Friday, May 27, 2016

Broken News For Friday, May 27th, 2016


Hi there! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, your internet home for that slight sad feeling of ennui. I'm Dave-El and I'm a normal carbon based life form mostly.  

As you can tell from the banner, we have another ALL NEW edition of bRoKeN nEWs, my attempt at news satire. Satire is a form of humor that, if you don't get the joke, just go to your nearest Starbucks and ask for a barista named Terry to explain it to you. 

Today's edition of bRoKeN nEWs is brought to you by....

Teeny, Tiny, Itty-Bitty Post-it Notes

Perfect for...

  • Ransom notes for kidnapped mosquitoes.
  • A diary for incredibly dull people.
  • Creating a holy book for a really short religion.
  • Notes for Donald Trump's speeches.

And speaking of Mr. Trump, bRoKeN nEWs is also brought to you by...

Donald Trump Toilet Paper

When you take a dump that's yuge, think...

Donald Trump Toilet Paper.

And its perfect for people with small hands.  

Enough random patter. Let's launch this bad boy in 5...


Trump Officially Clinches GOP Nomination

That feeling in the pit of your stomach right now? Yeah, don't worry, it's just indigestion.

Nah, I'm fucking with you. The word you're looking for is "dread". 

Oh, we thought it was so damn funny, didn't we? Donald Trump running for President? Shit! Let's see what happens! It'll be funny! No worries, he'll get bored and drop out. No? OK, fine. No big. It's not like anyone is going to vote for him, right? People are voting for him? Fuck! You know what? Big deal! So a few nut cases vote for Trump. It's not a big deal. What? He's winning? Double fuck! OK, no need to panic. I'm sure that other Republican candidates will step up and...our best hope is Ted Cruz? Triple fuck! And he dropped out! And there's no one left to run against Donald Trump! And now he has passed the threshold of delegates needed to secure the nomination on the first ballot! And holy fucking fuckery of fucking fuckenstein in fucking fucktania and...




Sorry about that.

Er, let's move on, shall we? 

Captain America Story Upsets Fans Who Forget It's Just a Comic

"Just a comic"? How dare the mainstream press demean our sacred, holy texts that remains inviolable until the end of time or the next Secret Wars reboot.  

In case you're wondering what in the world of comic books has gotten everybody all worked up....

Apparently Captain America is and has always been and will forever be a secret sleeper agent for Hydra and nothing will ever been the same!!!! 


OK, OK, OK! Just take it easy! It could be much worse.


11 States To Sue Obama Administration Over Bathroom Directive

Ain't nobody wantin' Obama tellin' nobody they have to wash their hands, no way, no how. 

Yeah, I know it's not about hand washing, it's about this whole not wanting to use a bathroom with a banana dressed as an artichoke.

Here's the thing: no, I don't want to share a bathroom with a transgender person. In fact, I don't want to share a bathroom with anybody. At all! I really don't care if the person pooping in the stall next to me is a man or a woman or whatever. What I care about is there's anybody at all pooping in the stall next to me. It's weird and it's gross.

By the way, you know if this was a directive about washing hands, states would still be suing over it because....well, it's Obama, you know.

I hope Obama's washing HIS hands 'cause look how he's spending his days.   

Obama's working the drive thru at Hardee's.

State Dept. Report Sharply Criticizes Clinton's Email Practices   Particularly hitting "Reply All" every single fucking time! Cut that out, Hillary! It's annoying!!

WHAT?!?! He was shilling for Trump a moment ago! 

Man, we really can't trust this guy now, can we?  

Yes, this is the story of a young woman who was infatuated with a member of a boy band. And now, they're engaged to be married. So what is the lesson we've learned today?

Sometimes that 1 in a million chance does come true, you creepy stalkers out there! 

I used to have this over my bed. So does that mean that Daisy Duke and I still have a chance? 

And yes, I know she doesn't look like that anymore! You didn't need to remind me of that! You meanie! You dream wrecking meanie!

I thought that I might make my smart ass comment from the perspective of a millennial. So here goes! 


<insert snarky comment stolen from an internet meme>

Yeah, I think I nailed it.  

Now Captain America is not so much being evil as just being a dick. 

Why Clinton Is Tied In The Polls With A Widely Reviled Demagogue

 Probably a combination of misogynists and people who don't know what "misogynists" means.  

