Friday, September 5, 2014

Broken News (All NEW) for Friday, September 5th, 2014



















Hello there! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that proudly does not post pictures of nude celebrities.

Hey, where did everybody go? Get back here! OK, you perverts, I will add a picture of a naked woman by the end of today's post, OK? 

Dave-El here and before we get going with today's post, I want to take a brief moment to offer my condolences on the loss of Joan Rivers. It seemed like she would be with us forever and God knows with all the plastic surgery, she certainly tried. Now she has moved on to criticize the fashion choices of even bigger names. 

"St. Peter, why are you dressed like a hippie? Who does your wardrobe, Bed, Bath and Beyond? Last time I saw a outfit hang that loosely on someone was Calista Flockhart wearing anything! Oh, you know it's true! C'mon, St. Peter, you're working the door at the most important joint ever! Dress like it! Some Armani couldn't hurt and you can put that outfit back on the bed you took it from! Oy!" 

God bless, Joan Rivers and may you rest in peace.

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If today is Friday, then it's time for bROkEN nEWs! We're back to ALL NEW this week and, as always, only PARTIALLY FUNNY! This is my promise to you, the reader.  

So let's get this baby rolling, 'kay?

bROkEN nEWs is up in 5...

4...

3...

2...

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#BrokenNewsFBI Addressing Leak Of Nude Celebrity Photos” They are going to examine each and every photo very carefully looking at boobs, I mean looking for clues! CLUES!

Naturally, everyone is scrambling around the internet trying to find naked pictures of Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton and more. People WANT to see people like this naked.

However, there are other people we don’t want to see naked pictures of.
 

  • Actor Kelsey Grammer
  • Talk show host David Letterman
  • Ann Coulter (I don't want to see her man parts.)  
  • Also this person: 










  • Me. (Honestly, I don't want to see that.) 
  • Anyone on the Supreme Court. (If you have a hankering to see naked Supreme Court justices, see America The Book by Jon Stewart and the writers of the Daily Show.)
  • Bill O’Reilly of Fox News. Also Wolf Blitzer of CNN and <insert photo here> of MSNBC.
  • Zooey Deschanel. Oh no you don’t, perverts! She’s America’s Sweetheart!
  • Arianna Grande. She’s 22 years old but is any one else kind of creeped out that she’s looks like she’s 13? 
 
I'm going to try this. Ahem! 

Oh, yeah! She's so sexy in that little short dress and...and....I CAN'T DO IT! She looks 13!


























#BrokenNews "EU Looks To Ratchet Up The Pain On Putin" Unless he's into that sort of thing.

#BrokenNews "Putin, Poroshenko Discuss Peace Settlement In Ukraine" Which is basically Putin saying, "Do as we say and no one gets hurt" and Poroshenko being cool with that. 


#BrokenNews Putin Said Russia Could Take Over Kiev In 2 Weeks” Well, maybe in a week but what’s the hurry?


Russian troops stand at attention
for Putin's nasal cavity inspection



 
1.       NATO needs to get some balls.
2.       Putin needs to know NATO means business.
3.       Really, I can’t stress the “balls” thing enough.

#BrokenNews "Ted Cruz Is Not Great At Hiding His Presidential Bid Intentions" He has a lapel button that reads "I have Presidential Bid Intentions" so..yeah.

#BrokenNews "Police Allegedly Use Stun Gun On Black Father Waiting For His Kids" Police thought his story was a crock, I mean, black men are known for hiding from their kids, right? 

#BrokenNews "Justice Department To Probe Ferguson Police Force" Rectally.

Speaking of Ferguson MO, we now take a look at heretofore undisclosed violent encounter during the protests there.


Sadly it IS exactly what it looks like.



















Alas, another sad chapter in the series of unfortunate events that plagued the citizens of Ferguson. Let's hope they can put this...really disturbingly weird incident behind them.


Before we proceed any further, I need to tell you that this part of bROkEN nEWs is brought to you by....


Halliburton's Cajun Seafood Bistro
All our seafood is prepared Cajun Style! All of it!
Remember
Oil's well that ends well...at Halliburton's






















#BrokenNews "Obama: GOP Captive To Ideologically Rigid Group" Translation: "They're a bunch of assholes."

#BrokenNews "Iranian President Won't Talk About Detained Washington Post Reporter" Not until he gets a better deal on his subscription.

