Friday, April 11, 2014

Broken News for Friday, April 11th, 2014

















Hi there! And welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You

I'm Dave-El and today is Friday and that means another installment of bROkEN nEWs!

Today's bROkEN nEWs is brought to you by the newest technological breakthrough, Google Ass. If you don't know shit about online tech, then Google Ass is for you!  

OK, bROkEN nEWs is a coming up in 5...

4...

3...

2...

__________________________


#BrokenNews "Candidate speaks at cockfight rally" It's great that there's a politician who isn't chicken about doing stupid shit.


#BrokenNews "Madonna pricey underwear stolen" Probably by some perv thinking this underwear has been near Madonna's naughty bits. Hey, dumbass, what hasn't?  


#BrokenNews "Nuggets recalled over 'matter'" Turned out to be chicken which, of course, surprised everyone. 


#BrokenNews "Ohio Gay couples recognized" Also known as the least interesting gay couples in the world! 


#BrokenNews "Miley Cyrus gets a new puppy" It wears more clothes that Miley does. 


#BrokenNews "GOP Lawmaker Pulls A Dick Cheney" What? He's in an undisclosed location? He's a clueless sonuvabitch? A cold-hearted bastard? An asshole? Evil? 'Pulling a Dick Cheney' can mean ANYTHING! 


Hey, let's do the picture thing! 





#BrokenNews "C.I.A. Not Getting Out Of Killing Business Anytime Soon" Have you seen what the C.I.A. charges for killing? This marketplace needs some competition, help bring down prices. 


#BrokenNews "U.S. To Send Missile Defense Ships To Japan Following North Korea Launches" Also Alan Alda is being deployed to South Korea.

Uh oh. I think this is a job for the...


Department of Punchline Explanations
1970's Division

Alan Alda played the character of Dr. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pearce on the acclaimed CBS program M*A*S*H. Hawkeye was a doctor in the Korean War who saved lives using his skills as a surgeon AND an expert archer. (Wait, I might be confusing this Hawkeye with the Hawkeye at Marvel Comics.) Anyway, Hawkeye was there for every damn day of the Korean War which according to the history books was 3 years but somebody forgot to tell Hawkeye cause he stayed there 11 years! 

So I hope that clears things up for you.


#BrokenNews "Ben Carson's 2016 Plans Are 'In The Hands Of God'" And the financing for those plans is in the hands of the Koch Brothers. 


#BrokenNews "California Makes Big Progress On Immigration " By making the state so damn expensive for anyone to go there. 

Who wants another helping of bROkEN nEWs IN pICtUrEs?

Too bad! Here's one anyway! 




#BrokenNews "Mormon Women Forbidden Access To All-Male Priest Meeting" There's a sign out front that reads "NO Gurls Allowd".

Written in crayon.

#BrokenNews "The Worst Places To Be Stung By A Bee" On your junk would be a pretty bad place to get stung by a bee. Also San Diego. 

Hey, hey, hey! It's time for another round of bROkEN nEWs tHAt cOuNtS!....with The Count! 

Take it away, Count! 


Hello, kids! And....BLAH! I'm the Count and today we are going to count...ooh boy! Do I have to do this? Really, if the Sesame Street find out about this....?
Ah, who am I kidding?
This is Dave-El's blog! No one ever comes here to find out anything!
So today we are going to count 8....
yes, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8...EIGHT! things people in America get wrong about...well, you know.
...
Er, sex, that is.
Blah. 

8 Things America Gets Wrong About Sex

  1. It's not tax deductible.
  2. Yodeling during sex is never attractive.
  3. Dunking a penis in a glass of milk is not a way to reload it.
  4. Do not bring out your action figures to use a woman's breasts as a bouncy house.
  5. The answer to the question "Was it good for you?" is NEVER, "Eh, I've had better."
  6. That stinging sensation in your genitals? Yeah, that's not a good thing. 
  7. In the event of a mutual orgasm, try to resist the urge to yell "YAHTZEE!". 
  8.  People are lying about how much sex they are having; reduce any outrageous claims of sexual adventures by a factor of 10 because they are lying! (Oh, and don't forget to magnify your sex stories by a factor of 10.) 


Zee headlines! They have returned!!

#BrokenNews "Christie Capo To Break His Silence" Assuming Christie doesn't break his knee caps. Hey, I'm not saying Chris Christie would bust some squealer's knee caps. That would be wrong. And unproveable in court. 

#BrokenNews "Married GOP Rep. Caught Kissing Staffer On Camera" Kissing a staffer? Damn it, that's taking away work from DC area whores! Think of the economy, people!


#BrokenNewsCookie Monster Corrupted by Neo-Nazis to Lure Kids” But does that sonuvabitch Cookie Monster care? No! As long as he gets his damn cookie fix!

#BrokenNews'Vacationing' Terrorists Mix Rest, Relaxation, Jihad” Packages include swimming, hiking, massages, improvised explosive devices and golf.

#BrokenNewsNetanyahu Throws Wrench Into Middle East Peace Talks” It was an actual wrench. Netanyahu is not big on metaphors.

#BrokenNewsScarlett Johansson Opens Up About Divorce From Ryan Reynolds” She’s a Marvel, he’s a DC; it just wasn’t going to work out.  

Hey, let's wrap up this week's bROkEN nEWs with another edition of Broken News That Counts! 

And heeeeeeeeeereee's...THE COUNT! 


Hello, kids! And to make up for that last awkward thing I had to count....
you know, S-E-X, blah!...
we're going to count ten...
ooh, boy, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10...
TEN things you didn't know about 
William Shakespeare!
Er, didn't we do this one already? Ah who cares? No one reads this anyway AND it's not about S-E-X! BLAH!  


1.       His belly button was an outie shaped like Queen Elizabeth’s head
2.       His middle name was Beauregard
3.       He shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
4.       Instead of “Hamlet”, he wanted to call the play “Little Ham”
5.       He owned a chain of restaurants called “MacBeth’s” (Home of the MacMutton…with cheese!)
6.       Ironically, he had a spastic penis.
7.       He was sexy and he knew it.
8.       He could levitate up to three feet off the ground.
9.       One day Shakespeare was writing when he heard a peculiar buzzing sound. He looked up and saw a pair of bees buzzing outside his open window. “Two bees,” he remarked as he rose to close the window because he feared they may fly in and sting him. Suddenly the bees vanished. Shakespeare wondered if he had imagined them. “Not two bees?” he asked as he shrugged and sat back down to resume writing. Then he heard the buzzing sound again; looking up, he saw the bees again outside his window. “Two bees!” Shakespeare exclaimed as he rose once more to close the window to prevent their intrusion into his room. But no sooner than he stood, the bees vanished. Shakespeare was frustrated. He exclaimed, “Two bees? Or NOT two bees? That is the question.” Then he realized he was hungry so he went downstairs to make himself a sandwich. The end.

10.   Shakespeare died before finishing his sequel, The Tempest 2: Electric Boogaloo

______________________________

And THAT is THAT for this week's bROkEN nEWs!  

Don't forget that today's bROkEN nEWs was brought to you by the newest technological marvel, Google Ass. Make that fat blob you sit on every day work for you with the ALL NEW Google Ass!  

You know what I think bROkEN nEWs 
needs? 

Besides funny jokes?

Culture! 

So today's bROkEN nEWs will conclude with a performance by Bach. 



OK, I'm not sure that's exactly what I had in mind.

Y'all be good to one another now, y'hear? 

"Trump's Budget" or "Mick Mulvaney, You’re An Asshole"

So the Trump White House issued a issued a budget proposal on Tuesday that like most things associated with Trump is beneficial to the v...