Monday, September 30, 2013

What's Really Important

Hi, there!


Dave-El here and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog with more cowa AND bunga!


Today, I want to talk about What's Really Important!


No, not the looming government shutdown. So once again, the GOP and the Dems are playing chicken with the Federal budget and neither side is ready to blink even as both rush headlong toward a sharp cliff.


On second thought, I don't think "rush" is the right word here.


This reminds me of a story that Dave Barry told about two drivers in Miami who were in two lanes that were going to merge due to road construction. Neither guy was going to be the one who let the other guy get ahead of him. But this was no high speed breakneck rush over a finish line. With all the construction, the backed up traffic was moving at a crawl...including the two nimrods who were determined to not let the other undermine his manhood by getting ahead. So the two cars crashed into each other. Let me rephrase that: the two SLOW MOVING cars SLOWLY crashed into each other.  As Dave Barry put, it was the world's most avoidable accident.


That's exactly what's going on in Washington as two opposing sides do not rush but rather saunter along towards the cliff. It's a crisis that is completely avoidable and entirely created by guys who are determined to prove their dick is bigger than anyone else's by not giving up a single inch.


And how do we, the American people, benefit from such shenanigans?

...

I'll have to get back to you on that.

So What's Really Important?

The rollout of Obamacare, right? No, not really.  I think I'm OK, at least in the short term. But others are looking at either manna from heaven as health care will be made available for all in a golden utopia of peace, love and understanding OR the fires of hell raining down and burning the American dream to ash and ruin.


The whole debacle with the latest showdown over the Federal budget was sparked by the House GOP once again seizing the chance to kill Obamacare by tying the agreement to a budget to a one year delay of the rollout of the health care reform package. The zeal to try for...what, the 47th time?...killing Obamacare is predicated on the simple premise that whatever Barack Obama wants, do not give it to him. Ever.


Let me say that I don't like calling it "Obamacare". Nothing for or against the man personally, I just thinking hanging anyone's name on what is supposed to be a national initiative to help a large portion of our citizens rings too much as an appeal to the cult of personality. I'm sure his opponents think Obama just loves that but if I had to guess, I think President Obama probably winces every time someone invokes the name "Obamacare". On one hand, if the program is a success, the President knows he'll be criticized for trying to take credit for something that a lot of people had to work together to make happen. On the other hand, if the program fails in anyway, the sole blame will be placed at his feet.


There are a lot of moving parts to the Affordable Care Act and the odds of everything working 100% smoothly from day one are not good. But it is a significant step in dealing with a very real burden on American individuals and families as well as the economy as a whole. Health care costs keep rising and health care insurance keeps getting more and more expensive. Something needed to be done to bring this in check.


Is the Affordable Care Act perfect? Is it a magic bullet that will solve all our problems? No, absolutely not. But the Republican party chose to walk away from the table when the nuts and bolts of the Affordable Care Act were being put together. Any conservative input to those proceedings was lost to the overriding theme that controls everything the Republicans have done since November 2008: whatever Barack Obama wants, do not give it to him. Ever.


If a true bi-partisan approach had been taken with the development of the Affordable Care Act, perhaps we wouldn't be dealing with all this uncertainty over what this act and the future will bring. Perhaps the American people would be more truly understanding what was being done and to what benefit for our lives as well as our economy. With all that, this health care reform would be a success. And it would be a success under President Barack Obama. And the GOP just can't let that happen, can they?


But this is all, sadly, old news. Just bread and circuses except the bread is stale and the circus act just isn't entertaining anymore...if it ever was.


So What's Really Important today? How about this?


The Simpsons' plots to kill off another character ... but who?

Could it be Sideshow Bob? Or

















Sunday, September 29, 2013

Why We Can't Date

 
From Free LOL Jokes.com

















Hello and welcome to I'm So Glad My
Suffering Amuses You, the blog that's looking for love in all the wrong places.

