Hi there! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, your internet home for that slight sad feeling of ennui. I'm Dave-El and I'm a normal carbon based life form mostly.
As you can tell from the banner, we have another ALL NEW edition of bRoKeN nEWs, my attempt at news satire. Satire is a form of humor that, if you don't get the joke, just go to your nearest Starbucks and ask for a barista named Terry to explain it to you.
Today's edition of bRoKeN nEWs is brought to you by....
Teeny, Tiny, Itty-Bitty Post-it Notes
- Ransom notes for kidnapped mosquitoes.
- A diary for incredibly dull people.
- Creating a holy book for a really short religion.
- Notes for Donald Trump's speeches.
And speaking of Mr. Trump, bRoKeN nEWs is also brought to you by...
Donald Trump Toilet Paper
When you take a dump that's yuge, think...
Donald Trump Toilet Paper.
And its perfect for people with small hands.
Enough random patter. Let's launch this bad boy in 5...
Trump Officially Clinches GOP Nomination
That feeling in the pit of your stomach right now? Yeah, don't worry, it's just indigestion.
Nah, I'm fucking with you. The word you're looking for is "dread".
Oh, we thought it was so damn funny, didn't we? Donald Trump running for President? Shit! Let's see what happens! It'll be funny! No worries, he'll get bored and drop out. No? OK, fine. No big. It's not like anyone is going to vote for him, right? People are voting for him? Fuck! You know what? Big deal! So a few nut cases vote for Trump. It's not a big deal. What? He's winning? Double fuck! OK, no need to panic. I'm sure that other Republican candidates will step up and...our best hope is Ted Cruz? Triple fuck! And he dropped out! And there's no one left to run against Donald Trump! And now he has passed the threshold of delegates needed to secure the nomination on the first ballot! And holy fucking fuckery of fucking fuckenstein in fucking fucktania and...
Sorry about that.
Er, let's move on, shall we?
"Just a comic"? How dare the mainstream press demean our sacred, holy texts that remains inviolable until the end of time or the next Secret Wars reboot.
In case you're wondering what in the world of comic books has gotten everybody all worked up....
Apparently Captain America is and has always been and will forever be a secret sleeper agent for Hydra and nothing will ever been the same!!!!
OK, OK, OK! Just take it easy! It could be much worse.
Yeah, I know it's not about hand washing, it's about this whole not wanting to use a bathroom with a banana dressed as an artichoke.
Here's the thing: no, I don't want to share a bathroom with a transgender person. In fact, I don't want to share a bathroom with anybody. At all! I really don't care if the person pooping in the stall next to me is a man or a woman or whatever. What I care about is there's anybody at all pooping in the stall next to me. It's weird and it's gross.
By the way, you know if this was a directive about washing hands, states would still be suing over it because....well, it's Obama, you know.
State Dept. Report Sharply Criticizes Clinton's Email Practices Particularly hitting "Reply All" every single fucking time! Cut that out, Hillary! It's annoying!!
WHAT?!?! He was shilling for Trump a moment ago!
Man, we really can't trust this guy now, can we?
Now Captain America is not so much being evil as just being a dick.
|Merely touching Hillary Clinton's hand|
turned that boy's hair green!
FEEL THE BERN!
Vote Bernie Sanders for President!
He won't turn your hair green!
|Hillary Clinton is smiling. |
Is she thinking about...
1) Her beautiful grandchild
2) How wonderful America is
3) Kicking Bernie Sanders in the balls
Food would be nice.
And yes I'm making a broad assumption that because Kenya is in Africa, there must be starving people there. Does that make me racist? I think I'm just lazy. Besides I'm sure there's at least somebody in Kenya is particularly peckish. And for that person...
Food would be nice.
Speaking of food...
Of course Whitewater would interest Donald; he's really serious about targeting the white vote.
Clinton is actually nostalgic for Whitewater, in the days before email.
OK, you young people out there might be asking, "What's this Whitewater shit?" And I'll remind you to watch your fucking language.
Anyway, Whitewater was this real estate deal that Bill and Hillary Clinton were involved in back in the 1980s. Apparently there was some shady stuff going on with this... whatever it was. But the Clintons were never charged with any criminal activity involved in this mess. And believe me, a lot of people looked for criminal activity.
And kept looking.
It seems the only thing screwy about Whitewater for the Clintons was that they lost money on the deal. Yep, back in the go-go 1980s under Ronald Reagan, the Clintons were the only people in America to lose money in real estate.
Yet here we are nearly 3 decades removed from the Whitewater deal and for the Clintons, it remains the gift that keeps on taking.
Speaking of being too tired....
|Hold on! Obama's still working the drive thru at Hardee's?|
Dude! You need to take a break!
|"Mr. Trump, is your face roasted to your satisfaction?"|
"Perfect! My face smells delicious!"
And speaking of putting us to sleep, let's put this edition of bRoKeN nEWs to bed.
bRoKeN nEWs is a production of a wild night of drunken sex between I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You Entertainment and Dave-El Enterprises Ltd. Inc. Don't judge 'em, OK? Those crazy kids are trying to make this work
The views given in bRoKeN nEWs are not necessarily those of the writer of this blog which I admit doesn't make sense but you don't know what it's really like in here! YOU JUST DON'T KNOW!
Complaints about the content in bRoKeN nEWs should be directed to the bRoKeN nEWs Complaint Desk.
|"Broken News Complaint Desk! |
How may I consume your soul... er, help you?"
Compliments about the content in bRoKeN nEWs
should.... sorry, I really can't go on with the rest of that sentence.
And that's all I got people.