Merely touching Hillary Clinton's hand
turned that boy's hair green!
Vote Bernie Sanders for President!
He won't turn your hair green! 

Hey, I think this time, I will make my smart ass comment from the perspective of a young, rabid Bernie Sanders supporter. So here goes! 


 <insert snarky "Hillary Clinton is going to jail" remark stolen from a You Tube comment section>

I think I have real gift for getting into the head of today's youth!

Hillary Clinton is smiling.
Is she thinking about...
1) Her beautiful grandchild
2) How wonderful America is
3) Kicking Bernie Sanders in the balls

Bouncy houses? Bouncy houses are fun! That'll spruce up Kenya's oldest national park. Meanwhile, Kenyans wants to know if this fight to save Kenya's oldest national park involves food. You know, just wondering.

Food would be nice.

And yes I'm making a broad assumption that because Kenya is in Africa, there must be starving people there. Does that make me racist? I think I'm just lazy. Besides I'm sure there's at least somebody in Kenya is particularly peckish. And for that person...

Food would be nice.

Speaking of food...

That was...strange.  

 That's Donald Trump for you: using cutting edge campaign strategies from 1992.

Of course Whitewater would interest Donald; he's really serious about targeting the white vote.

Clinton is actually nostalgic for Whitewater, in the days before email.  

OK, you young people out there might be asking, "What's this Whitewater shit?" And I'll remind you to watch your fucking language.

Anyway, Whitewater was this real estate deal that Bill and Hillary Clinton were involved in back in the 1980s. Apparently there was some shady stuff going on with this... whatever it was. But the Clintons were never charged with any criminal activity involved in this mess. And believe me, a lot of people looked for criminal activity.

And kept looking.

And looking.

It seems the only thing screwy about Whitewater for the Clintons was that they lost money on the deal. Yep, back in the go-go 1980s under Ronald Reagan, the Clintons were the only people in America to lose money in real estate.

Yet here we are nearly 3 decades removed from the Whitewater deal and for the Clintons, it remains the gift that keeps on taking.

Univision Anchor Booed At Commencement After Speaking Spanish, Mentioning Trump

Then she spoiled the ending for next week's Game of Thrones and a riot broke out. 

China's just being an asshole because she turned China down for a date. "Oh, we're not good enough to go out with for a lousy cup of coffee, huh?" said China bitterly. 

And a good thing too! Noah's Ark killed the dinosaurs? So stupid! Everyone knows the dinosaurs were killed by the team of the Mighty Samson, Moses and his magic staff and David's dinosaur slaying sling shot. 

Oh, I bet you thought I was going to say Jesus killed the dinosaurs. Ha! Just goes to show that some of you haven't read your Bible. The dinosaurs were gone by the time of Jesus. Now you need to show some respect for the Son of God who saved us from our sins AND the Dalek Invasion of Judea.  

Hell, Greyhound didn't know Greyhound still had buses. "Eh, what? Bus drivers? Are we still doing that?" said a crusty old man at Greyhound HQ. "You whippersnappers get off my lawn!" 

Speaking of being too tired....

Hold on! Obama's still working the drive thru at Hardee's?
Dude! You need to take a break!   

And 99% devoid of souls. Yeah, there are a couple of guys in the back, may still have souls. Don't worry. Trump's got people monitoring the situation in case there's trouble. 

"Mr. Trump, is your face roasted to your satisfaction?"
"Perfect! My face smells delicious!"  

Yes,Donald Trump is keeping us awake at night! So we need you, Mitt! No, not to run for President. Just give us a speech, that will put us to sleep. 


And speaking of putting us to sleep, let's put this edition of bRoKeN nEWs to bed.

bRoKeN nEWs is a production of a wild night of drunken sex between I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You Entertainment and Dave-El Enterprises Ltd. Inc. Don't judge 'em, OK? Those crazy kids are trying to make this work

The views given in bRoKeN nEWs are not necessarily those of the writer of this blog which I admit doesn't make sense but you don't know what it's really like in here! YOU JUST DON'T KNOW!

Complaints about the content in bRoKeN nEWs should be directed to the bRoKeN nEWs Complaint Desk.
"Broken News Complaint Desk!
How may I consume your soul... er, help you?"

Compliments about the content in bRoKeN nEWs 
should.... sorry, I really can't go on with the rest of that sentence.

And that's all I got people.

OK, I did not see that coming.  

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