I'm Dave-El and if there's one thing I've proven on this blog time and time again, it's this: I do not necessarily need to have any actual expertise on whatever topic upon which I feel the need to pontificate.

For example, in today's blog, we discuss dating.

When I was single, I sucked at dating. Sucked. At. It. Really badly. The sad irony is that once a man is wise enough to figure out what a woman really wants and can make an appeal to that, that man is too old, too married or too beaten down from being old and married to do anything about it.


Youth is, indeed, wasted on the young.


Anyway, about a week ago, this topic was trending on Twitter: . Like most things on Twitter, if I can think of about 5 to 10 lame jokes to make on a topic, I will weigh in on said topic.

So here we go, brought together in one handy dandy easy to ignore package are my tweets on the topic of .
_______________________________ 
 
you're going to say bad things about my wife.
 

I can't bring my pet with me. Love me, love my giraffe.
 

you don't appreciate the fine culinary experience of dining at Outback by which I mean the McDonald's dumpster out back.
 

you insist on sleeping through our dates. OK, you're in a coma, I get it! Can we move on?
 

you keep giving me oral sex under the dinner table because mom & dad are looking at me funny.   
   


you're a vampire cause I too am a vampire & we would be too much alike. 


you won't let me bring my other date along.


you keep tasering my gonads over & over. (I'll let you know when I'm ready for that


you insist on bringing your homework with you on our date. Yes, I know: 6th grade math is hard!    


OK, that one is kind of pervy in a pedophilia kind of way. So I started thinking, maybe I should have...what do you call them? Yeah, standards.
  

So here are two that did NOT make the cut to be on Twitter:
 
 you keep screaming, "Get away from me! HELP!" This is SO awkward, people are starting to stare.

 we're related. Dating my sister is WRONG! Even if you're hot. Uh, you did know you were adopted, right?


Rape and incest jokes? Really? That is so, so wrong and I'm so very, very sorry.


Even though you gotta admit, the sister one is kind of funny, right? I mean, WRONG! Bad blogger! Bad!


Well, despite the foray into morally questionable material, I hope you've enjoyed my little segment on . If you are single (or allegedly single) and on the dating scene, remember you are a valuable and important individual and you should not be ashamed to have standards on who you date.

And if you don't have standards. please feel free to share the salacious details as I am old and married and have a diminished capacity for pleasure.

Thank you and I'm so glad my suffering amuses you.



From Extreme Funny Humor.com



 

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Doctor Who Saturday: How to Make a Whovian Mad

Hello, Whovians! 


 
I'm Dave-El and this is I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, a blog that is wibbly-wobbly but not so much timey-wimey! (I'm working on it!)


Welcome to another installment of Doctor Who Saturday where I post stuff Doctor stuff. If you're wondering about The Nemesis Who Stole Time, the storyline returns next week and if all goes according to plan, the next three (and hopefully concluding) installments will post over the first three weeks of October.


Today I'm taking a break from that to talk about this:

How to make a Whovian mad!

Well, one way, according to my wife, is to post part 9 of a Doctor Who story and make people wait TWO weeks for part 10.

Ha. Ha.

But seriously, how do you make a Whovian mad?

Now, I think Whovians as a whole are not easily inclined to anger. We like to think we can be like the Doctor, wide eyed about the world around us and embracing of the people we find in it. Oh, the Doctor can get angry but he usually reserves that for those who threaten innocents.

Whovians are a tight knit community. Doctor Who may be more popular on a worldwide basis than it has ever been but even as the number of Doctor Who fans continue grow, there is still a sense of community amongst us as we watch over this silly sci-fi spectacle that has come to mean so much to so many. As such, we look out for one another as we look for others to bring into the fold. This kind of connection lends itself to friendship or, at the very least, understanding.

One thing that can make Whovians mad are those who disrespect this spirit of connection. We may disagree on who's the best Doctor or our favorite companions or if Steven Moffatt is a genius or not. But over 50 years, so many people have done so many different things with the show that such differences are inevitable. But when someone comes down hard on someone else's opinion, belittling that person, true Whovians will not stand for it. 

