Saturday, July 30, 2016

Philadelphia Rolled

Hi there! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, your internet source for pants suits. I'm Dave-El and I've been waiting for this moment since I was a little girl. 

Last week, Cleveland Rocked

This week, Philadelphia Rolled! 

The Democratic National Convention was held in Philadelphia whose city motto is "No! Fuck YOU!" Now the city is being Febreeze'd while dump trucks cart away tons of empty Starsbucks cups along with the broken dreams and battered protest signs of #BernieOrBust fanatics.

The DNC was like an office party: you're only going because there's an open bar and there might be a chance to hook up with that cute girl who works the phones. Hell, that's why Bill Clinton was there. But the woman who owns the office keeps hogging the karaoke machine. 

So how did the coronation of Hillary Clinton progress? Let's take a look back, shall we?

Yes, let's shall.


DNC Day One

Holy freakin’ hell, people! After the hot mess that was the Republican’s convention last week, the bar was pretty damn low for the Democrats to put on a better show. And out of the starting gate, the Dems failed to clear that bar. The outrage of the #BernieOrBust hold outs got seriously stoked by the scandal swirling around the DNC email hack and the revelations that the Democratic National Committee were definitely leaning pro-Hillary during the primary season. The only thing worse than an angry paranoid person is an angry paranoid person who is right and the convention was packed with these guys. 



Everybody got booed. No matter who tried to speak, there were angry boos coming from the crowd. Hell, someone dredged up that Republican anti-Hillary chant, “Lock her up! Lock her up!”  Meanwhile, even Bernie Sanders was getting booed. He got ‘em riled up during the primaries but even he couldn’t shut ‘em down come convention time.  (For more on Bernie, check out yesterday's post.) 


Was anybody paying attention to Demi Lovato singing “What’s Wrong With Being Confident?” Did they boo that too? They better not! Demi Lovato is a national treasure! A treasure, I tells ya! 

It got to the point where comedian Sarah Silverman had enough. An ardent Sanders supporter herself, she told the assembled throng that the #BernieOrBust people were “being ridiculous”. And they booed that.  

And then…. 

<cue heavenly light from above>

<cue angels singing>

 …there was Michelle Obama! 

The First Lady, resplendently beautiful and poised as always, delivered a strong, passionate speech that cut away at the messages of hate and fear that have dominated our political landscape and spoke of the greatness of the American spirit and the potential of all of us to pursue our dreams in peace and freedom.  

Oh God, I’m going to miss her.  And if anyone dared booed during this wonderful woman’s speech, they deserved to be slapped upside the head with the greatness of the back of my American hand.  



DNC Day Two 
And lo upon the coming of the 2nd day, the people were still pissed but slightly less so. Maybe the harsh cold reality was setting in for some of the delegates: "I hate Hillary Clinton but I really fucking HATE Donald Trump!"

Tuesday is when a political convention takes a vote from the delegates to formally nominate the nominee. That's the part where a delegate gets to shout something inane like "FROM THE GREAT STATE OF NORTH DAKOTA, HOME OF THE LARGEST EAR OF CORN IN AMERICA, WE CAST OUR VOTE FOR..."

And this is where things could've gotten dicey. The #BernieOrBust crowd could've made a big stink about things. But Bernie Sanders had stayed on message throughout the convention and that message was, "Hillary is the nominee. Support her or we're getting Trump for a President." There was an aberration to Bernie's appeal for togetherness as 200 delegates walked off the floor in protest. But no one paid them any mind and Bernie himself pledged all the delegates he had won to Hillary Clinton. A sincerely classy gesture from Hillary's former rival.

So much like the Republicans last week, the Democrats avoided the drama and smoothly, efficiently and officially declared Hillary Clinton as the nominee of their party to the office of President of the United States of America, the first time ever that a woman has secured the nomination of a major political party for the highest office in this country.

You would think that would be a bigger deal. Oh well.

DNC Day Three
The cloud of the email scandal still hung over things as attention turned from what was in the emails to how they got out in the first place. Early intelligence indicated the hackers were Russian. A lot of fingers were pointing at Putin, accusing Russia's leader of trying to influence the US election in favor of his good friend Donald Trump. Trump denied knowing Putin but then adding that if Russian has any more of Hillary's emails, they should turn those over too.

Yes, Donald Trump was appealing to a foreign government to do opposition research for him. And yes, Republican VP nominee My Pants...Mike Pence, dammit!... ran as hard as he could in the opposite direction of that statement.

So the black cloud of the email scandal gave a glimmer of a silver lining for the Democrats, yet another question mark about Donald's character and capabilities of being President.

Tim Kaine, Clinton's VP running mate, gave a speech. Gosh darn it, he is quite a nice fellow, isn't he? He's like a really friendly neighborhood dad. But boy are they really pushing that Spanish speaking thing. Por favor! We get it!

Outgoing VP Joe Biden gave perhaps the best speech of his career. Joe is so cool, he can use words like "malarkey" and get away with it.

But the big story was the Big Dog himself, the current President, Barack Obama, addressing the convention. To chants of "Four More Years" (oh, if only), the President spent most of his time on stage being reflective and if anybody has the right to do that, it's an outgoing President. But Obama made a very strong assertion that the future is in good hands with Hillary Clinton who came out to give the Prez a big ol' hug.


Shhhh! They're sleeping.

DNC Day Four
The fires of protest were still burning but it was more of a smolder by the time Thursday rolled around.

Thursday was Hillary's big night but earlier in the evening, a soft spoken unassuming Muslim immigrant from Pakistan named Khizr Kahn stole everyone's hearts with an emotional take down of Donald Trump. Kahn lost his son who served with the US Army in Iraq. Kahn chastised Trump for his divisiveness and his ignorance. Waving a copy of the US Constitution, Kahn berated Trump with the question if Trump had ever actually read it. Kahn added, "You have sacrificed nothing and no one."

It was a powerful moment but time could not linger for long upon it because the hour came around when it was time for...

Hillary! The Movie!

It was a pleasant excursion into the life Hillary Clinton and her dedication to public service narrated by no less than Morgan Freeman. Morgan freakin' Freeman! That man should narrate everything!

Then Hillary Clinton herself came on stage and gave... well, a pretty good speech. OK, she's no Barack Obama or Bill Clinton or even Joe Biden. But she made her case for why people should vote for her and her case for people should not vote for Trump. She's not picky, all right? And then she got to do for real what she first practiced doing when she was a little girl: she accepted the nomination for President of the United States.

And...we're off! General election time! Around 100 days between now and election day and boy is going to get rough. Donald Trump is already snarling and jerking at the chain to be set loose on Crooked Hillary. And Hillary has the daunting task of trying to convince voters she is not a she-harpy from the pits of hell and they should vote for her and not the Oompa Loompa on steroids.

Guys and gals, it's going to be a scary as hell 100 days.

Everyone, be especially good to one another. I'll be back with another post tomorrow.

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