Broken News For Friday, September 26th, 2014

Hi there and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that has one hand its pocket and the other is saluting you with a latte.

Dave-El here and if it's Friday, it's bROkEN nEWs





















It's news satire that is ALL NEW, PARTIALLY FUNNY or your money back.  

So let's get them headlines on the move!

bROkEN nEWs is up in 5...

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#BrokenNews "U.S., Allies Unleash Airstrikes On ISIS' Oil Supply"And to deter their access to soft rock, we're targeting ISIS' Air Supply. (Those bastards will never listen to "I'm All Out of Love" again!) 

#BrokenNews "Obama To Create World's Largest Protected Marine Reserve" Oh shit! That's where Obama's gonna hide all the secret Benghazi files, guys!  

#BrokenNews "Tech Executive: Women Are Just 'Like Men, Only Cheaper'" Psst! Boobs! You forgot boobs, dude!


Consumers get their hands on the new Apple Insta-Suck


#BrokenNews "Karzai Takes One Last Swipe At U.S. In Farewell Speech" Apparently all the orgasms were faked.

#BrokenNews "Global Goal: Thousands March for Climate Change" Look, I really don't have any climate change. Will you accept a climate check?

#BrokenNews "Obama Announces Executive Action On Climate Change" I don't think targeting the environment with light jazz is going to make the climate cooler. 




Before that officer can take action against Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX),
he needs to determine if the governor's finger is loaded. 

#BrokenNews "India Has Made It To The Red Planet" To establish the first call center on Mars. 

#BrokenNews "Cop's Tip For Not Getting Raped By A Cop: 'Don't Get Pulled Over'" Also, don't have a vagina.

And my tip for not being a total douche? Don't be that guy.  

#BrokenNews "Cosmo Gives Scott Brown The Cold Shoulder" Cosmo is also scrapping it's new article, "37 Sex Tricks to Drive Your Republican WILD!" 


"I love you!"
"I love you too!"
"I love you more!"
"No, I love YOU more!"

#BrokenNews "Obama To Threatened Activists: America Stands With You" Well, America stands NEAR you. Kind of over to the side. Hey, America is never more than a phone call away. 

#BrokenNews "U2 Working With Apple on New, Secure Music Format" No word on who U2 is working with on a new album that does not suck.  

"Abu Qatada Acquitted On Terrorism Charge"


Now he's free to pursue his lifelong dream:
fronting a ZZ Top tribute band!




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