But that's a broad vision of Doctor Who fandom. What about...the little things?


Since we are protective of the adventures of this mad man with his blue box, there are things...admittedly little things...mostly but they irk us. We get seriously irked.

Here are a couple:

1) The show is Doctor Who, not Dr. Who. The funny thing is to me, the only place I've ever actually seen Dr. Who used is in the British press. But that abbreviation is an irritant to Dr.---excuse me, Doctor Who fans everywhere. We don't want to see our show diminished in any way and that includes NOT using the diminutive of Doctor.

2) Matt Smith is The Doctor, not Doctor Who. Peter Capaldi is going to be the next Doctor, not the next Doctor Who. Now this is an understandable mistake for those newly exposed to this program.

Doctor Who show + Doctor character = the character is Doctor Who, right?

But this is one of those arcane bits of Who knowledge we like to share with the newly minted fans. But it's particularly bothersome when journalists and talk show hosts (again, I've primarily seen this in clips from British shows) say things like, "We're going to talk to the new Doctor Who" even as they profess to be fans of the show. Is there anyone at least doing rudimentary research on this things?

But these and similar points are rather nitpicky things.

But do you really want make a Whovian really, REALLY mad?!

Say these words:


American Doctor Who.


Ooh boy.


OK, full disclosure. I'm in the United States and you may imagine that we are all insanely proud of our country, drunkenly chanting "USA! USA! USA!" with American flags painted on our beer bellies. Well, I don't do that but I guess I am proud to be an American. So understand me when I say this:


The Doctor should never, ever
under ANY circumstances
be portrayed by an American actor!


There. I hope I've made myself clear.

However....

A few years ago on a Doctor Who fan page on Facebook, I posted the following as a purely intellectual exercise:

Imagine the impossible and utterly horrible situation if the BBC could no longer afford to make new episodes of Doctor Who but an American studio said, "We can make new episodes but we insist the new Doctor AND his companion should be played by American actors." In this completely NIGHTMARE scenario that will never, ever happen and I should be shot for suggesting such a terrible thing, what American actor and actress do you think would make a tolerable Doctor and companion in a show that we all will recognize as an abhorrent abomination against all that is good and decent?

Am I in favor of such a thing, an American Doctor? What, am I being too subtle?

Seriously, I am clearly not; I do not really want this to happen. It's just a creative exercise.*

*Like the time I developed the idea of a Gilligan's Island motion picture directed by Martin Scorsese with Robert DiNiro as the Skipper and Dustin Hoffman as Gilligan. David Mamet would write the screenplay.


A few people got the gag and played along but others were less understanding. One commenter, understanding it was only an speculative exercise, still thought it was too terrible a thing to contemplate even as a silly creative exercise.

Whew!

By the way, my picks for The Doctor and his companion for the never will be made atrocity that would be the hated and maligned American Doctor Who?

Rainn Wilson from The Office (American version, natch!) and Miranda Cosgrove from iCarly.

 



Really?

Really.

I would be willing to discuss my reasoning but any Whovians who have read this far are probably washing their eyes out with soap so I will let that be.

But as unlikely as my speculative example, there is another possibility for an American based Doctor Who that rears its head on occasion: a major feature length Doctor Who motion picture.

Harry Potter director David Yates floated the idea that a Doctor Who movie might be on the horizon. Whether such a thing is happening or not is unknown. No more has been heard from Yates and Steven Moffat said there's nothing going on there. (And we can all trust the Moff, right?) IF it were to happen, any Doctor Who movie is not going to play out with David Tennant or Matt Smith on the big screen and it sure won't be some up and coming British TV star. It won't be a American TV star either.

No, the Doctor in a Doctor Who motion picture will have be a big name to garner publicity and interest in the role and the film.

