Friday, April 4, 2014

Broken News for Friday, April 4th, 2014




Greetings and salutations! 

This is I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog made from maize, what you call corn. 

I am Dave-El and today is Friday which means another installment of bROkEN nEWs

We've been in re-run mode for a couple of weeks but we're back, baby! Oh yeah, all new material that will make you laugh and make you think or your money back! Sorry no refunds.  

So let's get this show on the road in 5...

4...

3...

2...

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#BrokenNews "Russia Threatened Nations Before Vote" Threats were made using "Do As We Say Or We Will Crush You" floral bouquets from FTD.  (They're gorgeous! I send those on Valentine's Day!) 



#BrokenNews "Annexation Complete: Crimea Switches To Moscow Time" Moscow switches to Hammer Time


#BrokenNews "NSA Stored Hundreds Of Secret Files On Angela Merkel" Biggest secret in those files: Merkel really loves wiener-schnitzel. (A lot!) 


#BrokenNews "Election Office Attacked With Machine Guns, Rocket-Propelled Grenades" Now, Tea Party, that's no way to behave!


#BrokenNews "CIA Misled Government And The Public On Torture " For starters, torture is not the happy fun time type of thing you think it is. Except for that one "terrorist" who kept wimpering "Please hurt me! I've been bad!" Turns out he was just a perv too cheap to pay for a dominatrix. 


Let's do that picture thing we do! 



And it's back to the headlines! 

Oh look! More Putin! 

#BrokenNews "NATO Slaps Russia" Putin strikes back at NATO using the Dark Side of the Force. 


#BrokenNews "Congress Passes Russia Sanctions Bill" Russia will no longer be able to export beets, mail order brides and depressingly existentialist movies.  


#BrokenNews "North Carolina Didn’t Want You To See These Emails" They reveal that Gov. McCrory really doesn't like BBQ that much, the bastard! 


#BrokenNews "House Advances Bill Calling For More Weather Forecasting, Less Climate Change Research" Meanwhile, the bill calling for more Hooters, less Waffle House goes nowhere! 

You know, I think I need a gratuitous pic of some Hooters girls! 




OK, that's better. 

#BrokenNews "Researchers Discover Why Zebras Have Stripes" Because stripes are more slimming that spots. 


#BrokenNews "Can We Handle Life On Mars? " Hell, I'm not sure we can handle life on Earth! 


#BrokenNews "Cameron Diaz Opens Up About Her Sexuality" I really don't care what she...WHAT? You say she's sexually aroused by middle aged married men?! Wow! This is my lucky day! I have to score with Cameron...shit, that's not fair! April Fools was three days ago! 


#BrokenNews "'Top Gun 2' Plot Details Revealed" Wait! Did the first "Top Gun" have a plot? All I remember are a lot of planes and homoerotic subtext. 

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And that's a wrap on this week's bROkEN nEWs! I hope you've enjoyed today's installment. 

Remember, your concerns are important to me so if you have any complaints about today's post, please, I implore you, bring these to the attention of the bROkEN nEWs cOMpLAiNt dEpARtMeNt.


"Really? I don't think so, bub!"

Thank you! 

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Coming up on the blog...

Saturday: Doctor Who stuff!  

Sunday: The return of This (Non) Sporting Lifethe sports blog by a guy who doesn't know much about sports. College basketball is wrapping up and I'm trying (failing miserably) to care. 

Monday: Am I finally over the series finale to How I Met Your Mother? (Spoiler: Probably not.) 

Tuesday: We've gotta pay the bills, yo! A new And Now A Word From Our Sponsor.

Wednesday: DC Comics and Me gives way to a more expansive venue looking at my life as a reader of comic books. Make way for...Comics Blah Blah Comics! 

Thursday: Dave-El's Poetry Corner. Really.

And back around for another ALL NEW bROkEN nEWs next Friday

Thanks for dropping by and remember, be good to one another.  

Suessical!

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