Hi there! And welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You!
I'm Dave-El and today is Friday and that means another installment of bROkEN nEWs!
Today's bROkEN nEWs is brought to you by the newest technological breakthrough, Google Ass. If you don't know shit about online tech, then Google Ass is for you!
OK, bROkEN nEWs is a coming up in 5...
#BrokenNews "Candidate speaks at cockfight rally" It's great that there's a politician who isn't chicken about doing stupid shit.
#BrokenNews "Madonna pricey underwear stolen" Probably by some perv thinking this underwear has been near Madonna's naughty bits. Hey, dumbass, what hasn't?
#BrokenNews "Nuggets recalled over 'matter'" Turned out to be chicken which, of course, surprised everyone.
#BrokenNews "Ohio Gay couples recognized" Also known as the least interesting gay couples in the world!
#BrokenNews "Miley Cyrus gets a new puppy" It wears more clothes that Miley does.
#BrokenNews "GOP Lawmaker Pulls A Dick Cheney" What? He's in an undisclosed location? He's a clueless sonuvabitch? A cold-hearted bastard? An asshole? Evil? 'Pulling a Dick Cheney' can mean ANYTHING!
Hey, let's do the picture thing!
#BrokenNews "C.I.A. Not Getting Out Of Killing Business Anytime Soon" Have you seen what the C.I.A. charges for killing? This marketplace needs some competition, help bring down prices.
#BrokenNews "U.S. To Send Missile Defense Ships To Japan Following North Korea Launches" Also Alan Alda is being deployed to South Korea.
Uh oh. I think this is a job for the...
Alan Alda played the character of Dr. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pearce on the acclaimed CBS program M*A*S*H. Hawkeye was a doctor in the Korean War who saved lives using his skills as a surgeon AND an expert archer. (Wait, I might be confusing this Hawkeye with the Hawkeye at Marvel Comics.) Anyway, Hawkeye was there for every damn day of the Korean War which according to the history books was 3 years but somebody forgot to tell Hawkeye cause he stayed there 11 years!
So I hope that clears things up for you.
#BrokenNews "Ben Carson's 2016 Plans Are 'In The Hands Of God'" And the financing for those plans is in the hands of the Koch Brothers.
#BrokenNews "California Makes Big Progress On Immigration " By making the state so damn expensive for anyone to go there.
Who wants another helping of bROkEN nEWs IN pICtUrEs?
Too bad! Here's one anyway!
#BrokenNews "Mormon Women Forbidden Access To All-Male Priest Meeting" There's a sign out front that reads "NO Gurls Allowd".
Written in crayon.
#BrokenNews "The Worst Places To Be Stung By A Bee" On your junk would be a pretty bad place to get stung by a bee. Also San Diego.
Hey, hey, hey! It's time for another round of bROkEN nEWs tHAt cOuNtS!....with The Count!
Take it away, Count!
|Hello, kids! And....BLAH! I'm the Count and today we are going to count...ooh boy! Do I have to do this? Really, if the Sesame Street find out about this....?|
Ah, who am I kidding?
This is Dave-El's blog! No one ever comes here to find out anything!
So today we are going to count 8....
yes, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8...EIGHT! things people in America get wrong about...well, you know.
Er, sex, that is.
- It's not tax deductible.
- Yodeling during sex is never attractive.
- Dunking a penis in a glass of milk is not a way to reload it.
- Do not bring out your action figures to use a woman's breasts as a bouncy house.
- The answer to the question "Was it good for you?" is NEVER, "Eh, I've had better."
- That stinging sensation in your genitals? Yeah, that's not a good thing.
- In the event of a mutual orgasm, try to resist the urge to yell "YAHTZEE!".
- People are lying about how much sex they are having; reduce any outrageous claims of sexual adventures by a factor of 10 because they are lying! (Oh, and don't forget to magnify your sex stories by a factor of 10.)
Zee headlines! They have returned!!
#BrokenNews "Christie Capo To Break His Silence" Assuming Christie doesn't break his knee caps. Hey, I'm not saying Chris Christie would bust some squealer's knee caps. That would be wrong. And unproveable in court.
#BrokenNews "Married GOP Rep. Caught Kissing Staffer On Camera" Kissing a staffer? Damn it, that's taking away work from DC area whores! Think of the economy, people!
|Hello, kids! And to make up for that last awkward thing I had to count....|
you know, S-E-X, blah!...
we're going to count ten...
ooh, boy, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10...
TEN things you didn't know about
Er, didn't we do this one already? Ah who cares? No one reads this anyway AND it's not about S-E-X! BLAH!