The Doctor would be...Johnny Depp.



And every one screams:

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!"

Well, if it's not Johnny Depp, it's going to be Steve Carell.




And every one screams again:

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!"


All of sudden, Rainn Wilson and Miranda Cosgrove don't seem like such a bad idea, does it?

I know, I know! Always a bad idea! ALWAYS!


Now relax! I think if there was ever any situation where an American TV network or movie studio wanted to make Doctor Who, chances are still strong the Doctor will be from the United Kingdom. We Americans love English accents as well as Irish lilts and Scottish baroques.

We fell head over heels for John Oliver while he was filling in for Jon Stewart on The Daily Show. We got to hear a guy tell us how screwed up our country is...in an English accent! We loved that!
 
 
So ultimately Whovians, there's no need to get mad over something that will never happen like an all-American Doctor Who. And let go of the little things like "Dr. Who" and "now playing Doctor Who". These are small issues and not worthy of our ire.

Little things like that time when the Doctor said he was half-human.

And every one screams:

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!"

___________________________

Next week on Doctor Who Saturday, the return of The Nemesis Who Stole Time as we learn the fate of (some) of our characters and if I didn't have enough to juggle, two more former companions will pop up.

And the TRUE identity of The One is revealed as we learn the shocking truth of who really is....The Nemesis Who Stole Time.

Part 10 in ONE week!






Friday, September 27, 2013

Broken News for Friday, September 27, 2013





Hello!

I'm Dave-El and welcome to...
 I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You!


Today is Friday which means a new installment of bROkEN nEWs!

This installment is being brought to you by Ted Cruz Fertilizer! The best fertilizer you can buy!

And what is Ted's secret to great fertilizer?

PREMIUM BULLSHIT!

And there's never been a better time to buy! The BIG Cruz-a-Thon sales event is going on RIGHT NOW!
Let's watch!
 
So come on day and get some Ted Cruz Fertilizer today!

We'll check in more with the Cruz-a-Thon later.
 
But now....bROkEN nEWs!
In 5...
4....
3...
2...
_____________________________



#BrokenNews “Agreement Reached On UN's Syria Resolution” Which reads, “Nobody say nothing, nobody do nothing, capiche?"
 

#BrokenNews “Senate Confirms First Openly Gay Circuit Court Judge” Court will be in session and FABULOUS!
 

#BrokenNews “Brazil's President Goes After U.S. Spying At U.N.” She says we’re not spying on Brazil enough and it hurts their self-esteem.


 
#BrokenNews “Gun Lobbyist Kills Elephant In NRA-Sponsored TV Show” The elephant was wearing a hoodie and “acting suspicious”.


#BrokenNews “Gun Control Advocates: We Haven't Given Up” Just like Wiley Coyote didn’t give up trying to catch Road Runner, right? 
 
 
We have MORE bROkEN nEWs! in just a moment but first, let's check in on the Ted Cruz Fertilizer Cruz-a-Thon!
 

Remember, better bullshit makes better fertilizer and there's NO fertilizer like...
Ted Cruz Fertilizer!
 
 
Now back to bROkEN nEWs!


#BrokenNews “Dad accused of leaving child outside strip club  What? He should take the kid inside? Have you seen the kind of people in those places?


#BrokenNews “Large bear gets stuck in Florida treeBear is really worried George Zimmerman might come along any minute!



#BrokenNews “The Biggest Mistakes You're Making At The Grocery Store” Having sex in the breakfast cereal aisle is definitely one of them…so I’ve heard.


And now it's time for....

 









 









Before we get back headlines....

How are things going with the Cruz-a-Thon at Ted Cruz Fertilizer? Well, let's see!





And now....back to the headlines!


#BrokenNews “Peyton Manning Keeps Making History” It’ll come crashing down when we find out Peyton’s really a Terminator robot. 


