Friday, April 18, 2014

Broken News For Friday, April 18th, 2014



Hi there!

Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog with an itching in it's heart and baby, it can't scratch it. 


I'm Dave-El and as this is a Friday, that means we're serving up another edition of bROkEN nEWs, a weekly blog post of news satire. 

I like calling it satire. Satire means if you don't think any of this funny, it's not my fault, it's yours for not being smart enough to get it. 

Sorry about that. 

Let's get bROkEN nEWs underway in 5...

4...

3...

2...

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#Broken News "U.S. Issues Stern Warning To Putin" He can't have any pudding if he doesn't eat his meat.


#BrokenNews "Inside An Anti-Obamacare Summit" Here's the agenda for the summit: 

  • Day One: Why Obamacare Must Go (attendance mandatory) 
  • Day Two: Creating a Workable Alternative to Health Care Reform (attendance optional) 


#BrokenNews "Report: Super-Rich Even Richer Than We Thought!" However, the super fucked are as fucked over as we figured. 


#BrokenNews "Bain Capital Sees Investment Opportunity In Heroin Crisis" Meanwhile, you can buy generic crystal meth at Family Dollar stores real cheap.


#BrokenNews "US Airways Tweets Extremely Graphic Porn Pic" Remember when getting screwed by a major airline was just a metaphor? 


Hey, look! It's the picture thing! 







#BrokenNews "Pastor Blocked From Feeding The Homeless" Well, he wouldn't say who he was feeding the homeless to. 

#BrokenNews "John Edwards Returns To Practicing Law" One thing he doesn't need to practice is being a total douche. He's got that down cold. 

#BrokenNews "The KKK Is WAY More Prevalent Than You Think" KKK angrily denies they are not "prevalent", then asks what "prevalent" means. 


#BrokenNews "First Lab-Grown Vaginas Successfully Implanted Into 4 Teens" Oh it's only a matter of time before this turns into science run amok: giant vaginas escaping the lab, roaming the countryside, guys as clueless as ever as to what to do about them.


Now it's time for bROkEN nEWs tHAt cOuNtS with your host....THE COUNT! 


Hello, kids! Blah! I am the Count!
Today we are going to count some facts about caffeine! I try to avoid caffeine myself, it makes me count too fast. So here are seven...ah, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7...SEVEN worrisome facts about caffeine! Let's see what Dave-El has come up with. Quite frankly, he should lay off the caffeine if you ask me. BLAH! 


7 Worrisome Facts About Caffeine

  1. I don't NEED caffeine. It just comes in handy once in a while
  2. OK, I really NEED caffeine! NOW! 
  3. Seriously, where's the fuckin' caffeine?
  4. I'm going to kill you all if I don't get some caffeine!!
  5. Oh thank God! CAFFEINE! Gimme gimme gimme gimme!
  6. Work faster, caffeine! FASTER, damn you! 
  7. I don't NEED caffeine. It just comes in handy once in a while



#BrokenNews "STUDY: Government Listens To Elites, Lobbyists – Not Average Citizens" On  one hand, that hardly sounds like democracy in action; on the other hand, a lot of average citizens are fuckin' loons so what are ya gonna do? 


#BrokenNews "Jeb Bush Booed At Conservative Summit" Well, he probably deserved it by saying something sensible or reasonable. 

I see London, I see France, 
Are we going to see the First Lady's underpants?




















#BrokenNews "Beef Prices Hit Highest Level In Decades" And not seeing one damn cent from those increased prices? Cows! Makes you wonder why you bother to even get up in the morning and saunter over to the slaughterhouse, huh?



#BrokenNews "Just in time for prom, KFC unveils edible corsage" A convenient place to store a snack for after prom sex. Thanks, KFC!


#BrokenNews "Angelina Jolie 'Lookalike' Forces Cabbie Into Sex, Then Stabs Him Six Times" Lookalike...yeah, right.                                  


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And that's it for this week's bROkEN nEWs. As always, if any part of this presentation caused you any offense or concern, please make feel free to tell our supportive and caring representative in the bROkEN nEWs cOMpLAiNt dEpARtMEnT



Really, he's a complete teddy bear, that guy.

Until next time, be good to one another.  


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