Friday, May 5, 2017

Broken News For Friday, May 5, 2017

Hi there! I'm Dave-El and today marks the return of a feature that has not been seen on I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You since November 2016. 

Yes, it's....


YES! It's the return of.....

<Ta-da!!!!!!>






Yes! Once more, bRoKEN nEwS graces this fine, upstanding blog. bRoKEN nEwS! is my occasional foray into news satire! Remember, "satire" is a form of humor where if you don't laugh, it's your fault.  

Today's  bRoKEN nEwS is brought to you by...

Regressive Insurance, an insurance company with solid 1950's values that conservatives really love! Ladies, are you interested in insurance? Let your husbands handle that; no need to worry your pretty little heads over such things. 

That's... 
Regressive Insurance

So let the excruciating fun begin in 5...

4...

3...

2.....


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Trump and Putin Speak by Phone, Discuss Potential Personal Meeting
Putin will not allow Trump to have a "safe word".   



Here's how the call ended. 

Trump: I suppose we need to say 'good night', Putinhead.
Putin: Good night, my little Trumpykins.
(both on line, breathing)
Putin: You're still there?
Trump: You hang up first.
Putin: No, you hang up first.
Trump: I don't wanna. You hang up first.
Putin: I have idea: on count of three, we hang up at same time.
Trump: OK. 
Put and Trump: One... Two... Three...
(both on line, breathing)
Trump: Putinhead, you're still there! 
Putin: I just can't quit you, Trumpykins.
Trump: Aaaaah! That's so sweet.  


President Trump Claims Victory on Bipartisan Spending Bill
Did Intelligent Space Aliens Once Live in Our Solar System?
No one intelligent is living in it now. 


The amendment would make getting sick against the law. There! Problem solved!


House Narrowly Passes GOP Health Care Bill

At the end of the bill, it reads, "Trump voters? SUCKERS!!!!"

It finally got the OK from the Freedom Caucus when the bill eliminated protections for PRE- and POST-existing conditions. Yep, no coverage for any conditions you HAD or WILL HAVE.  


'Life or Death': Doctors Warn Health Bill Changes Could Kill

GOP is confused. "Why, these doctors make it sound like that's a bad thing."  


I think "being in trouble" is a job requirement under Trump. 

How Rich Would You Have to Be to Benefit From Trump's Tax Plan?
However rich Trump's supposed to be, I guess.  


Trump: US needs 'good' government shutdown to fix trouble in Senate
Damn, Trump will do anything to get out of work.


Marine denied plagiarizing in a statement that began, "It is the best of times; it is the worst of times." 

This keeps up,  no one will be left at Fox New to run the cameras.

Them we'll miss out on this.


Keep the cameras rolling, Fox News! 

One perv on the jury asked for the evidence to be enlarged. You know, for the sake of justice, of course.

You know, the press should be ashamed of publishing topless photos of Kate. This is a woman who is always poised and comports herself with dignity.



Mostly.  
  
Wrestling kingpin Vince McMahon called Oscar Munoz at United Airlines: "Dude, I think we can make money with this!"

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And that is that for this edition of bRoKEN nEwS which is a production of  I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You Entertainment and Dav-El Enterprises LLC and refuses to be responsible for this content. Don't try to pin this on us, OK?

bRoKEN nEwS is made possible in part by the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. (Psst! Keep it on the down low. We're hoping Bill & Melinda won't notice.)

If you've made it this far, I am so very sorry.

Today's bRoKEN nEwS was brought to you by...

Regressive Insurance

Our motto: "Birth control? Who needs that?" 

That's...   Regressive Insurance

Thank you and until next time, remember to be good to one another.

AMERICA!

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