#BrokenNews “Hillary Clinton's 2 Huge Vulnerabilities Exposed” Her hook shot and her perimeter defense. (But her 3 pointers are solid so watch out!)


#BrokenNews “'Dexter' Infuriates Fans With Finale Disaster” Dexter gets to skip, jump, press wild flowers, put on women’s clothing, hang around in bars… 
 
#BrokenNews “Miley Cyrus Gets Nude For Rolling Stone” Rolling Stone asks Miley to put her clothes back on.


 
#BrokenNews “Emmys 2013: Biggest
audience since 2005"Next year’s Emmys will
be 3+ hours of NOTHING BUT DEAD
PEOPLE!



And that's this week's bROkEN nEWs!



Thanks to our sponsor, Ted Cruz Fertilizer,

the fertilizer superior to all other brands

thanks to PREMIUM BULLSHIT!  And

speaking of which, let's take one last look at

the big Cruz-a-Thon sales event!






Way to go, Ted! Remember, the best fertilizer

comes from the best bullshit and no one has

PREMIUM BULLSHIT like...

 
Ted Cruz Fertilizer!



Thanks for dropping by.



See you tomorrow for Doctor Who Saturday!



Be good to one another.



Takes us out, Baby Cthulhu!


 


 
 
 

 

Thursday, September 26, 2013

I Don't Feel So Good

Hello & welcome to my little blog, I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You.
 
I am Dave-El.
 
I don't feel so good.
 
No, I'm not sick. I'm not deathly ill. I'm not in great pain.
 
But I also have no energy, no motivation and I do have a low but insistent pain that sort of skitters around my body like hungry pain mice looking for cheese.
 
I'm in that limbo between healthy ("Let's do something, guys!! C'mon!!") and sick ("Oh, why won't this virus just KILL ME already?"). I'm just healthy enough to be expected to do stuff like fold laundry yet just sick enough to think that I don't care if I wear this pair of underwear for a 5th day. 
 
I don't feel so good isn't good for anything. I don't get to pleasure of accomplishing things, of creating things, of doing things and experiencing things like happy, completely well people do.
 
But I also do not get the simple joy of someone fluffing my pillow or bringing me soup or new comics to read.*
 
*No, I am NOT too old to read comics in bed when I'm sick. So THERE!
 
 
I'm not well and I'm not sick.
 
 
I just don't feel so good.
 
 
And when you just don't feel good, you are so SCREWED! You don't get out of nothing.**
 
**Except perhaps screwing.
 
 
I'm still the cook, still the driver, still the worker drone. I don't feel so good? Screw that! Keep doing things until things are done, I feel better or I drop dead.
 
But it's late and quite frankly, if something hasn't been done yet, maybe it just doesn't really need to be done. Or wants to be done.
 
So I'm off to put on my favorite old pajama pants and T-shirt, find something medicine-like (preferably with the letters "PM" after the name) and climb into bed.
 
I hope you don't mind.
 
I don't feel so good.
 
 



Wednesday, September 25, 2013

STRANGE(er) ADVENTURES#16

Hi there, weary internet travelers!

I'm Dave-El and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that blogs so you don't have to!

Since it's Wednesday, it must Strange(er) Adventures. Today's installment is derived from the cover to Strange Adventures#70 by Ruben Moreira. Click here to see the original. 



 
 
 
Yep. White guys. Mayonnaise. Oh, the rivers of my talent run deep, my friends. They run deep.
 
But seriously, it was the 1950's. Why clone white guys? The country was littered with them, all with the same white shirt and tie, the same haircut. White guys in the 1950's were clones already.
 
At least I went another week without resorting to gorillas and bananas. I do believe I've gotten that monkey off my back.
 
Ouch. Sorry.
 
That was something for today. Tomorrow, come by something else.
 
Be good to one another.
 
 
 


Doctor Who Is NEW! Smile

Yes, there was no post on Monday. I was too busy partying hard celebrating my birthday!  OK, fine: yes, it was my birthday. But I've n...