let's take a look back, shall we?

Yes, let's shall.


RNC Day One
The tone of the convention (Hate Fest 2016) was exceedingly dark and angry with speaker after speaker reminding the audience what a hellhole the country is all thanks to Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton who, as we all know, are agents of some terrible secret plan to destroy America. Instead of Ronald Reagan’s “Morning In America”, we got Donald Trump’s “Mourning For America”. A lot of negativity going on, you would think the GOP was wailing in the wilderness of a post-apocalyptic wasteland. No, they were just in Cleveland.


There was a bright note of positivity from Donald’s wife, Melania. Resplendent in a white dress, Melania Trump spoke from the heart. Granted, Melania was speaking from Michelle Obama’s heart but… well, Melania spoke from someone’s heart, anyway and that’s what counts.


Definitely speaking from her own heart was Patricia Smith whose son died at Benghazi. Filled with rage and regret, Smith made an emotionally raw speech where she accused Hillary Clinton of personally being responsible for the death of her son. Agree with her or not, it was a heart wrenching moment. Except to Donald Trump who was calling in live to Bill O’Reilly on Fox News at the same time as Smith’s appearance. Trump’s urgent message to the nation? “I’m the least racist person I know.”


Donald Trump’s top campaign adviser Paul Manafort decided to pick a fight with Ohio Gov. John Kasich, calling out the former Republican candidate for President for “embarrassing” the state of Ohio by not attending the convention taking place in his own state. Given that Kasich enjoys quite a high favorable approval rating in the state of Ohio which is a key battleground state in the general election, ragging on the governor seems like a particularly jackass type of thing to do. Which is in character with Donald Trump and his campaign so forget I mentioned anything. 

RNC Day Two
The Republican Party really came together and with a fervent passion, unified behind the nominee.

OK, it was the Democratic Party's nominee Hillary Clinton they were behind with metaphorical torches and pitchforks, united in hate. But hey, those crazy kids found some common ground so good for them.

Hate Fest 2016 featured Gov. Chris Christie giving a speech that wouldn't have been out of place at the Salem Witch Trials. OK, I get it! Hillary's a Democrat which means she's too liberal for God's good conservative Earth but geez! You would think Clinton personally decorated Hitler's bunker or something.

Oh and Donald Trump was officially named as the Republican Party's Presidential nominee. The #NeverTrump movement squeaked in impotent rage as the vote went about as smoothly as one could expect. But while Trump probably thought this was a love fest for his awesomeness, it was just a bunch of hard core haters who decided they hate Hillary more than they hate Donald. In fact, Hillary's name was invoked way more than Donald's. Some speakers managed to get through entire speeches without mentioning Trump.

RNC Day Three
Wednesday saw the return of that lying fuck bastard Ted Cruz which I wrote about in yesterday's post, TED CRUZ IS A LYING FUCK BASTARD: THE RETURN.

But what else happened at the GOP's Hate Fest 2016? 

Trump adviser and New Hampshire delegate Al Baldasaro's called to put Hillary Clinton "in the firing line" and shoot her "for treason." The Secret Service is looking into that one. 

Also on Wednesday, a Trump staff writer took the blame for Melania Trump's speech from Monday. Which you may recall the early word before the speech was Melania wrote it herself. So I'm glad we cleared that up.  

And we got a speech from the Vice Presidential nominee, MY PANTS! I mean, Mike Pence. Yes, I'm going to do that all the way until November. Anyway, Pants...er, Pence (dammit!) may have said something or another but nobody was listening since everybody in the arena was still pissed over what an asshole Cruz was. 

RNC Day Four
This is the day that Donald Trump would formally accept the Republican nomination for President. So the big story was... still Ted Cruz. Facing the Texas delegation, Cruz said he wasn't some servile puppy to offer his loyalty to a man who insulted his wife and father as Trump did during the campaign. While some in the delegation applauded Cruz for standing up to Trump, others thought Cruz should grow a pair and stand up for the team and endorse Trump. I tell you, I would almost admire Cruz at this point. Except he is, as you know, a lying fuck bastard. 

Let's skip ahead to big event with Donald's daughter Ivanka giving the introduction to her father's speech. Both of them espoused certain ideas that, last time I checked, the Republican Party is supposed to be against like equal pay for women and gay rights or speaking out against trade agreements that most Republicans (include My Pants...Mike Pence...dammit!) are in favor of. Yet both speeches were greeted with enthusiasm. No, the crowd was not suddenly in favor of gay people and against trade agreements. They just really fucking hate Hillary Clinton and they think Donald is the one to clean her clock. 

Donald's very long speech (he may in fact still be speaking) was notable for its foundation not in hope and aspiration but in fear. Fear of crime and terrorism run rampant. Fear of a world changing too fast and not for the better. There is so much to fear, Donald would have you believe but he can save you from that fear. Donald's solution to the world's ills? "I can fix it."  




So the Republican National Convention or Hate Fest 2016 came to a close and Donald finished off the night as he had started his campaign last summer, appealing to our fears and assuring us that yes, we have every right to be scared because the world sucks and its out to get us unless Donald Trump saves the day. And Trump is going to save the day because he's awesome. The end.   

Republicans spent a week yelling in rage and anger at what they were against and mostly, what they were against is Hillary Clinton. Next week, the Democrats take their turn. Will they tell us what they are for or will this be a week of telling us how much they are against Donald Trump ? Will Bernie Sanders or his supporters pull a Ted Cruz? Will Bill Clinton crib a speech from Laura Bush? 

I know I'm just (yawn!) giddy with anticipation. 

Until next time, remember to be good to one another. 

Jerry Lewis, Comic Book Character

This weekend, Jerry Lewis passed away at the age of 91. In his latter years, Jerry became known more for being cantankerous and ill tempered...