Saturday, February 14, 2015

The Obligatory Fifty Shades of Grey Post That All Internet Bloggers Must Write

OK, let's get this over with. 

(That's what she said!) 

Shut up!

So this weekend is the release of the much anticipated movie adaption of the luckiest piece of fan fiction shit ever, Fifty Shades of Grey. The book captivated the imaginations of millions of women who simultaneously denied ever reading it. 

So there's this guy named Christian Grey whose nickname is "Fifty Shades" because, damn he loves his sunglasses. He also buys his favorite sex toys at the Home Depot. Yeah, he likes to tie up women because, well, you know.

Don't make me spell this out for you. 

Anyway, enter one Anastasia Steele which is the most made up sounding name you've ever heard since Christian Grey a couple of paragraphs back. Anastasia shows up to interview Christian. He's all sleek in his Armani suit, she's all mousy with her floral print dress. Sparks fly as they tend to do in these plot points developed while masturbating. The plot demands it if we're going to get to good stuff. 




So one thing leads to another blah blah blah etc etc etc, move it along, people, this woman isn't going to tie up and spank herself, you know. 

Although badly written, the book indulges in something that a lot of erotic fiction oddly enough don't focus on, female orgasms. 

In the book, Ana gushes and opines with lurid and overwrought thoughts of just how fucking wonderful her orgasms are at the mercy of Christian Grey's kinky inclinations. 

Oddly enough, such scenes are not seen on screen during the movie. The scenes of Christian inflicting pain on Anastasia in his Red Room are in the film but Ana's explosions of ecstasy are not. Wow! American movies can be so fucked up. In a movie that conflates torture and sex, the pain of torture is OK but we dare not show the pleasure of sex. 

Now here's a Fifty Shades thing I really enjoyed, a parody starring Saturday Night Live's Vanessa Bayer brought to you by Audi. (Kinky sex = Audi? So I guess that's a thing.)  




And this is pretty damn funny too: Fifty Shades of Grey ...done with Legos




And I think that fulfills my quota as mandated by the American Bloggers Guild to post about Fifty Shades of Grey.  It may not be a great film or even a good film but if you're into that sort of thing, you're bound to like it. 

Sorry. 

But if you're a sexually adventurous person, you should make plans to see this movie unless you're tied up right now. 

Sorry. 

But why is everyone obsessed with this movies? Beats me. 

Sorry.  

I wonder if-

NO MORE BAD PUNS! 

Really, really, I'm bringing this post in for a landing. Tomorrow is a Doctor Who post (Thank you!). Until then, be good to one another. 

Dave-El 
I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You (or turns you on, you sick bastard!) 


"Damn! I hope no one's watching this!" 

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