Friday, September 19, 2014

Broken News for Friday, September 19th, 2014

Hi there! I'm Dave-El and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog where Taylor Swift gets all her fashion tips.

Today is Friday and that means it's time yet again for another edition of bROkEN nEWs, ALL New, PARTIALLY Funny! 

And why do I do this every Friday? Because I CARE, dammit! Yes, I care! 

Or is it because I DON'T care? Yes, I just don't care! 

OK, it's one or the other. It's not really that important. 

Today's bROkEN nEWs banner is William Wallace as portrayed by Mel Gibson in the film Braveheart. This seemed to be an apt image as yesterday was Scotland's vote for independence from the United Kingdom. So what happened? Here are your options:
  1. History is made as Scotland votes to be a separate and independent nation, causing many Scots to be angry. 
  2. A reprieve for the current United Kingdom as Scotland votes to remain in the UK, causing many Scots to be angry.
  3. By Friday, the vote is still too close to call, causing many Scots to be confused and angry. 
  4. I lose all interest in this story and forget to check a news site or cable news to see how it all turns out but feel assured that somewhere, many Scots are angry.
And the winner is....Option #2. Which is probably for the best. A Scotland that can still blame stuff on the English is a much happier Scotland. And by "happier", I mean "angry". 

For a comment on Scotland's vote, let's ask this nice gentleman in the funny hat what he thinks.


Apparently he's not happy. 

Or was it something I said?

Let's get bROkEN nEWs  underway in 5...





#BrokenNews "Kerry: U.S. Is 'At War' With ISIS" So if the members of ISIS would dress in matching uniforms and amass at the nearest border, that would be really helpful, thanks!

#BrokenNews "Robert Gates: Boots On The Ground Needed To Defeat ISIS" And if that doesn't work, we'll try Bruno Mahlik high heeled sling backs on the ground.  

#BrokenNews "ISIS bans math, social studies for children" Excuse me, I must speak with my 8th grade daughter: "No, ISIS did not ban math and social studies everywhere so you still have to do your homework. No, you can't declare jihad against homework!"  

#BrokenNews "Obama Praises House Vote On Arming Syrian Rebels" Meanwhile John Boehner's thinking, "Oh shit! Did we do something Obama wanted?!"  

Vice President Joe Biden gets zapped by Joker toxin.

#BrokenNews "North Korea Sentences U.S. Man To 6 Years Of Hard Labor" Oddly enough, he's gets a better vacation package than in the US.  

#BrokenNews "Bernie Sanders Tests The Waters In Iowa" He's always wanted to take a bath in Des Moines.

Hillary Clinton gives speech while
patting the head of her invisible dog

"Cops: Zimmerman Told Driver, 'Do You Know Who I Am? I Will F***ing Kill You'"
George Zimmerman was just telling the driver about his one-man, off-Broadway musical, Son of a Gun: The George Zimmerman Story. Here's part of the show's big musical finale.

Do you know who I am?
I will fucking kill you

I will fucking kill you today! 

If you don't understand

I'm George Zimmerman

So you better get the fuck out of my way! 

So pull up your hoodie and you better run 
Cause I'm gonna count to two and I will shoot you with my gun!

So you know who I am 
I will fucking kill you 
I will fucking kill you today 

I'm George Zimmerman 
I will fucking kill you
I will fucking kill you....

*Bang! Bang!*

Tickets will be available soon so look for ads in New York Magazine and the Village Voice.

#BrokenNews "Bill Maher Says Fox News Is Reason America Is So Polarized" Fox News thinks "polarized" has something to do with that climate change bullshit that liberals are always going on about.

#BrokenNews "Judge Cites Hobby Lobby Case To Excuse Child Labor" And someone out there is going, "Oh boy! Oh boy! We're getting closer to bringing back slavery! Squeeeeeeeee!" 

#BrokenNews "Martha Stewart Slams Gwyneth Paltrow, Says She Should 'Stick To Acting'" And Martha should probably stick to whatever skills she learned in prison.

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) makes statement to the press.

#BrokenNews "Mark Sanford's Fiancee Found Out About Split In The Worst Way" It was on Facebook!

Ha! That's a good one! Yeah, like someone would actually do something that shitty, breaking up over Facebook! Yep, Dave-El, that's one of my better headline jokes....

What? It's not a joke? He really did that?!

Oh geez, this jackass again! This is the former of governor of South Carolina who went missing on Father's Day a few years back with the excuse he was "hiking the Appalachian Trail" which turned out to be a euphemism for "fucking my mistress in Argentina". Yes, the bastard left his kids on Father's Day to cheat on their mother, his wife with another woman in another country. Which is just wrong! I mean there are plenty of whores right there in South Carolina but he outsources his adultery to Argentina? Not cool, man! Not cool at all!

It turns out the "fiancee" mentioned above was his mistress from Argentina who was reportedly pressing Sanford to set a wedding date. Apparently Mr. Mark "Abandon the wife and kids on Father's Day while screwing another woman in another country" Sanford is prime husband material and she was anxious not to let him get away. 

Instead he breaks up with her. On Facebook.

Well, at least he didn't say he was (ahem!) "hiking the Appalachian Trail". 

#BrokenNews "Senators Call For Federal Judge To Resign Over Wife Beating" Apparently he's not doing it right. 

#BrokenNews "Another NFL Player Arrested For Domestic Violence" Who would expect football players to be so readily predisposed towards wanton physical violence against other people who don't do what they want them to do?  

#BrokenNews "Police: NFL Player Head-Butted Wife For Refusing Sex" Smooth move, Romeo, tapping into the mating rituals of moose.

#BrokenNews "Chris Christie Defends NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell" And thus came to pass the moment when Goodell knew that he was well and truly fucked. 

Then again, maybe Christie is on a roll now. More on that after the break. 

But first, this word. 


Now back to the headlines!

#BrokenNews "Investigation Clears Christie In Bridgegate Scandal" Basically summed up as "Nobody did nothin', nobody said nothin', capiche?"

#BrokenNews "Australia Conducts Its Largest Counterterrorism Operation In History" Basically it involves air-dropping Russell Crowe into Al Qaida camps. 

#BrokenNews "School Cops To Return Grenade Launchers But Not Armored Vehicle" Hey, what if ISIS or Al Qaida infiltrate a middle school pep rally, huh? What then, smart guy? What...then? 

#BrokenNews "Here's What Americans Think The U.S. Should Do About Ebola" Airstrikes? Yeah, airstrikes solve everything.  

#BrokenNews "Why Dying In America Is Harder Than It Has To Be" Well, it's so hard to get time off. 


And that knocks this week's bROkEN nEWs  into a gopher hole. 

We started today's post with a famous Scottish icon so let's end with one as well. 

From The Simpsons, welcome Groundskeeper Willie

Take us out, Willie!

Aye, you've been readin' Broken News
and you lilly livered pansies out there
would do well not to forget it! This post has been a
production of Dave-El Inc., I'm So Glad My Suffering
Amuses You Entertainment
and maybe some other
people I don't give a crap about! I really dinna get most
of the jokes but who cares, as long as I'm frickin' gettin'
paid, Dave-El, laddie! And none of that Euro or
crap! I want real American dollars
or I'll slug ya in the belly, aye, don't
think that I won't!


Tomorrow and Sunday: A two day two post edition of Doctor Who Weekend with a look at romance on Doctor Who (it's not always pretty) and a review of this week's new episode, Time Heist.

In the meanwhile, be good to one another. 

Oh, and I hope you had a great "Talk Like a Pirate" Day!  

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