Dave-El here and if it's Friday, it's bROkEN nEWs.
It's news satire that is ALL NEW, PARTIALLY FUNNY or your money back.
So let's get them headlines on the move!
bROkEN nEWs is up in 5...
4...
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#BrokenNews "U.S., Allies Unleash Airstrikes On ISIS' Oil Supply"And to deter their access to soft rock, we're targeting ISIS' Air Supply. (Those bastards will never listen to "I'm All Out of Love" again!)
#BrokenNews "Obama To Create World's Largest Protected Marine Reserve" Oh shit! That's where Obama's gonna hide all the secret Benghazi files, guys!
#BrokenNews "Tech Executive: Women Are Just 'Like Men, Only Cheaper'" Psst! Boobs! You forgot boobs, dude!
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| Consumers get their hands on the new Apple Insta-Suck |
#BrokenNews "Karzai Takes One Last Swipe At U.S. In Farewell Speech" Apparently all the orgasms were faked.
#BrokenNews "Global Goal: Thousands March for Climate Change" Look, I really don't have any climate change. Will you accept a climate check?
#BrokenNews "Obama Announces Executive Action On Climate Change" I don't think targeting the environment with light jazz is going to make the climate cooler.
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| Before that officer can take action against Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX), he needs to determine if the governor's finger is loaded. |
#BrokenNews "India Has Made It To The Red Planet" To establish the first call center on Mars.
#BrokenNews "Cop's Tip For Not Getting Raped By A Cop: 'Don't Get Pulled Over'" Also, don't have a vagina.
And my tip for not being a total douche? Don't be that guy.
#BrokenNews "Cosmo Gives Scott Brown The Cold Shoulder" Cosmo is also scrapping it's new article, "37 Sex Tricks to Drive Your Republican WILD!"
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| "I love you!" "I love you too!" "I love you more!" "No, I love YOU more!" |
#BrokenNews "Obama To Threatened Activists: America Stands With You" Well, America stands NEAR you. Kind of over to the side. Hey, America is never more than a phone call away.
#BrokenNews "U2 Working With Apple on New, Secure Music Format" No word on who U2 is working with on a new album that does not suck.
"Abu Qatada Acquitted On Terrorism Charge"
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| Now he's free to pursue his lifelong dream: fronting a ZZ Top tribute band! |
#BrokenNews "Thriller: Seattle Edges Denver in Super Bowl Rematch" So congratulations to Peyton Manning and the Broncos for at least beating the damn point spread this time instead of at the Super Bowl WHEN IT FUCKING COUNTED!!! (No, I am not bitter.)
#BrokenNews "Restaurant Selling Sex Toys With Burgers" McDonald's should sell sex toys with breakfast; they already have the McMuffin on the menu, that's half the work done right there.
And now, bROkEN nEWs presents....
THE SKEEVIEST HEADLINE OF THE WEEK!
Next, actor Matt Damon will close us with a prayer.
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| "Dear Lord, thank you for my family and friends. Thank you for the blessing of my wonderful career. And thank you, Lord, for whoever invented caller ID so I don't have to talk to Ben Affleck. Amen." |
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And so it comes to past that our wandering through the desert of bROkEN nEWs has come to an end as we now enter the promised land of...well, the end of this post.
If you would like a transcript of today's edition of bROkEN nEWs, then hit the print button, you lazy bastard.
The opinions expressed in bROkEN nEWs are pretty fucking stupid if you ask me.
And now a word from outgoing US Attorney General Eric Holder:
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| "Adios, suckers!" |
Thank you, Eric.
Y'all be good to one another, OK?
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I'll be a penguin in a fez if it ain't Doctor Who Weekend again!
Saturday: Can a companion get some lovin'? Find out in Love's Labours WON!
Sunday: A new Doctor Who episode means a new review. Doctor Who Is NEW assess the latest adventure of the Doctor and Clara, The Caretaker.
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Wait! Before I finally close this down, I believe President Obama also wants to lead us in prayer before we go.
Take it away, Mr. President.
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| "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" |
And we are out of here!
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