#BrokenNews "Al Qaeda Announces New Wing" It's a recreational wing where terrorists can just hang out and relax a bit, you know, get away from the daily "Death to America" grind with some paddle ball or play some games on the X-Box. 

#BrokenNews "Syfy Cancels 'The The Wil Wheaton Project'" Thanks to this news item, people found out Wil Wheaton had a show on the SyFy channel.

Wait! We have a special bulletin from two of our bROkEN nEWs correspondents.


"Hello! Me am Cookie Monster!"
"And I'm John Oliver with an urgent message."
"Me want cookies!"
"Fine but first you need to give our audience
 the urgent message."

"That IS the urgent message: Me want cookies!"
"How is that possibly urgent? You always WANT cookies!"
"Well, me need them most URGENTLY!'
"Sorry for the interruption, Dave-El."
"Me repeat urgent message: ME WANT COOKIES!"
"Him want cookies."
"Urgently!"




































By the way, click here for more of John Oliver and Cookie Monster in action. 


#BrokenNews "Fox News Female Hosts' Jaw-Dropping Comments About Sexism"They're perfectly OK with it because...well it's Fox News.

#BrokenNews "Of Course Kathy Griffin Got Naked For The Ice Bucket Challenge" Because Kathy Griffin is a cruel, cruel woman.


#BrokenNews Financial Crisis Villain Unclear Why Everybody's So Mad At Him” The villain in question is Angelo Mozilo, former CEO of Countrywide Homes, the largest sub-prime lender and a significant factor in the financial meltdown in 2008. And he doesn't see what the fuss is all about. It’s not like he has actually killed anybody. 

You know. Personally.
 
#BrokenNews Vatican Doctrinal Watchdog Insists He Is Not Misogynist” Adding that he’s a big supporter of bitches and skanks. 



Rand Paul would like 
to see a dessert menu.














#BrokenNews "Venomous Albino Cobra On The Loose In Southern California" Meanwhile cops are harassing non-venomous black cobras. Man, white privilege again! 

 #BrokenNews Yemen Protesters Plan Ukrainian-Style Revolution” I thought that said “semen protesters”. Heh! Heh! Heh! (No, I’m not 12; why do you ask?)   


Hillary Clinton feeling kind of sexy
wearing a brand new pair of socks.
















#BrokenNews Supremes Rely On Facts That 'Wouldn't Pass Muster In A High School Paper'” Clarence Thomas’ legal thesis in college was based on his “What I Did On My Summer Vacation” paper he wrote in 5th grade. 


1.       Imagine you're in a relaxing tropical paradise while working out.
2.       Or just imagine you’re working out.
3.       Have someone else do it.
4.       Redefine "workout". Stretching and yawning make for great workouts.
5.       Fuck it, skip the workout and have some ice cream


#BrokenNews "Gov. Gifty GUILTY" Too late, former Virginia governor Bob McDonnell learned that the greatest gift is love. Also don't do stupid shit. 


#BrokenNews "Man Asks For Divorce Because He's Tired Of Sex" OK, we know it's NOT Bill Clinton. 
     
#BrokenNews "Princess Diana's Wedding Dress Is Changing Hands" Graham Norton says it's Simon Cowell's turn to wear it for awhile.  

***NAKED WOMAN ALERT!****
***NAKED WOMAN ALERT!****
***NAKED WOMAN ALERT!****

#BrokenNews "Sofia Vergara is highest paid TV actress at $37 million" Let me just say this: I love you, Sofia Vergara, but not for your body or money but for your mind.

That's not going to work, is it? Sigh!  




But she has such a beautiful...mind.

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Ok, that wraps up this week's bROkEN nEWs. I hope it was entertaining and maybe even a little informative. And oh yeah, naked woman, right, right.  

But if there was any part of today's bROkEN nEWs that offended you in any way, please bring these complaints to the bROkEN nEWs Complaint Desk. 



























Awwww! So cute!! Complaints? What complaints? Oooh, so cuddly! 

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Tomorrow (Saturday) kicks off another 2 day Doctor Who Weekend event with a follow up to last week's post about the Doctors' first episodes; this time, a look at the Doctor's last episodes.

Then Sunday is a review of the latest NEW Doctor Who episode, Robot of Sherwood.

Until next time, be good to one another. 


"Me want cookie!!"

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