Today on Cinema Sunday, I turn my attention to a movie that I saw at a science fiction convention around 1984. Since then I've caught it on TV a couple of times and last week, my wife Andrea and I decided to inflict this movie on our daughter Randie.
Today, I inflict that movie on you, dear reader.
Flash Gordon is a 1980 film based on the classic comic strip by Alex Raymond. This movie is noteworthy for a kick ass soundtrack from the rock group Queen. If the link below is still working, click and give it a listen.
Emperor Ming the Merciless of the planet Mango Mongo is fucking around with Earth because he's bored. For a villain motivation, it's not the worst I've ever heard. He's attacking the Earth with stock footage natural disasters.
On Earth, stuff happens that puts New York Jets football star "Flash" Gordon and travel agent Dale Arden on a rocket ship with Dr. Hans Zarkov. Zarkov,
Off to Mango Mongo they go where they are captured by Ming. Ming makes plans for the three:
- Flash Gordon will be executed by Ming's guards.
- Dr. Zarkov will be brainwashed by Ming's scientists.
- Dale Arden will be fucked by Ming's penis.
Some things a man's gotta do for himself. Don't fret for Dale's virtue just yet. Dale Arden ravishment is delayed because Ming wants to put a ring on it. An old fashioned dude, our merciless one.
Dale gets away with some help from Dr. Zarkov who it turns out is too smart and/or crazy to be brainwashed.
Flash Gordon is just too much of a hunk to die. Ming's lust filled daughter, Princess Aura, arranges for Flash's death to be faked so she can have his hunkiness for her own.
But Flash is just too darn good and refuses to succumb to Aura's lusty lust. He's gotta save Dale, he's gotta save the Earth and damned if the oppressed people of Mango Mongo couldn't use a little saving too!
Flash Gordon winds up on Dagobah Arboria where he meets James Bond Prince Barin who is in love with Aura and doesn't trust Flash's request that they should work together to defy Ming.
Then stuff happens and we're with the Hawkmen now in Sky City ("Come to Sky City where we have the lowest prices in the whole tri-county area!"). Prince Vultan is even less willing than Barin to heed Flash's call for unified defiance against Ming.
Aura gets captured by Ming's own Darth Vader named Klytus. Her treachery of saving Flash Gordon and cavorting with Prince Barin gets her clamped face down on a table and tortured with bore worms.
Aura: "NO! Not the bore worms!"
The audience watching this movie: "YES! The bore worms!"
Dale gets re-captured and the wedding is back on! Ming's got fucking to do!
Flash Gordon and Prince Barin fight to the death for reasons but when Flash saves Barin's life, the prince realizes he loves Flash.
But only in Spanish!*
*To my daughter Randie, that Supernatural themed joke will NEVER get old!
Prince Vultan of the Hawkmen figures the movie is almost over and needs a big epic scene to finish. So a shit ton of Hawkmen fill the sky as Flash Gordon leads an attack on Mango Mongo to take down Ming once and for all.
When told that Flash Gordon is approaching, one of Ming's minions asks this pertinent question: "What do you mean 'Flash Gordon is approaching?'"
I'm not sure why, I just find that line fricking hilarious. It's almost as funny as "No! Not the bore worms!"
Well, Flash Gordon... approaches and Ming gets stabbed.
With a space ship.
The Earth is saved and Flash gets the girl.
The final frame shows Ming's ring being picked up by the hand of an unseen person. Ming's evil laugh echoes as the ending credits roll. The words on "The End" on screen are amended to now read "The End?"
How can it not be the end? Ming was stabbed with a space ship.
A SPACE! SHIP!!
OK, Flash Gordon is straight up a bonkers film, a Day Glo mess of a movie that's dumb as a rock but damned if I'm not entertained every time I see it.
There was some confusion about what the tone of the movie should be. Director Mike Hodges wanted a more serious approach while producer Dino De Laurentiis wanted to make Flash Gordon humorous.
Lorenzo Semple Jr who wrote for the 1960s Batman series and wrote the screenplay for Flash Gordon had this to say.
At the time, I thought that (humorous) was a possible way to go, but, in hindsight, I realize it was a terrible mistake. We kept fiddling around with the script, trying to decide whether to be funny or realistic. That was a catastrophic thing to do, with so much money involved... I never thought the character of Flash in the script was particularly good. But there was no pressure to make it any better. Dino had a vision of a comic-strip character treated in a comic style. That was silly, because Flash Gordon was never intended to be funny. The entire film got way out of control.
Things were so out of control that Sam Jones (Flash Gordon) quit before the movie was finished. Another actor was brought in to dub some of Flash's dialogue.
Flash Gordon was primarily filmed in England so naturally there are connections to Doctor Who.
- Brian Blessed (Prince Vultan) was in the 6th Doctor adventure "Mindwarp". (Side note: Blessed was offered the part of the 2nd Doctor in 1966 but had to turn it down due to scheduling conflicts.)
- Peter Wyngarde (General Klytus) was in the 5th Doctor story, "Planet of Fire".
- Future James Bond actor Timothy Dalton (Prince Barin) would be Rassilon in the 10th Doctor finale, "The End of Time".
Despite the absurdly camp humor of the movie, Flash Gordon hues remarkably close the source material, Alex Raymond's classic comic strip. Below is a sample of Raymond's work.
Alex Raymond was ahead of his time as a comics illustrator.
Flash Gordon is a silly contraption of a movie. Even in 1980, it had the feel of an outdated relic of a simpler age.
It is quite a very stupid movie. But if you go into this with that expectation, it is a very stupid movie that is also quite a lot of fun.
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