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| She's not faking it! Really, she's not! Oh, shut up! |
Hi there and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You and I am Dave-El, strange visitor from down the street what writes this here blog thing.
Today is Friday which means we have another edition of bROkEN nEWs.
Today, bROkEN nEWs is brought to you by....
Puppy Licks Baby Cleaners
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And by Money Makers!
Making money is a hard and brutal business and quite frankly, you don't need all that stress and pressure.
That's where Money Makers comes in. While you enjoy the blessed freedom that comes with an austere lifestyle and a vow of poverty and sacrifice, we'll take on the terrible burden of actually making money. And as an added benefit, we'll spend it for you too.
Money Makers: We make money so you don't have to!
And now it's time for bROkEN nEWs in 5...
4...
3...
2...
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#BrokenNews "Rick Perry Slams Rand Paul On Foreign Policy" I would say this is the pot calling the kettle "black" but the GOP has enough problems with minorities.
#BrokenNews "U.S. Steps In To Avert Political Crisis In Afghanistan" If that works out, maybe the U.S. will try to avert political crisis in the U.S.
#BrokenNews "Marco Rubio: I Can Beat Hillary Clinton" Not so fast, Marco; Hillary has a pretty mean right hook that leaves you cold, says Bill Clinton.
#BrokenNews "City's First Legal Pot Shop Runs Out Of Marijuana" Really? Cause there's a dude down the block who can set you up real quick, know what I'm saying?
Hey, have we got pictures?
Yeah, we've got pictures!
Can we look at 'em?
Why the hell not!
#BrokenNews "Eric Holder Rips Into Sarah Palin" To find her filled with a gooey caramel center.
#BrokenNews "Chinese Man Accused Of Hacking Boeing For Military Secrets" Meanwhile, CIA beginning to think those fortune cookie messages are not all they're cracked up to be.
#BrokenNews "Argentine Soccer Player Tore His Anus Making Block"
On the one hand: DAMN! That's got to be one mother of a painful injury! Wow, I can't contemplate the terrible ordeal this poor soccer player must be going through. I can only hope and pray for a speedy and complete recovery.
On the other hand, I've come up with more than one snarky comment so it's time for...
- Well, that's a pain in the ass.
- He's going to be the butt of a lot of jokes.
- Is his career at an end?
- Doctors still need to assess his condition.
- He had a lot of opportunities for his future but with that play he may have "rectum".
- Now THAT is a screaming asshole.
- That's some painful shit right there.
- Despite his injury, he's still "rear end" to go.
Seriously, dude, get better! And nobody else out there tears their anus doing anything, you hear me? Because....damn!
Back to headlines.
#BrokenNews "Cheney Pushes Same War Junk As '02" But people will just wander off for a beer or go to the restroom if he pulls out new material. His fans just want to hear the classics.
#BrokenNews "Nixon's Secret White House Tapes Released" This may be just enough to give Tricky Dick more posthumous releases than Tupac Shakur.
#BrokenNews "Signs Of A Shift On Gay Marriage Among Top Republicans" Gay people want lower taxes too!
Hey! More pictures, y'all!
#BrokenNews "GOP Offers Birth Control Bill That Literally Does Nothing" So it fits in well with the overall GOP theme.
#BrokenNews "Gun-Toting Conservative Groups Protest Central American Children" It's just so the Central American children will feel right at home.
#BrokenNews “Dallas Latino Leaders Mobilize Forces for Border Kids” Remember this is Texas: I’d double check on the exact meaning of “mobilize forces”.
#BrokenNews “Taco Bell Tests Plowing More Meat Into Meals” As long as there are no pesky questions about where the meat comes from.
And before we bring this in for a landing, let me extend a heartfelt "Happy Birthday" to the love of my life, Arianna Huffington.
Ah, my darling Arianna! You are as beautiful today as you were when you first took out that restraining order against me.
Oh, you're such a kidder!
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And that brings us to a close for this week's bROkEN nEWs. Thank you for dropping by and I hope you enjoyed today's installment of silliness and insanity.
However, if there was any part of today's
bROkEN nEWs that caused you any offense or concern, please bring these to the attention of our complaint department.
And look who's on the desk this week.
DAMMIT!
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Tomorrow:
Doctor Who Weekend rolls around with part 1 of a brand new fan fiction by yours truly, Time of the Dominion. It's an ALL NEW 12th Doctor story (Yes, 12th!) to carry us through to August 23rd when the actual professional episodes start.
Until then, be good to one another.
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