Monday, July 18, 2016

The Donald and My Pants

Hello! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, a blog based on a platform of more chocolate pudding for everyone. I'm Dave-El, your Law & Order: Special Victims Unit candidate. 

So Donald Trump announced his Vice Presidential running mate last week and it wasn't a potted plant or a cardboard cutout of himself or a Victoria's Secret model or any number of endless possibilities open to the Donald's particular madness. No, he actually picked an actual politician type person who may provide a significant and useful counterbalance to Trump. It was a decision made with logic and political pragmatism. 

And by all accounts, Donald Trump wanted to back out of it. 

But he didn't and now we have as the Republican's nominee for Trump's running mate.... MY PANTS! 

OK, his name is Mike Pence but COME ON! When anyone says Mike Pence, admit it, you hear "my pants".  

But that was the least of the fun we could have with the pairing of Donald Trump and My Pants... er, Mike Pence. Shortly after the "formal" announcement (Trump sent a Tweet, duh!) that Pence was Trump's pick for VP, the Trump campaign unveiled the new campaign logo. 
Taking a good look at that logo, one may feel that there's something a bit off a about it. 

Or maybe you're asking...

"Is the letter T actually fucking the letter P on top of red and white striped bed sheets?"  

Well, shame on you! You pervert! Really! Get your mind out of the gutter! 

Yes, the letter P is being fucked by the letter T.  


Later versions of the logo have dropped the stylized graphic of the T and the P entwined in the act of sexual intercourse. 

Of course, even without the implication of sex stuff going on between two letters of the alphabet, the use of TP led to all sorts of allusions to toilet paper and the uses there of. 

The most inspired use of the TP logo in reference to toilet paper?

Yes, we got the return of Cornholio from Beavis and Butthead from the classic animated MTV series. See, when Butthead got too much caffeine in him, he would stretch his shirt over his head and proclaim, "I am Cornholio! I need TP for my bunghole!" 

And the idea that I needed to explain that makes me feel really, really old.   

OK, back to politics.

So who is My Pants? I mean, Mike Pence. Dammit! 

Pence is the current governor of Indiana and a former Congressperson. Gov. Pants...PENCE! Dammit!... is a very straight arrow Christian person who is really into ultra conservative positions. Last year, Pence came to prominence when his state passed a religious freedom bill which broadly said that the state can't make you do something that's against your religion and specifically that good decent Christian folks didn't need to sell stuff to heathen gay people. It was this bill that actually scuttled Pence's own ambitions to run for President. As is the case with legislation of this sort, as it's based on religious doctrine and not actual constitutional law, it's very hard to defend to an audience wider than white heterosexual evangelicals. When pressed to specifically say yes or no as to whether or not the bill was designed to discriminate against the LGBT community, Gov. Pence floundered badly. Lacking the courage of his convictions to more vigorously defend the law, Pence saw his standing with the evangelical community take a big hit. Being involved in this whole mess in the first place did nothing for Pence's reputation with everybody else.  

Still, My Pants...Mike Pence! Dammit!... has enough Republican street cred left to be seen as a viable balance to Donald Trump's more mercurial nature. Pence can play the grown up in the room while Trump does whatever the hell it is he does.  

I noted earlier that there were reports Trump was looking to back out of this decision to select Pence. News outlets jumping the gun on Thursday announcing the Pence selection as a done deal rattled the Donald and there were stories that as late as midnight Thursday, Trump was on the phone looking to see if he had any wiggle room to get out of this. (I can't help but wonder if there have been many other nights where Trump made similar calls every time he won a primary.)   

The choice of My P....Mike Pence was one that was championed by Trump's campaign manager (yes, there actually is one!) Paul Manaford and Trump's family. Apparently Donald really wanted to pick New Jersey Governor Chris Christie; Christie has had Trump's back since Christie ended his own campaign for President.  But Trump was reminded that he was picking a Vice President, not his new best friend.  (Awww! Donald just wants a friend. That's so sad!)  

And lo it came to pass, we now have TP at the top of the Republican ticket, ready to seek the votes of our bungholes. 

Tonight the Republican National Convention gets underway in Cleveland so let's get this party started. It's going to be a surreal experience. Lots of big names in the GOP are not going to be in attendance, let alone speak at the convention. So far the biggest celebrity speaking at the convention is actor Scott Baio (Happy Days, Joanie Loves Chachi, Charles In Charge, Arrested Development) who is quite the anti-Obama guy it seems so the Trump crowd will love him.  But you know the going is rough when you can't even get Tim Tebow. Tim freakin' Tebow? C'mon! Surely his social calendar is not that busy. 

Notable by her absence is Sarah Palin, the GOP crowd pleasing grand doyenne of the conservative non-sequitur and early supporter of Donald Trump. When asked about Palin's absence from the convention, Trump explained that Palin is in Alaska which is a really, really far away and it would be hard for her to attend. 

Right. I don't see how Sarah Palin could possibly get all the way from Alaska to Ohio.  

It's a shame that one of Trump's biggest boosters can't be at the convention. Trump needs all the help he can get with half of the Republican Party really pissed off that Donald's at the top of the ticket: "Fuck it! We're stuck with Donald Trump!" 

And the other half has barely and reluctantly accepted that this is the current fate of the GOP Presidential ticket: "We're stuck with Donald Trump? Fuck it."  

Guess who is speaking at the Republican National Convention? Ted Cruz.

Oh goody. 

Let me take this moment to remind everyone of the Official I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You Position On Ted Cruz: 

Let's see what kind of pretzel Lyin' Ted (Donald's decription, not mine) twists himself into to justify appearing at this crapfest.  

By the way, the RNC will be making accommodations for white supremacists in attendance. 

Yep, that's a real sign at the Cleveland convention center. I'm sure its part of some color coding system for the elevators and not some racial thing. But it is a bit of an embarrassment for the GOP who is trying convince everyone that Donald Trump is not a racist.  

So that's that for today's post. Tomorrow on the blog, I take a look at the new Ghostbusters movie. And there may be more political themed posts as the week long Republican convention continues. 

Until next time, remember two things: 

1) Be good to one another.
2) MY PANTS!  

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