Friday, July 11, 2014

Broken News (ALL NEW!) For Friday, July 11, 2014

Banner art by Bryan Lee O'Malley (Scott Pilgrim) 

Greetings, weary traveller of the internet! I'm Dave-El and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that asks, "If a frying pan slammed into Joan Rivers' face, would she feel it?"

Which is why I guess we won't be interviewing Joan Rivers today.  

Today is Friday which means it's time for bROkEN nEWs! Yes, bROkEN nEWs, the leader in somewhat competent internet news satire-like stuff 'n' junk.  

Today bROkEN nEWs is brought to you by Auntie Depressants, the all natural mood enhancers made by dowager aunts living in a boarding house at the edge of town. When life is getting you down because the dewey passion of youth has become a dried up, bitter husk, get back up with...
Auntie Depressants, now in a new mint jasmine flavor. 

Now let's get to some damn headlines, y'all! 

bROkEN nEWs is off and running in 5...





#BrokenNews "GOP Convention Location AnnouncedOK, Cleveland agreed to do this but it's oral sex only, no kissing and just leave the money on the bedside table, OK? 

#BrokenNews "Chris Christie: HuffPost Raises My Blood Pressure" It has nothing to do with those grilled cheese donuts he has for lunch. 

#BrokenNews "Bringing A Gun Into A Georgia Bar Just Got A Lot Easier" There's no need to worry. What could possibly go wrong in a bar full of drunk, armed rednecks?  

#BrokenNews "Seth Rogen Calls Supreme Court Justices 'A**holes'" Seth Rogen said it so it must be true! 

#BrokenNews "How Right-Wing Extremists Took Over Texas" Nobody else wanted it?*

*Please don't shoot. 

#BrokenNews"GOP Lawmaker: Climate Change Is 'The Greatest Deception In The History Of Mankind'" Really? Even greater than "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter"

Let's do the picture thang!  

Now back to the headliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiines! 

#BrokenNews "Republicans Get Behind Boehner's Lawsuit Against Obama" And so begins another...

 Operation: Fucking Waste Of Time

(These usually turn out so well, don't they?) 

#BrokenNews "How Boehner Plans To Take Down Obama" With an army of ninjas! 

#BrokenNews "American Dissatisfaction With Everything Is Reaching Historic Levels" When it comes to bitching and whining, all other countries can suck it! Go USA! USA! USA!

#BrokenNews "In Defense Of Hot Dogs, America's Most Underrated Meat" CORRECTION: America's most underrated meat-like substance

#BrokenNews "Kim Kardashian Offers Parenting Advice" If it has something to do with getting the best camera placement for shooting your sex tape, I'd listen to her.  

#BrokenNews "Chris Christie Vetoes Gun Control Bill" Because sometimes there are guys in New Jersey who fuckin' deserve to get fuckin' whacked and we don't want any silly little fuckin' gun control law getting in the fuckin' way of that, now do we?

Ooh, let's look at some pictures again! 

The headlines, they are not done yet! 

#BrokenNews "Barbara Walters' Surprising Pick For The Sexiest President" Millard Filmore?! Man, I did NOT see that coming.  

#BrokenNews "NYT: Have Republicans Shut Themselves Out Of White House?"
"I thought you had the keys!"
"No, you said YOU had them!" 
"No, I did not!"
"Did too!"
"Did not!"
"Did too!" 

#BrokenNews "Postal Worker Caught On Video Hurling Packages Into Ravine" Wow! A postal worker actually had packages?!?!

#BrokenNews "New Harry Potter Ride Comes With One Downside: A 7.5 Hour Wait Time" Almost enough time to watch The Deathly Hallows again. 

#BrokenNews "The Simple Trick To Better Sex Is Hiding In Your Kitchen" Mayonnaise?!

#BrokenNews "Katie Holmes Poses Topless In Sexy Photo Shoot" And Tom Cruise weeps bitter tears over letting Katie get away. Well, he would if he wasn't gay.*

*What? We don't know that? C'mon, he's gotta be gay! I've seen Top Gun!    


And that's that for this week's bROkEN nEWs. Thanks for coming by to visit and if there was any part of today's post that caused you any concern or offense, please bring this to the attention of the bROkEN nEWs complaint department. 

And look who's working the desk today. It's Gov. Jan Brewer (R - AZ)! Hey, do you think you can help out any of our readers who might...? 

Never mind. 

Everybody, be good to one another. 



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