Friday, April 25, 2014

Broken News...on a Break (April 25, 2014)

Hi there.

Dave-El here and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that asks "Why are the lights in here so damn bright? And why are you shouting?" 

Oh, that's just me? Sorry. 

I hope you all have enjoyed your federally mandated holiday to celebrate the birthday of of yours truly, your humble blog meister.*

*Uh, if you did take the day off to celebrate my birthday and you are not me, you may have a wee bit of explaining to do come Monday morning. 

In anticipation that I may have had a raucous party last night in celebration of my birthday, I have scheduled this, a special edition of bROkEN nEWs oN A bReAk

**I have actually never had a party...raucous or celebrate my birthday. Please, don't feel sorry for me. Just send cash. 

Here in the heart of spring with warmed up weather and bloomed up flowers, let's dial back to the cooler and less vegetative days of Autumn 2013 and see what was going on in headlines. 


November 1, 2013

#BrokenNewsBritney Spears' music used to repel Somali pirates” And if that doesn’t work, Britney Spears herself is strapped to a harpoon* and shot at the pirates!

*Let me go ahead and save you the trouble: if you Google "Britney Spears strapped to a harpoon", the results are most disappointing.

#BrokenNewsPretty Soon You'll Have To Be 21 To Buy Cigarettes In New York” But still only 16 to buy heroin.

November 8, 2013

#BrokenNewsBangladesh Court Sentences 152 To Death For Mutiny” 152 death sentences at one time?! Texas says, “Challenge accepted!”*

*One moment please, bROkEN nEWs must issue a correction: Texas says, “YEE-HAA! Challenge accepted!” bROkEN nEWs apologizes for the error and any inconvenience you may have experienced.

#BrokenNewsMilky Way Teeming With Billions Of Earth-Size Planets” But, unlike Earth, they may actually have intelligent life. (Ouch!)  

November 15th, 2013
#BrokenNews Jenna Jameson Returning To Porn” Well, it was either this or politics and Jenna has her pride, you know.

#BrokenNews UN Reaches Nuclear Deal With Iran” UN says Iran can have nukes, just don’t be a douchebag about it, OK?

#BrokenNews Massive Sinkhole Opens Up In Chicago” Later, the massive sinkhole in Chicago was fatally shot.

November 22, 2013

#BrokenNewsBoehner: Immigration Reform 'Absolutely Not' Dead” It’s just shagged out after a long squawk! Dead? No, it’s just pining for fjords!

#BrokenNews "Scott Walker: GOP Fails To Reach Out To Poor" GOP sets up committee to find who are these "poor" people Scott's talking about.

December 6, 2013

#BrokenNews "Poll Reveals Americans Don't Trust Each Other Anymore" Well, it's a good thing we all have guns, huh?

#BrokenNews "Americans Don't Really Care About Typhoon Haiyan, Study Says" We'd love to help but we spent all our money on Black Friday deals. If it helps, we are heavily armed. Is there anything we can shoot at?

#BrokenNews “China Launches Its First Lunar Probe” Meanwhile, US launches rectal probe past a Hickory Farms cheeseball just to show we’re still in the game.

December 13, 2013
#BrokenNews "GOP'S 'Outreach': Mostly White Audience At Black Event" That white audience did enjoy the special screening of Tyler Perry's "Medea Hears A Who"

December 20, 2013
In Russia" And as you know, Putin is against guy-on-guy jabbing. 

#BrokenNews  "Task Force Urging Limits On NSA Surveillance" Like occasionally sticking fingers in their ears going "We’re not listening! We’re not listening!"


And that's that for this week's bROkEN nEWs. We'll be back ALL NEW next week! 
In the meantime, remember to be good to one another. 

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